An Adoptees Birthrights

We are in the process of really deciding if adoption is for us. This also crossed my mind..really, before i started reading this forum all i could think of is my feelings.

I think every adoptee has the right to know where they come from , etc...... I found out in a secretive way when i was 11 years old that I was adopted, was never given any info. it was supposed to be hush hush.... I tried for years to get info but with no info but my birthdate i didnt have any success, I had 1 son and 3 daughters biologically... when my now youngest 17yr old was 9 yrs old we were asked to adopt a baby girl at 5 mo. old the mother was 13 and she was the only birth parent of my daughter that we knew we didnt know fathers side at the time till during adoption , we were delighted as I had dreamed several dreams that we did adopt this beautiful baby , she is now 8yrs old, she has been told details at a young age, we visit both sides of her biological families. The mothers side is white and fathers side is hispanic. everyone involved knows if we feel its in the best interest to stop visits we will.... we have birthday parties each yr with both biological sides, our daughter does not spend any time alone with either side, and she honestly dont want to ....for me this helped me with the gap ive had for yrs not knowing anything and that I can give my child something i never had growing up and that is knowing where she come from and what life she would have had... and she dosent want to be with any of them alone, and that was the agreement we made that they can visit thru out the yrs with no trouble....I just recieved a copy of my biological birth certicate a week ago I sent for in Feb. since they passed the new law in Nov. hoping to find my biological roots now that I have more info. I think if a child who is adopted dosent want to know or has no desire to know thats their choice but if they do it should be respected and in my case its not to replace adopted parents, I had good parents but there has always been that hole in my heart wanting know why and do i or my children look look like any of biological family. This is just my opion on the matter hope i didnt offend anyone but wanted to share a lil of my store.

A relative that I had never met, or that I had never heard about and my family didn't know at all? A birth "parent" has more of a relation to you than some stranger on the street. But, at the end of the day, you don't know a birth "parent" at all (aside from, well, sperm and egg). You've never met them yet, and you know nothing about them. They're your genetics, but would I consider them family if I didn't even know them or have a relationship with them? No. They're my genetic history. If I meet them and develop a relationship, I'll consider them more like distant relatives and my DNA. Still not my family... they didn't raise me. My "adoptive" family is my family. Period. They raised me and they're my family. Their family reunion is my family reunion. DNA is irrelevant to this. Friends can feel like family, but are never family. I never consider friends as family, just very close friends. I'm not into pretending someone is my sister, kid, parent, etc.... unless they are my sister, kid, or parent in all senses of the word. Distant relatives are family. You hear about distant relatives growing up... great uncle John, or whoever. Your family knows that sort of distant relative even if you don't, and you're legally family, thus they're your family. Some family members you know better than others-- but someone in your family (cousins, aunts, whoever) has some relationship with them even if you don't. That's very different than someone I've never met, my family has never met, and who isn't legally related to me showing up-- that's what birth "parents" are. You don't know them (yet-- if ever). There's no relationship other than DNA until a relationship develops. The only thing I know about her is her...uterus. That's not a relationship, and that's not family. They're my DNA, my genetic past. If a relationship were to form, then I would call them what they are... birth DNA relatives. I wouldn't be all like "MOMMY!" It would be nice to develop a relationship with a birth "parent," but she made her choice more than once. I would still be glad to have the relationship and let it develop into a relationship-- like a relationship you would have with a somewhat distant relative. Sure, it would be nice to see the genetic related looks and traits and aging and learn about all of that.

Kids should be given their full, unamended birth certificates with the full names of their birth "mother" and birth "father" at, say, 25 years old. It's ridiculous that kids can't find out who their genetics come from or get medical history. I support open birth certificates after 25. And, kids should be told they were adopted at a reasonable age... certainly before age 18. Whether or not they're interested in their genetics later is up to them. I don't care about genetics to define my family. My genetic producers didn't raise me. My (adoptive) family is legally and emotionally my family. And, I can't consider friends as family. Never have. Friends come and go, family usually sticks around (and if they don't, they're still legally and/or biologically related). I'll never understand why some people call a friend their sister or their son or their dad.. if they're just a friend. Being someone's best friend is an honor... no need to add bogus terms to the relationship and try to make the relationship something it's not. DNA comes to play for me in terms of medical history and looks. For those reasons, kids should be able to find out the exact names of their birth "parents" easily at 25. If someone has a kid, why hide that forever? Making a kid wait until 25 to find out their biological "parents" is more than enough time.

I find your perspective very interesting. I was talking to my mother the other day about the fact that the son I gave birth to so long ago has found me. She asked something along the lines of whether I feel like he's my long-lost son, and I had to say it doesn't. He has the right appearance, some of his temperament may be a result of his biological background, and I am delighted that he found me. However, I did not raise him, and he isn't my son the way that the boy I raised is my son. Biological ties alone do not convey a sense of "family", IMHO.

