Problems with adoptive mom since reunion

Hi Chickadee202, BTDT my Aparents were very supportive BUT my Amom is very sensitive also. Through my journey I had to continuely remind my mom that I need her strength and support through this. I included her in the journey which really seemed to help. It was so neat to see my moms telling each other how much they love one and other and what a great job that my Aparents did! I had several visits with my birthmom then I started encouraging my Mom to come with me for support. Don't know if this will help your situation but I wrote my Amom a letter explaining to her that No body will ever take her place and that she raised me awesome I might add! She told me that she did pull the letter out and read it a few times during my journey when she felt "insecure". She also discussed with me after my adoption journey that she did feel like it was a competion at times. She was very supportive overall! Good luck and PM if you need any suggestions etc.

From an adoptive mom point of view I think it is not just that she feels "threatened", I think it is "grief". What to you was a positive addition to your life is to her the death of her dreams of being just like a real mom, a normal mom, the only mom, of being the only maternal grandmother, of being enough mom for her child. When you mention your birth family to her for you it is like sharing a glimpse of a pot of gold, but to her it is like you are uncovering the dead corpse of her dreams. I think she needs to connect with other amom's who have or currently are going through this loss, and maybe some grief counseling or a book about grieving would help her.

I am sorry that she is putting this on you. It is not as if she did not know you might search if she told you they would help while you were growing up. She has to deal with her insecurities herself. You can only do what you have been doing, which is ensure you haven't changed your relationship with her. You can accept she is having a hard time with it, but you don't need to accept the stress she puts on you. Sorry if that sounds harsh but if you are pregnant then you really have to protect YOUR feelings in this as stress is not good for babies. That attitude is so foreign to me but also common to others. I don't understand how after all those years they cannot be comfortable with the relationship forged over decades. Just try to make her understand it is not a competition. You can never have too many people who love you. I think perhaps she needs to work though her own emotions elsewhere - you can't fix her fears, only she can and only if she wants to. YOU haven't done anything wrong and YOU have no control over her reactions. Just focus on a peaceful pregnancy and your own mental well-being. Kind regards,Dickons

Thanks to all that replied. I do agree that there is unresolved grief going on with her, just like there is with bmom and with me. We all have a loss and we all eventually have to come to terms with it and move on, right? Dickons, I agree that I shouldn't be made to feel guilty...I keep reminding myself of that over and over, but it is hard. sometimes I feel really emotionally manipulated by her! I don't want this to ruin our relationship but fear it could if she doesn't take care of her feelings, too.

Chickadee, have you read any of Betty Jean Lifton's books? She has this psychological construct that she named the "Ghost Kingdom." It explains the "ghosts" that all of us within the triad carry around with us...and this includes aparents, not just adoptees and natural parents. The grief process that so many of us, no matter which side of the triad we represent, go through involves coming to terms with our "ghosts," especially during reunion. If you haven't read Lifton's books yet, I highly recommend all of them!

My adopted Mom is dead now. I remember sitting in her living room trying to get the courage to tell her that I had found my birth parents. When I told her she looked like she was going to explode. She said "They left you like a cat by the side of the road Why in h..l would you want to find them?" She was scared beyond belief that she would be replaced in my heart. No one could replace her even though she failed to protect me; she did the best she could. Just like my birth/mother. No one could replace her either. It's like people believe that if you love someone it will take some love from them instead of realizing that the more you love the more love you have to give. It's weird. She barely engaged in conversation for over a year. She was completely closed and sarcastic. At one point she threatened to cut me out of her will. I am an only child. She said she was going to donate everything like money would buy my love. In the end she didn't and left what she had to me. It's rough but keep reassuring her and set boundaries when she says hurtful things. I used to tell her if you are going to talk like that we need to hang up. Then I would call her a few days later and try again. Everyone has their guilt and fear but you can't let that stop you from doing what you know is right. I couldn't stop looking. I knew they were out there and I had to find them if I died trying. I had to know I was connected. Your adopted mother will have her reactions. You can't "fix" things for her but you can be there to show her that her worst fears are merely figments of her imagination. I kept telling her you were there and no one will every be able to replace all of things you did for me. She was there to the best of her ability and I wouldn't be the person I am today if I hadn't struggled through all of the things I struggled through. I know that. Some of us were destined to be honed in to the hardest steel for a reason. I know that I have an insight that many don't because of all of the things I have suffered and overcome. How's that for an only child ego? It helped me to find my natural brothers and see that we are all somewhat the same. I am the firstborn and I will protect them and be the matriarch if they need me to be. If they don't need me that's okay too. I will bear that. But I will never pretend to be someone else to blend in. Take me as I am that's my motto.

