Ready to call it quits...

You really are in a hard place. Having to deal with the parents, in a kinship placement, loving the kids as your blood relatives, and knowing they will go back...being so young and not really prepared for all of it to begin with. I think a lot of us get put in situations we weren't planning on, but that is life. Perhaps you can rethink your life, can your plans wait for another year? Do you like who you have become? Do you look forward to tomorrow? Getting to the point that you don't like your own life, that you can't stand to wake up to face the day is definitely beyond the point that you need to say that you are done being their foster placement. It doesn't mean you can't be involved in their lives, but sometimes its too hard to be emotionally involved in a situation and being in charge of it at the same time. Not quite the same thing, but my parents are struggling in their marriage, and my mom wants to talk to us about it, but when we talk we give advice, we try to fix the problem, but she just wants us to listen and I told her that we can't just sit and listen, we are involved in it also - that is what a third party is for. So either you have to figure out how to deal with the parents in a different way with a different arrangement, or you might have to become a third party...

I know what you are going thru, I am a kinship placement also.. and ready to quit. I am ready to quit because of the life disruption... the bio parents... mom is not doing anything, dad is trying but he has a long road. BUt we did not have nieces full history and lots of things are coming out now,.. that I do not think we can handle. It is also affecting my children.. so we have to make the worst decision... and I am so afraid of what it will do to my niece. BUT YOU have to do what is right for your life... I am trying to see it this way.. If I am not happy, if my kids are not happy, if my DH is not happy... what in the heck could I provide my niece. She needs security yes,, but she needs a chance to live in a happy loving enviroment. We are turning into a frustrated, annoyed and mean enviroment. Not good for anyone!

Same here. Home doesnt feel like 'home' anymore :( (((LifeChanges))) I feel for you sooo much. I am a 40+ yr old with one nephew and struggling to hang on. I hope things get better for you soon.

Hugs to all of you kinship providers. The complexity of the relationships must make it really difficult.

Do you have anyone that can take the kids for a weekend and give you some time to think. You have other options you know. At this point you will either raise the kids as your own for the rest of your life or you will have to see them go back to parents at some point in the next 12 to 18 months.If you really feel that you can not handle either of these outcomes you should think about letting them go to a foster home that could adopt them if it comes to that. That does not mean you have to stop being their loving, caring aunt. I'm sure most if not all the people on this forum would love to have someone in their child's bio family that cares about the kids as much as you do. It sounds like you are really stressed and you have to do what is best for you. I would really hate for it to get to the point that you resent the kids.

I have a hard enough time with my most recent placements family. I can't imagine what it would be like if they were relatives. My heart goes out to you guys that are kinship foster parents. Hopefully you can come to some resolution! Hugs and positive vibes coming your way.

Can you change any parameters, such as starting to meet for visits not in your home? At a mall court or play area or similar? That helps several ways:--You can get up and leave at a pre-determined time, so relatives can't drag out the time frame--The children know that their parents won't ever be in your home. If the parents are/were neglectful, abusive, or just plain wierd, children feel safer if they have a space to live where the parents are never there.--Unless foster care (are you even actual foster care now?) has mandated a certain number of visits, you could try cutting down the frequency. Most kids act out after visits.

I just wanted to say that I hope things get better for you. I know that is no consolation, but my heart really goes out to you and those kids... GL

Vent away, I would be venting too if I were you. Our first placement was with a 2 1/2 year old boy, we were devistated when we had him for just over 3 weeks and CW said he was going to an approved kinship placement. I cried for days, my DH cried, we couldn't believe it. CW didn't want him moved but she didn't have a choice in the matter. The CW did say that she didn't have the best experience with kinship placements because the parents walk all over the family. In January I heard through our home development worker that indeed the parents were walking all over the family and the placement was about to come to an end. The judge approved for the parents to have unlimited visits, yeah nice ha? So whenever the parents want they can see the children, but the family lives at least 50 miles from the parents. The 6 month review was supposed to be in February and I haven't heard anything since. I was wary of taking him back because if the parents are getting visits outside of the office that means they are working their plan and most likely getting him back. I couldn't take giving him back again and another placement fell into our laps since then. I really hope for the best for our FFS and you as well, I commend you for what you are doing, it takes a special person.

