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We had a visit scheduled today. I confirmed it 3 times. It was at a neutral location, in a public place. I confirmed it 3 times because I did not want my son to be disappointed because they did not come. They said 3 times they were coming!
Guess what- they did not show up! We hung around for 2 hours waiting for them to show (he didn't realize that is why we were walking around the mall, riding the elevators and escalators, and having snacks- this was all fun for him). But, he knew why we were there and was disappointed that they didn't come. I gave an explanation that a 3 year old would understand (they couldn't find the right bus to get to the mall).
Then, 3 hours after we were supposed to meet I get a text. When I asked why they didn't come, they said they were waiting for me to call.:grr: :grr: :grr: I said- nope, sorry. Check the FB messages- our plans were x,y, and z. Then I get the text, "I need to see my son". Geesh. They had a chance to see their son. They didn't show. He was disappointed. My child should not have to feel disappointed. We did our part.
Its so frustrating. They have issues but love this child. But I can't allow their dysfunction to affect my son.
Open adoption is a tough road. I wish there was a guide book to help out!
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SuddenMom
This right here is why I will never, ever as long as i live understand an open adoption in a foster/adopt situation. These kids were given up or taken because they couldn't be fit parents but then the kids should still have a relationship with them?
If my kids want to find them when they are grown I will facilitate that in any way I can but they will suffer no more at the hands of those so called parents while i can help it.
I believe in our open adoption because I believe it is good for our DD to know where she came from, and many other reasons. Why shouldn't they get to have a relationship if it is safe and appropriate to do so? There is part of my DD's story that I will NEVER be able to explain to her because it is her mom's story.
SuddenMom
Clearly these people aren't sticking to anything. They can't even show up for a visit.
That doesn't mean that they don't have a connection to the child or that the child (especially an older one) doesn't still care about their bio-parent.
For me, I scheduled visits for my AD with her bio-mom at a place where we can play and have fun. I don't tell any of the kids until we actually see BM. She usually no shows also, AD is too young to know any difference, but our bio children do know and understand. I don't want them saying bad things about AD's bio when she gets older...
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SuddenMom
Clearly these people aren't sticking to anything. They can't even show up for a visit.
Without a doubt, open adoption EVEN WITH dysfunctional parents -- is not about the parents, it is about the kids. I have kids that NEED this contact. They need to see for themselves or we would be dealing with a fantasy. They need to know they are loved (even not in an appropriate way), they need to see where they come from. They need to KNOW. That is why I do open adoption. My kids' parents have already paid the highest price possible (losing their kids) for their mistakes. Now it isn't about them - it is about the kids.
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SuddenMom
This right here is why I will never, ever as long as i live understand an open adoption in a foster/adopt situation. These kids were given up or taken because they couldn't be fit parents but then the kids should still have a relationship with them?
If my kids want to find them when they are grown I will facilitate that in any way I can but they will suffer no more at the hands of those so called parents while i can help it.
SuddenMom, this isn't always correct. Yes, my AC were taken from their mother due to neglect BUT their bio mom loves them and placed them in foster care to give herself time to be a better mom. She allowed us to adopt them because she felt it was best for them. She had addictions but has now been clean for over a year. She is a great mom to her youngest child. She respects the boundaries we have set and is very loving and appropriate towards all of my children. She refers to both of us as their mom. I do not regret our relationship with her. This may not be best in all cases, but for some it is.
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SuddenMom
This right here is why I will never, ever as long as i live understand an open adoption in a foster/adopt situation. These kids were given up or taken because they couldn't be fit parents but then the kids should still have a relationship with them?
If my kids want to find them when they are grown I will facilitate that in any way I can but they will suffer no more at the hands of those so called parents while i can help it.
Your statement implying kids should not have a relationship with their first parents isn't correct. In some situations, yes, absolutely. But not in all. In our situation, a yearly visit is appropriate, in a safe public place.
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Thanks for the replies.
In the future I won't tell him about a visit. It was a mistake to tell him; I thought he needed to process in his little mind the fact that we might see them.
You are right, Jen- I shouldn't be surprised they didn't show. Their dysfunction is why I am my son's parent.
We live and learn. I appreciate your thoughts and suggestions :)
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It is not easy ;) I was just texting a friend venting about my situation. Our girls' mother is in town since the week before Christmas. We live in a SMALL town. She leaves on Thursday. She texts me to tell me about the parties she is at, or her plans to drink -- but chances are we won't have a visit. My girls are 3.5 and 2.5. I haven't even mentioned that she is in town or that there is a possibility of a visit. BUT she has a 10 year old son who lives with another family and he is very aware.
But, you know, she couldn't make visits when the girls were in "foster care" either. And that is one of the reasons I became their mom. It just makes me sad for her, and for them. I think that is what triggers our anger (frustration) as parents -- we know how incredibly amazing and precious our kids are, and it saddens us that someone who is supposed to love them (and often does love them) as much as we do, doesn't have the skills to show the kids that. It is not easy.
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Jensboys
It is not easy ;) I was just texting a friend venting about my situation. Our girls' mother is in town since the week before Christmas. We live in a SMALL town. She leaves on Thursday. She texts me to tell me about the parties she is at, or her plans to drink -- but chances are we won't have a visit. My girls are 3.5 and 2.5. I haven't even mentioned that she is in town or that there is a possibility of a visit. BUT she has a 10 year old son who lives with another family and he is very aware.