I do appreciate this was your opinion, and thanks for clarifying. I also respect that family can mean many things to many people. I just found it so different from my way of thinking. About ten years ago we had a man working for us on our orchard. He was a quiet, hardworking man about 15-20 years my senior. He was also an alcoholic, and the lines etched on his face told the story of a life not so fortunate as myself. One day he asked my husband for some time off work as he needed to head South for the anniversary of a large mining accident in which his great grandfather had been killed, along with over 60 other miners This happened in the late 1800s. My husband put two and two together...his surname was the same as my great grandma's, and it was my maternal grandma's maiden name. This miner was my great great grandad!!! It seemed such a coincidence, but my point is until this man had worked for us I had never known him. Once I found our blood connection I felt an overwhelming sense of family for him...and could even spot the family resemblences coming through. He was my family no matter what. For better for worse!! So people do turn up in our lives we have never met before, or have never even known about. This is one of the reasons I found your statement quite hard to get my head around. Last year I had a similar experience when visited by a man I hadnt seen for about 45years. He was the adopted son of my Great Aunt. He just knocked on my door one sunny morning! As soon as he said his name, (as I didnt recognise him) I had that overwhelming sense of family. We shared something else other than blood, but it was still family. I think some families are more willing to embrace people into their family than others. My in laws never embraced me...I was always the "foreigner" and yet my family embraced my husband with open arms. The trouble was, because of the culture of his upbringing he didnt know how to be embraced. We are all so different. I also think Beth had something when she discussed anger, fear and resentment. Not the only reasons, but I am sure they are valid reasons... for some people. All good Susie

I live in the UK and am thankful. Here we do not have the issues connected with viewing our original birth entry or gaining information from records as in USA or Ireland. I cannot understand how any country still locks away such information..................YES..............it is every persons right to know where they came from and who made them. NO ONE has the right to withhold this information. We are, by the time we search, adults as are the other parties. We should be treated as adults and each permitted to handle things as we feel is right for us. What is to be recommended is adoption councelling......for both sides if needed. Also using the adoption agency to initiate contact. I think the UK has got it right.

I've found that DNA tests can alter the laws of adoption a bit. It can allow an adoptee to be in the hospital at the bedside of their dying genetic relative when it's "family only". It can allow certain genetic family members of the adoptee to claim inheritance after their death, and visa versa It can allow a proven link to a common ancestor with other family members. Having a will is important if you have specific plans for property or minor children after your death. Especially if you are an adoptee with a fairly new positive DNA test and haven't thought of any of that until your lawyer mentions why you might need to update your will LOL

Just my own personal madness M:arrow: As far as I know, but I believe there is something to it and wouldn't doubt there are others that see something in it too. I'll try to share my insanity since you asked :) Might have something to do with my children being the first people I'd ever met that I share genes with... for a couple of decades I took that and ran with it for as far as I could, made the most of it I guess. Could have something to do with the extensive research I've done on my children's ancestors for so long The Family Tree. I've gotten so used to looking at the BIG picture. Hey, we all have the right to our own opinions, and madness :) Biology is sharing genetics totally agree My husband and I share our genes in our children. We will always be connected biologically, genetically, through them, in them. In the same way my bio grandchildren (if we get any!) will connect me genetically with my children's in-laws, they will make us genetically related. We will all be ancestors on our grandchildren's genealogical family tree. Our families will be joined legally by marriage and genetically by birth. In my crazy world you can climb up or down our genealogical Family Tree, all the ancestors and descendants on it are related genetically in some way. I used to claim my aparents long dead ancestors as my ancestors. I've been given that right. Not so much anymore tho, they are still "family" to me by feelings, and law, still a branch on my combined social and genealogical family tree. I'm interested in knowing about and researching my aparents and asibs ancestors, that I never met, because I am interested in knowing more about my afamily members. But my afamilies genetic ancestors are theirs, and mine are mine. I'm not at all into pretending that I am related to people by birth if I am not. I'm done with that particular madness. If I type some form of genetic one more time would someone please shoot me:cowboy:

That's a pretty broad thing/question I guess. Could be part of what's up with the "different" answers. To narrow it and answering as an adoptee to an adopted parent I"d have to answer, of course I think my adopted family is my family, a family! I personally count my bio family as family too, that's just a fact, like it or not. Doh, feelings and facts going to look up family shoot me:cowboy: dictionary.com

fami׷ly

   [fam-uh-lee, fam-lee] Show IPA noun, plural fami׷lies, adjective

noun

1.

a.

a basic social unit consisting of parents and their children, considered as a group, whether dwelling together or not: the traditional family.

b.

a social unit consisting of one or more adults together with the children they care for: a single-parent family.