[QUOTE=alys1]Can you change any parameters, such as starting to meet for visits not in your home? At a mall court or play area or similar? That helps several ways: --You can get up and leave at a pre-determined time, so relatives can't drag out the time frame [QUOTE] She hit the nail on the head with this one. It can't be stressed enough. We are kinship placements too - 2+ years later we just got assigned an adoption worker, so hopefully finalized by the end of the year. We made a lot of mistakes in the beginning by trying to be helpful & letting the agency walk all over us (we never let the bp walk on us, but the agency made it seem like it by following their suggestions). Once we got visits out of my house life got a lot better. 1 hr at Mc Donald's playland, if they 15 min late we leave, visit ends at 1 hr mark & we get up & leave. It required bp to actually prove they could be on time (they missed a few because didn't think we'd actually leave). It ended the visit when it was over. That's not to say if things were going well that we wouldn't take our time about leaving, but we had the option. I didn't stress about having them in my house (we're talking druggies with a theiving problem). I know all about the hard things, the not knowing, the stress, the other family members who get in the mix, etc, etc. Please vent away, but what it boils down to is could you see the kids raised away from family? I couldn't. No matter how much it disrupted our lives (I had a 5 month old infant when I got the call), no matter how much I stressed, cried, prayed, etc, he was family. To me, that ends all. Others don't feel that way & that's ok too. There are a lot of good adoptive fp out there who would provide great families to these kids & might or might not let you stay part of their lives. It just boils down to what you can live with. Neither option is good & it stinks that your relatives have put you in this place, but unfortunately there's nothing you can do about that.

I don't visit as often as I would like but this place has my heart. I have garnered some great knowledge here and I hope I can pay it forward:I, too, and in a kinship placement. My husband's grandchildren are placed with us and have been for a very, very long time. We love them, and I love their mom but sometimes all you can do is find a dark, quiet place and cry. It doesn't mean that you aren't cut out to do this; it means sometimes life punches you hard in the stomach and it may take a while to recover. During that recovery period it's normal to feel sad, to doubt yourself, and desire change that we believe will be for the best. Will it be? Who knows?? Are we doing this just for ourselves?... I know most of us are not. THAT'S what makes this particular path a difficult one to walk!!!My stepdaughter likes to club. The children's father is in prison serving 25 to life. They go to visits and come back with McDonald toys and new clothes which is FUN. Then I have to make them brush their teeth, take their baths, go to bed and that is decidedly NOT. Mom isn't doing anything particularly BAD, it's just she's not parenting and that doesn't seem fair some days. I want them to go home and they will, one day, but I know they are better off here until mom grows up. I'm sure you know the same for your situation.It's time to re-evaluate your situation. How can you make this better, more enjoyable, more successful for you? What parameters or concessions need to be in place to make this easier on you? Figure that out and then talk to the caseworker. This has to work for you or it won't work. Period.Lastly, don't (try not to) feel bad for feeling bad. Don't (try not to) feel defeated if you decide this just isn't going to work. Sometimes people are placed in our lives for a season. Your season of kinship foster care may just be over, and that's OK. Just know that heartbreak is unfortunately a part of this thing; whether we are related to the children or not. We get attached, we love on them, we treat them as our own, and then they are going home. Luckily, we get to see our children grow and flourish even if it's just through family functions, babysitting, or even FB. Many FP don't have that privilege. So for that, I'm grateful. I hope you will find it to be something to look forward to, too.

Sorry,But I wouldn't let them go to foster care,so they can become more screwed up,with attactments.I doubt the parents plan to get there act up,I think the county should put up for adoption,charge them with abandonment,if they don't work on getting them back.Theres not much u can do,since fostercare isn't the best option.

I'm doing kinship care too (for our nephew) so I know how you feel. I had no idea how much uncertainty we'd be plunged into for so long. We've had him for 18 months now and it's been a long stressful roller-coaster ride. And it isn't over yet. :( the TPR trial is in a month. I agree with the others about not having visits in the home if possible. Bio mom is my sister and hates my guts, so she refused to have me supervise visits. So a third party does all the transportation and visit supervision. I don't know if I could've made it this far if I would've had to do the visits too. This has been the hardest experience of my life. I honestly don't know how foster parents can do this over and over. What I have to keep reminding myself is that (a) I'm doing this for my nephew, not for me, and (b) it WILL be over eventually. (okay, so it will never really be "over", even if we adopt, because there will always be the bio parent issue -- but the visits and uncertainty will end at least.) If you decide you can't do it, don't beat yourself up about it. We all have limits and maybe you've reached yours. I hope it gets better for you.

It sounds like you love the kids. Period. That is why you're doing it. I cannot even imagine doing kinship care for a close relative. You're doing an amazing thing for THEM. Just remember that. :wings:

Adding on to the chorus of kinship caregivers.. You're very much NOT alone here. At the risk of sounding like a broken record - boundaries, boundaries, boundaries!! You are responsible for the kids - NOT the parents. If the parents are disrupting your family life, then that needs to change. Visits to the home stop, phone calls stop (if not required by a visitation plan). Frequency and duration of the visits should go down. Proper behavior needs to be defined and agreed upon. period 3 years ago, if I read this post, I would have rolled my eyes and thought "easier said then done". I was used to rolling with my families dysfunction. it was sooo hard to demand what I expected. But, I have to tell you - life got infinitely better once i did. Sure, there were a rocky couple of months when the BPs tried testing the boundaries. But then, life got pretty normal It sounds like you have a couple amazing kids there. Thanks for looking out for them good luck to you