Question for the BPs

I'm a birth mother who wants to be found. We had a semi-open adoption similar to justpeachy's. I also understand the bfather and his children want contact. In my situation, I actually figured out who and where my son is, but I'm waiting until he is a little older or until he is ready to contact me. (He is only 18.) Many birth mothers want, at the very minimum, to know their child is happy and okay. Yes, there are some birth mothers that don't want to have contact with a child they relinquished. You just won't know until you try. It seems to me that the secret is to prepare yourself for reunion ahead of time.

I always wanted to be found and we did connect in 2004.

I was extremely happy to be found even though it has been challenging at times. I am glad my daughter searched for us with the attitude of "hey- here I am I want to love you". This enabled us to feel safe in sharing our love for her and getting to know her. I may have felt different however if she presented contact with the attitude of "hey- here I am, I just want information and I am going to be gone". This would have left me feeling used once again and I may have protected my heart and family in this situation.

Could you explain what you mean by "being used one again"? I understand that it might be hard if a birth child wanted "only" information (though, as an adopted adult who had two children with genetic diseases, medical information would have been my first priority had I wished to search). I don't mean to pry, but was your pregnancy a result of a terrible crime that made you feel used in the first place? It is the "once again" part of you post that confuses me.Blessings,LLAWEN

After my son and I got over the initial making sure we both had the right person one of the first questions I asked him was to find out out how much medical info he knew. All the information on the adoption paperwork had come from my mum (I was coerced into surrendering) and it took me over two years to get everything I was entitled post reunion. He had also found family members before we reunited. However all he knew was that my mum was asthmatic and I was deaf in my right ear. I was able to fill him as there was so much that he needed to know such as diabetes in the family, cancer, heart attacks, strokes and arthritis. He didn't even know that my deafness was due to Rubella when my mum was pregnant. He also found out that I suffer with depression and he had wanted to know because he suffers with it as well. I was angry with family members because they could have told him but chose not to.

Emphatically, yes. I would be over the moon if my daughter decides to search for me. I'm registered in the state registry and I know when she turns 21 she can access her original birth certificate. I won't be hard to find. :) My birth mother was absolutely thrilled when I found her. She is now a very important part of my life, as are my half siblings. My feeling is that for the vast majority of us birthmothers, we desperately want the chance to know the child we lost. After decades of not knowing whether that child is healthy, happy, or even alive, we NEED to know. At least that's my feeling on it.

I was thrilled when my son found me. I was coerced into relinquishing him and I struggled every day not knowing where he was or how he was being treated. I believe the vast majority of mothers wish to be found because there is no real 'getting on with our lives' after we lost you. If your mother does not wish to have contact, please know that it really has nothing to do with you personally. It is her inability to deal with the immense pain of losing you. Here is an excellent article on why that may happen. [URL="http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_facts/why_wont_my_mother.html"]Why won't my mother meet me?[/URL]

50 - 50 chance. Some want contact. Some accept contact, but are cold and distant. Some again reject contact, but do it politely. Some are flat out mean in rejecting contact. This would make an interesting poll.

Sometimes being found, or finding, IS getting on with our lives, finally.

i am in that process, and it's emotionally painful.

It varies for me. I went my whole life knowing I'm adopted but never actively searched until recently. I never thought of myself as missing something. It was only when I found my family did I stop and think of the reasons why I wanted to find them. Mainly I wanted to connect with my sister and find out medical information. But I guess it's fate for me because they thought we had moved out of the state and were actively looking for me for a long time. It wasn't until I reached out and looked that I found them.

I think the answer to your question will be swayed by the fact that this is an adoption forum. Those birth parents who do not want to be found will not be here, because why would they be hanging around an adoption discussion board if they are not interested in finding their children? The birth parents who are answering your question here on this board will say yes, because that is why they are here. My birth mother rejected the confidential intermediary's contact. So no, not all birth parents want to be found.

I agree, this forum isn't full of mother's who don't want contact. There must be at least one out there????? My mother has never been here or anywhere online. She rejected contact with me when asked by another person, and asked the other person not to give her contact info to me. Several months later I found it on my own, called her and she was thrilled to talk directly to me. She had never told anyone about my existence, including her husband of 35 years and her other kids. It's not easy for either of us. She tells me she is thankful to know me, she calls it a miracle, something she thought would never happen. She was told I would not want to. She was afraid I would want to. She's very happy I found her. So am I. Ya never know, until you know. I never believe things until I hear it directly from the horses mouth. And no, I'm not calling my mother a horse's mouth:love:

it is obviously exiting when you found. but i prefer not to found. it may change anyone's daily life or routine forever. that's it. best of luck.

I'm a birthmother and I have a open adoption. I'm very grateful that I'm still I'm my daughters life. At the time I simply couldn't parent but that didn't mean I wanted out of her life completely why it was very important to me to find parents with big enough hearts to know that even though I'm in her life you'll always be her parents and I got very lucky and found a wonderful couple who did know. But yea without a doubt I would want to be found