Adoptee's needing advice

she's only 5 so its not going to be for awhile but i was going to print them out just in case i lose them on my computer and her dad does want contact but only when she's older and let her decide. i was only going to mention having them i want her to have all the choices in this ya know

Printing them out seems like a good idea if you have some place to save them. Kind regards,Dickons

Now that I completely agree with. Not only would I print them out, but Id also save them on your computer as a document and transfer them to a thumb drive or external hard drive for safekeeping. I just feel like youҒre walking through a potential minefield with this one. No two people will see things the same way, but if I were in your daughters shoes and was given copies of private correspondence that I know someone didnҒt want me to have it would cause me to have a trust issue with that person. Also, if her father finds out and it makes him in some way feel violated he might withdraw further. I have very strict and somewhat extreme feelings about things like this, and while its doubtful that they would feel the same I see some potential for it to backfire on you.

Her bio dad knows all about it and has even said some things in the emails about how he loves her and misses her everyday in case she does not want to find him. Im also goiong to ask her parents before i even mention it to ari as well so if they say its ok she can have then ill give them to her. I was just wondering from your guys point of veiw. Ill never be a adoptee but my daugther will know one day that she is. My mom is a single parent and i had no dad growing up anbd he died before i ever really got that talk or met him so thats why im trying everything to know with her dad so she has the choices i didnt

Print them, save them, and put them away. My feeling is there is no reason to even let her know you have them till she is an adult. Talk to her aparents and let them know you have them and in case your daughter, when she gets older, starts to ask questions, and the adoptive parents feel its time for her to have them, then let them call the shots on that one. Those emails are valuable. Its part of her history and I feel she has the right to them to help her understand some things. But its not your job to do that. Unless of course shes an adult, and she asks you questions, then you can do what you feel is important. but i would absoutly go talk to the adoptive parents first. Do not go behind their back as that will surely backfire and someone will get hurt.

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Impossible to answer a hypothetical question for a 5 year old! A private correspondence is just that - private and may not be appropriate for any one outside the relationship to know.By all means write an account of your story for her if she wants it later but make no assumptions and don't have any illusions or expectations.

I can't wrap my head around why someone wouldn't want contact until she's older. It's not like she's a piece of furniture. What's going on with him and why does he think that time will change his feelings? I am very curious about the logic. Is he afraid he couldn't deal with the relationship of having a child look up to him to protect her? What do you think it is?

He says he loves her and misses her...what's that about. Misses who? He doesn't even know the child does he? How can you miss someone you haven't taken the opportunity to get to know? I think he has an illusion that he's afraid of being intimate for some reason. Hopefully he won't find out later that he regrets what he didn't have the courage to face.

from what i know murphymalone he hated the fact that we placed. But he told me that he couldn't take on another child so thats why i choose to place. I wonder if he feels that i forced the issue i dunno but i wasn't going to be a single parent my daugther deserved a mom and dad who were ready i needed help from him that he wasnt willing to give. Why he doesnt come around is because he says he cant handle hearin her say daddy to someone else. So that leaves just me which is fine i feel its better like that sometimes.

It sounds as though you have some good insight into the matter. I would be heartbroken on some levels because if you know he's not a bad guy with time he could have perhaps been a good father. I don't know. Good luck to you. You have to do what you think is best at the time. They way of the world I guess.

oh its a very bitter pill to swallow sometimes. When ari was almost 1 he knocked up another girl and he is rasing the child with her i found this out this year. Its very heartbreakin to know that but when i think bk to the alternative of how if i chose to parent what not only she but me as well would have to face im grateful thati placed cause she is in sucj a better enviroment and she has so many more choices than she ever would have had with me.

how old is your daughter ?

Life has a way of unfolding that often leads to those who have acted selfishly being faced with the repercussions of their actions. You know that you did not act selfishly and someday your child will know that too. We all have to do what we think is best despite the heart break sometimes. I hope that some day this fellow is able to comprehend the pain that he's caused. I often think of how disjointed my birthmother must have felt having to leave her home town to have me. All the while my birthfather was able to hold his head up. Eventually they married about 2 or 3 years after my birth. It must have been hard knowing that there was a child out there. There were circumstances that affected both of them. My parents both were without their fathers. My mother for longer and the fact that she had siblings who would have been affected by the "shame" that was so pronounced back then in the 1950's. My birthfather was the sole provider to my grandmother because his father had died a year of so previously. The pressures they found themselves under were overwhelming at the time. I had a hard time understanding after meeting them and much grieving occurred. At first I was caught up in the sheer joy of finding them. Then as that joy played itself out I was able to put the loose threads together. They were honest with me as honest as they could be about their feelings. I know that it must have been difficult for them to have me come into their awareness but it was necessary for me. I don't know how after all those years it all came together but I am thankful for the insight. Take care of yourself and remember always that your intentions were good. You were looking out for the best interests of your child and recognized the fact that there would have been much more pain had you tried to parent this child by yourself with the disinterest of the father of that child. I don't wish people who have that level of disinterest any ill will. I simply hope they one day have a moment where they feel a glimmer of what they caused others to feel.

I couldn't agree with you more and as a person who's father left her to raise two others I know the pain this causes. That being said after adopting two myself and having one who's father also chooses not to be in the picture I have a bit of a different perspective on it. I'm sure now that he's had another child that he is raising his awareness of what he's done is just more than he can live with. I imagine the reason he did stick by this girl and this kid is because of the pain he went through leaving his first. Doing it with the unknown is one thing after experiencing that; I imagine he just couldn't do it again. Perhaps you should ask that in one of your emails and get his answer. I think it will help your daughter accept the why was I not good enough topic when it's time. She was good enough; he just wasn't strong enough and hopefully it wont hurt her down the road. Hope that little sweet pea knows that she has a pair of STRONG women in her life! :)