2.

the children of one person or one couple collectively: We want a large family.

3.

the spouse and children of one person: We're taking the family on vacation next week.

4.

any group of persons closely related by blood, as parents, children, uncles, aunts, and cousins: to marry into a socially prominent family.

5.

all those persons considered as descendants of a common progenitor.

6.

Chiefly British . approved lineage, especially noble, titled, famous, or wealthy ancestry: young men of family.

7.

a group of persons who form a household under one head, including parents, children, and servants.

8.

the staff, or body of assistants, of an official: the office family.

9.

a group of related things or people: the family of romantic poets; the halogen family of elements.

10.

a group of people who are generally not blood relations but who share common attitudes, interests, or goals and, frequently, live together: Many hippie communes of the sixties regarded themselves as families.

11.

a group of products or product models made by the same manufacturer or producer.

12.

Biology . the usual major subdivision of an order or suborder in the classification of plants, animals, fungi, etc., usually consisting of several genera.

13.

Slang . a unit of the Mafia or Cosa Nostra operating in one area under a local leader.

Websters

Definition of FAMILY

1

: a group of individuals living under one roof and usually under one head : household

2

a : a group of persons of common ancestry : clan b : a people or group of peoples regarded as deriving from a common stock : race

3

a : a group of people united by certain convictions or a common affiliation : fellowship b : the staff of a high official (as the President)

4

: a group of things related by common characteristics: as a : a closely related series of elements or chemical compounds b : a group of soils with similar chemical and physical properties (as texture, pH, and mineral content) that comprise a category ranking above the series and below the subgroup in soil classification c : a group of related languages descended from a single ancestral language

5

a : the basic unit in society traditionally consisting of two parents rearing their children; also : any of various social units differing from but regarded as equivalent to the traditional family <a single-parent family> b : spouse and children <want to spend more time with my family>

6

a : a group of related plants or animals forming a category ranking above a genus and below an order and usually comprising several to many genera b in livestock breeding (1) : the descendants or line of a particular individual especially of some outstanding female (2) : an identifiable strain within a breed

7

: a set of curves or surfaces whose equations differ only in parameters

8

: a unit of a crime syndicate (as the Mafia) operating within a geographical area I had to say that I absolutely think that friends can be family too. According to facts of the language, and feelings - friends can be family. My experience: An older friend "J" and I have shared homes, properties, businesses, finances, our families and our lives since I was 15. He's been like a big brother or a dad to me, like an uncle to my kids. He was at my wedding, at the births of my children (well, in the waiting room!), helped me raise my children and husband, went to funerals with me, helped me when I was sick or hurt, we are in each others wills... All that stuff that ֓family does we have done for each other. My daughter and the children that lived with us during her childhood called him Uncle J, still do. It all started because it was sort of rude for her, a kid, to call him J, so we added uncle instead of Mr. More than a decade later, the next batch of youngins;), my son and the other children that have lived with us decided when they were teenagers that he was too old to be an uncle, so they call him Uncle Grandpa. I call him J, usually. After 35 years of sharing a home, a family and our lives, I certainly consider him family. And we call him family. I know he is a friend. I know I am not genetically or by law related to him. But that's what family can mean to me. For me sometimes DNA nor LAW has anything to do with "family". I consider all of the many children that have lived with us long-term to be a part of our family, they are all welcome here, as well as their children. They've called me Mama, Mom, Moms, Mom B or Mz B. People in our community refer to them as my kids or lately "Mz Bz Boyz", and I never asked them to. All are friends, none are connected or related by law or genetics. Sister, Uncle, etc. doesn't always mean family by birth, or by law for that matter. Just like ԓfamily doesn't always mean by birth, or law. How's that for annoying :woohoo:

Thanks. Interesting that he doesn't feel quite like a son. Yeah, to me family is who my family tree is-- that's not bio "parents" nor is it friends. I'm genetically related to bio "family" but I don't call their family tree mine. I'm curious about theirs, and genetically speaking, I'm related. But, I wouldn't call their old Uncle Joe... Uncle Joe... as I'm not really related to him and didn't grow up with him. I might look like them and have some personality traits, but that's about the extent of it. I call them my genetic relatives or distant biological relatives, not my family. Legally my adopted family is my family tree. Friends can also never be family to me-- a friendship is high enough of an honor. They can "feel" like family, but they're not family, they're friends... and I refer to them as such. I would never list a friend on my family tree, and I don't call friends my family. They're not family, and never will be. We can be best friends if we're always there for each other and share our lives for many years. But, I don't use the term "family" lightly, and calling a friend my sister/aunt/mother is like saying Santa Claus brought me presents down the chimney. It's not a fact to me. I call them "my friend" or "best friend." I can't pretend anyone is someone they're not-- whether that's calling my biological "mother" 'mom' or calling my best friend my 'sister.'

