OMG - are we crazy to consider??

A few of my children have/had RAD/Attachment issues ranging from mild to high. Some children can be healed and some, unfortunately, can't. You just can't judge whether or not they will/can be. Our children have been very challenging and we have been consistent. On the average, it has taken three years. Sure I wish it was an overnight fix, but it's not. Several times I asked myself if I could handle it long term, but one look at my children and I am pumped again to handle whatever they throw my way. Only you know what your limit is and what you can handle. I don't believe that the behaviors will disappear. Sometimes they may reappear when something tragic a negative memory, but you might notice as the years go by, the behaviors might not be as dramatic or last as long. Year by year it slowly reduces...at least it has with our kids. What has helped me {along with the support of hubby and others} is to not take anything personal that my kids do...that was very hard in the beginning as I felt like a failure. Also, I educate myself in reading topics dealing with RAD and what has worked for others...and talking with those that have been there, done that. Good luck in whatever you decide.

You don't adopt a child like this because you want to build a family. You adopt them because they are hurt and you are willing to give up your own life for the chance that you might save them.

I have permanent guardianship of two of my cousins children they have been with me since the boy was 15 months and the little girl was 3 weeks old. He has just turned 4 and the little girl just turned 3. He was diagnosed with RAD since about 2 yrs old as well as PTSD he suffered from neglect abuse and who knows what else. He is already on his second CBAT unit hospitalization for violent destructive behavior. I have so many services in place from our therapist and all the appointments a week is unbelievable. He was thrown out of daycare for his aggressive behavior, he has broken so much of my furniture from throwing it and he has (believe or not) broke a lock off my window which my husband said he couldnt even do. When he get into one of these tantrums he is so strong that I say to myself if I can't handle him at three how can I deal with him when he turns 8. It is very trying my days are long and you are always so vigilent that he doesnt hurt his sister. I guess there is no easy road to take with these children but to give them love (even if somedays you just don't know if you can truly love them). I think we are in it for the long haul, we are going to try to adopt them and pray for the best and keep getting the help he needs and hope he doesnt also have bipolar that his mother has. I also have raised three of my own children who are older, but that would never have prepared me for this.

Do you have access to a qualified counselor who *understands* RAD, who's part of a network of qualified counselors who understand RAD (there are at least 8 in the USA)? Are they helping YOU to cope, in addition to helping the child? Are you *both* in every counseling appointment?Are they recommending things for you to read or study? Have you read material about RAD yet?I would strongly urge you not to try this by yourself. I'm not saying, "Do /don't", just, "don't do w/out support". I will say, "Don't do it because DCF wants you to." JeffW is spot on. Family life with a child like this is the adult sacrificing themselves to heal the child (as he says, on the *chance* they can heal the child.)PS: That sounds to me like a counselor who knows *nothing* about RAD, or not enough to have a clue. Geez.PPS[url=http://www.deborahhage.com/articles/lying.html]Lying and Teaching the Truth - Deborah Hage, MSW[/url]PPPS If you're her 5th placement, that's neither your nor her fault. The state needs to step up and be totally honest about her behaviors and needs with potential adoptive families. And they need to get competent, steady, excellent help for any family she's with.

Are you being told that the choices are only adopt or move the child? When I started foster-to-adopt (in Colorado) they told us in orientation that although we could adopt after a 6 month wait, we did not have to adopt that fast and we could wait another six months and another etc, and they emphasized that we should not adopt before we felt sure about it, that it was okay to delay it. I had an office-mate in Maryland who kept her boy but without any intention of ever finalizing it as an adoption (her motive was financial), and DHS was fine with that (though I would hear one side of some pretty spirited phone conversations she would have when trying to get money for things like driver's education).