But, you know, she couldn't make visits when the girls were in "foster care" either. And that is one of the reasons I became their mom. It just makes me sad for her, and for them. I think that is what triggers our anger (frustration) as parents -- we know how incredibly amazing and precious our kids are, and it saddens us that someone who is supposed to love them (and often does love them) as much as we do, doesn't have the skills to show the kids that. It is not easy.
It is NOT easy. There is no guide book for this. We love our kids and know how amazing they are. We try to do what is best for them. But it definitely isn't easy. There are so many challenges.
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Thanks for this thread and all its posters. We plan to enter an OA this year. I see that adoption doesn't actually bring an end to the drama or the heartache. I really need to study these boards closer than ever to see how to minimize their hurt. I am choosing an OA for the kid's sake. In my heart of hearts I believe they need to know where they came from. Everyone (including our attorney and the dept) is telling us to cut the bios out completely, lots of warnings about dealing with "these people" the rest of our lives.
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irelady10
I gave an explanation that a 3 year old would understand (they couldn't find the right bus to get to the mall).
Here is where I disagree...and frankly, I think its part of why open adoption in foster care should be approached with caution. Everyone says that it is so important for the child not to have a fantasy and to really know where they come from and oh as long as its safe......but, and I don't mean to pick on you....right here is the slippery slope. Its too tempting to protect the child from disappointment and hurt and create a fantasy. The parents hadn't missed the bus, they chose not to come. That's the reality.
I don't know that we can claim that open adoption is so healthy if it leads to parents not telling their children the truth.
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We can't hide the visit as we need to travel 2 hours one way.
After one late appearance, I made the rules crystal clear. She will confirm (not me!) a day ahead. If we travel down we will wait not more that 15 minutes. If she is more that 15 minutes late, she's forfeited her quarterly visit. Do it twice and she's lost her right to ongoing visits
Amazingly, she's been early ever since... :p
here's the thing with OA in a foster situation... except i nthe instances of mental incapacity of the BP, the BPs have been around the system. People who have been in the system learn how to get around the system, if that makes sense
In situations where addiction is involved, the BPs know how to find and get around loopholes.. They (addicts) rely on people's weaknesses and have a tough time taking accountability for their actions.
Our life has been much better since we created really firm boundaries. Good luck!
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wcurry66
Our life has been much better since we created really firm boundaries. Good luck!
I think this is essential!! That, and not taking their anger or upset personally when boundaries are enforced. Once I learned that mom would react like a young teenager to boundaries, no matter who they came from - I expected that reaction and didn't take it personally.
I also agree with being very honest. Our 3.5 year old knows that her birth mom is "sick" and that sickness makes her make bad choices sometimes. When she asks why we don't visit L I will say that L doesn't want to visit us when she is making "bad choices". Sometimes I will say "I don't know. It makes me sad too" BUT having navigated (at least partially) the teen years with my older kids, having a fantasy and zero contact would be WAY WAY WAY worse. KNOWING has made the teen years bearable with my older ones.
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I found that not telling our foster or adopted kids about visits until the bios show up is very harmful. Surprises don't usually sit well with hurt children. They start wondering when we go away if this will be a visit or not. Everytime we go to a park they are secretly thinking that the bios might be there. I don't tell them until we need to get ready to go. If they don't show then they have to face the disfunction. It also shows that you are reliable and they can trust you. Sometimes this is good so they can see their true colors instead of fantasizing. It does hurt but it is reality.
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ladyjubilee
Here is where I disagree...and frankly, I think its part of why open adoption in foster care should be approached with caution. Everyone says that it is so important for the child not to have a fantasy and to really know where they come from and oh as long as its safe......but, and I don't mean to pick on you....right here is the slippery slope. Its too tempting to protect the child from disappointment and hurt and create a fantasy. The parents hadn't missed the bus, they chose not to come. That's the reality.
I don't know that we can claim that open adoption is so healthy if it leads to parents not telling their children the truth.
Good point. (Except I thought they actually may have missed the bus, so I did not lie). You make a good point, though.
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We will be having and OA with our FS's father (he is surrendering his parental rights) and our case supervisor has given us some very specific terms for the agreement, such as:
- Dad has to notify me by mail to request a visit
- The request must be made with 30 days notice
- The visit will take place at a location of my choice
- The visit will last up to two hours (depending on how Dad acts around the boys)
- Only Dad can come to the visit, unless he has requested written permission for additional people to attend, and I approve (in writing)
- I wait up to 15 minutes for Dad to show up, if he doesn't show up within 15 minutes of the agreed upon time, he forfeits the visit
- If he misses, fails to plan, or is late to two consecutive visits, he forfeits all future visits
This is pretty standard OA language where I live.
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We had a similiar problem with missed visits with out oldest daughter and her birthfamily early on in our relationship and for the first several years. I also heard the advice of not telling our dd about the visit until the birthparent showed up. This did not work for us. My daughter was hurt and she needed that time to process that a visit was coming and not to just spring things on her like that. I decided that allowing her to prepare by knowing about the visit ahead of time was the best way. If the birthfamily was late than, yes, my daughter would be hurt but she would also see them as they were and not have any fantasy's. I would not make excuses for them or try and minimize the fact that they didn't show up. Instead i would emphasize that they loved her but they couldn't always be counted on to make the right decisions and that I was sorry they hurt her. Infact, our relationship took a big blow when they missed a visit that was planned out for months, that they repeatedly told her they would attend and then they didn't show up. After that we have visits just once or twice a year and never on special days or important events in her life.
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