Me too. Closed adoption records are ridiculous.

Dang Feb, you're a hard one!I guess I am lucky to have such a person in my life that mere friendship simply isn't a high enough of an honor. Or an accurate description for us. So for you it takes living together as family, plus a legal document to be in your family? And you claim your adopted birthright only - your Dad's tenth great grandfather is your eleventh great grandfather?It's really interesting to me how we all think about it, and why, and when.I know I have a ranking system, if you will, for family.I imagine most have a similar thing going on.Immediate family, family I don't like!, family I avoid, family I refuse to associate with ever, family I will strangle (with good reason) if they are stupid enough to come within arms reach of me, living family I've never met, dead ancestors, bio fam, adopted fam, family I know well, family I visit, far far away family I talk to on the phone, family I spend my days with, inlaws, etc.And just the term “family” obviously has different definitions to different people.I tend to use all the definitions. Big time into facts.Of course I rank people with anger, etc. or love, etc. - deny or include association with feelings. But I don't deny the factual family relationship whatever it may be.Like, I personally don't deny that my mother is my mother, my father is my father – adopted or bio. I used to. Extras can come with that, and not usually extras that were good for me and mine.It's much more peaceful that way for me. Maybe I just grew weary of fighting it. Refused to refer to the lady that gave birth to me as my mother. I couldn't for a long time. But now, yeah, the lady that gave birth to me is my mother, that's a fact. Doesn't mean she's my mommy. Doesn't mean she's ranked up there with my Mommy. It was heavy for me to carry around, I didn't really notice how heavy it was until I put it down.I'm so glad I am free from it. My life has grown so big since then in so many awesome ways.I'm just saying all of that cause when I see others fighting that fight, I want to help them walk away from it too. (((Someone))) was kind enough to help me out of it, I'll never forget that, it changed my life.I guess other things enter into the ranking. Like physical distance, degree of bonding, similar interests, personalities, lifestyles.I'd imagine it would make a difference in the way you think about things if you were the head of the family, or one of the heads, versus in the family. Like if you're included in the family someone else has “built” or you have built or are building your own.I am continually building my family in a way, meeting new unknown relatives if we feel like it. Just got some new inlaws. Excited about hopefully adding another inlaw and some grankids in the future. My husband has been the one building lately LOL He's not adopted but recently got interested in his ancestors, never was much before. Getting older did something to him I think. His parents died a long time ago and he's an only child. We filled in a lot of the blanks on his part of our family tree on ancestry.com and we and our kids have met several new cousins doing the same thing. Some we have met in person. I've really enjoyed watching him go thru meeting unknown relatives. :evilgrin: It's old hat to me and our kids :) I get just as "excited" when I find another tenth great grandparent of his, as I do finding one of mine. I was surprised at that. I really am doing it for my kids.Like susieloo said,I think some families are more willing to embrace people into their family than others.My Mom and Dad aren't so inclusive. Reminds me of the “circle of trust” thing in the Fockers movie LOL It took them a couple of decades to realize that their son and daughter in-laws didn't feel included in the family at all. Certainly no embracing going on!They wondered why they didn't want to, or didn't attend their family functions. I got to tell them why, that they simply weren't made to feel comfortable, or like family. And it was too far and too much trouble for everyone. I think it's too late now, but at least Mom and Dad are trying more.Dad got his wish I guess, he always says: “When your children are adults, they should move far enough away from their parents, so that when they visit they are considered guests” I'm the opposite, helping out, drama and babysitting is family to me! I wish my daughter lived next door instead of 400 miles away, and that my son never moves away from this property either! Next week I get to take him 250 miles away to college. And the other young men that live here are off far away to college too. One I had to buy plane tickets for it's so far. Serves me right for making them study and work so hard. I'm so proud and happy, but not happy at all.:hissy: I'll be stuck all alone with two grumpy old men in my house. If I get another batch of youngins here to raise, I'm feeding all their homework to the dog.

whoa, sorry maybe i should come here before i get coffee

Dad got his wish I guess, he always says: “When your children are adults, they should move far enough away from their parents, so that when they visit they are considered guests” Good Greif!!! I'm the opposite, helping out, drama and babysitting is family to me! I wish my daughter lived next door instead of 400 miles away, and that my son never moves away from this property either! LOL! My sentiments exactly!:clap: Susie