That's actually true. It's a lot like a blind person's hearing becomes more accute. When you are abused, for self-preservation, you become accutely aware of the nuances of people's words, actions, tones, and body language. That translates as an adult to being able to read people much better than most. You can take random pieces from all over the place and put a whole picture together. It's such a subconscious thing that you don't even know you're doing it and wonder why everyone can't see what you're seeing. Sorry for the hijack. I just know that isn't an only child ego. It's the truth. Something good comes out of everything. :)

I think you are right. "The Book of Strange" by Sylvia Fraser was an eye opener. I think hyper-vigilance is exhausting but it's worth the trouble. It's hard to shut off though and will kick in when I am stressed. My mind is constantly preoccupied when it kicks in and I can't let go of things that worry me.

I could have written this post. I found my bmom just a few months ago. It has been a really amazing experience for me. I am not at all close with my Aparents, but we do go to family gatherings and such. We are very different people, I still love them and know they would do anything for me and my children and also view them as my 'parents'. My mom is overly sensitive in most aspects of life, and I have often been accused of hurting her feelings even though that was not my intention at all. I come from a family of 4 kids who were all adopted from different family's. I am the 3rd to find my bmom. Both of my other siblings had good experiences and seems to get support from mu parents. I talked to my Amom the other day and she was asking me questions, (I don't often offer details about mine and bmoms relationship) I answered her questions and ofcourse she has her feelings hurt. My Adad called later and was mad that I did that. I don't think I did anything wrong. I feel a bit betrayed that they promised to be supportive and seemed to be that way with my other adopted siblings, but was now asking me not to share anything about Bmom with them. We already are not close but to add this into the mix really hurts my feelings. I tried to explain that it really wasn't about them, it didn't change anything with them. I really am having a good experience with Bmom and my 2 half sisters and I don't want them to take that away from me. I also feel like I have to live separate lives and it is so frustrating and maddening to me. I am sorry you have to go through this as well, just know your not alone.

Kyra Im really glad you posted...its nice to know that others are going through the same thing. I feel like amom cant really be happy for me,or adad either, that i found my biological family. For my it has been one of the best experiences of my life and I feel so much more understood and fulfilled than I did before this. I dont have much in common with my afamily,but like you I love them and see them as my parents. I just wish they could share in the joy. And its hard too because I am really drawn to my bfamily. Im so much like them and I feel like I fit there...getting tired of living these two separate lives,thats for sure!

I understand what you are going through. I met my bmom when I was 18 and even now that I'm 36 I'm still dealing with my amom's insecurities. Mine doesn't openly cry, but, she gets extraordinarily clingy when she knows that I've been around my bfam. I'm not sure it's the best approach, but, I typically don't tell her anything about my bfam unless I have to. If she knew how much I was connecting with them she'd truly freak out and then I'd have to deal with her. I did travel with them for the first time this year (it was great!) and I had to tell her about that. But, I came to the conclusion that I am not responsible for her reactions to things. I told her in a loving manner and what she does with it is up to her.

she feels "threatened", I think it is "grief". I agree, she probably feels that you will get close to your bmom and then just leave her out to dry. My suggestion is that you explain to your amom the reasons why you have contact. And try to explain to her that it has nothing to do about you feel about her or this is just an added relationship for you and not to re-place her. I was fortunate with my aparents. But I heard from numerous adoptees who started search the struggles the adoptive parents went through. maybe if you are all willing, go into therapy together for a bit to discuss all those feelings. adoption is full of loaded feelings.