I highly recommend that you read the article mentioned above. I just saw it mentioned in the Foster Support section of the forum and after I read that article I found that she has lots of good articles to read and learn about life with a child with RAD. Good luck in whatever you decide :grouphug:

Children with a history of trauma and loss (which leads to attachment problems) do not just get better when they are placed in a home or simply from the legal process of adoption. They must reprocess their early trauma/loss in order to heal and be open to securely attaching to a family. It seems it would make sense to find a therapist who would be able to help her heal. You can find experienced therapists at attach.org, radzebra.org, emdr.com or emdria.org

If you do not already see an Attachment Therapist please please get one. A regular therapist who has been "trained" in attachment does not count. My daughter came at 4 with severe RAD/PTSD and is now on the mild spectrum at 8. Certain triggers set her back a few steps, but she recovers more quickly the heathier she gets. Dealing with RAD is hard, I won't lie. BUT if you find the right attachment therapist, educate yourself on RAD (Gregory Keck, Deborah Hage, and Nancy Thomas are all great resources), and have a ton of consitency you can make great progress. Here is what our Attachment therapist taught us to do for lies. Lie one, corner. Lie two, corner standing on your toes. Lie three, do # of squats. Lie four, running in place. Lie five, to their room for the day. Took a month of doing this consistently, but it eventually made a big difference.

Hi Ssumner, As I'm reading your post, I can tell how much you care for your foster daughter and want what's best for her. Raising a child with attachment issues is definitely not "parenting as usual", and finding a therapist who specializes in this area can make all the difference. In the time I've worked with Focus on the Family, I've had the opportunity to become familiar with many of the resources they have available to help adoptive families who are facing challenges like yours. One excellent source of information is the Empowered to Connect [URL="www.empoweredtoconnect.org"]website[/URL]. There's an [URL="http://empoweredtoconnect.org/ten-questions-for-parents-preparing-to-adopt-or-foster/"]article[/URL] there that might be especially helpful for you. If you'd like help with referrals to qualified therapists, or even if you'd just like to talk with an understanding person about the struggles you're experiencing, you can call the counseling department at Focus for free - the number is 855-771-4357. Just some thoughts - hope this helps. Take care, ok?

I am in California and there is no "trial period". The most they will let you do in certain special circumstances is say, "ok, we will foster to adopt". That way if it doesn't work out it was just a foster situation. We are expected to read the case file, see a picture and then say yes or no. We had a failed match because we were unsure and the SW was not happy that we wanted to "talk it over privately". After we left I got continuous emails until I said no. (Like a day later). As far *** the issues go, If you love him, there are so many interventions and so much help available. I know I'm not in the same situation, but as one who is on the verge of adopting, I have looked in to all of these issues. I really hope it works out for you.

It may get better. If you are on the fence, I'd say say no. You have to believe you can help that child and you are willing to live with all they will put you through -- at least at the beginning. My daughter came home at 8. She has had some better times but is currently in a really bad time. Puberty has begun and it is NOT fun! She does have a RAD diagnosis, and now so do I. If they want a definitive yes, then I say say no. If they can wait...start treating her as adopted, and get to therapy and see how it works for you.

Horsepucky. A *good* counselor, who *understands RAD* "mild or not -- would be telling you, "After years and years and years of HARD work on your part, she will be healed. She will know joy and smile. She will still struggle, but your hard work will pay off." And that counselor would then say, "I will be supporting you all the way. We will do therapy for her *together* in my office, you and me and the child, and WE, all 3 of us working hard, will heal her. I will back you the entire time it takes. Your part will be hardest, because you will be with her far more hours than I. But the end result will be SO GORGEOUS, you will be amazed. And we will have saved this child's life, created the possibility of a beautiful future for her."You *NEED* a counselor experienced with RAD (mild or no! -- and what you describe doesn't sound so mild! Just because someone called it that, does not make it necessarily true). ALL rad children look you in the face and lie to you, it's one of the symptoms. You have to get to a place that you can live with that, not because it's easy, but it gives her power to have it tweak you. It's not "approving" of it, it's "living with it", and not blaming her for it, any more than you would if she had a heart valve leaking and couldn't run marathons. It's a symptom of the abuse heaped on her in the past. I have the article that showed me how to do that:[url=http://www.deborahhage.com/articles/lying.html]Lying and Teaching the Truth - Deborah Hage, MSW[/url]Trust me I was there, "You hit the cat, move into the time-out corner." "No, I didn't." "I am RIGHT here, I saw it." "No I didn't do it." Rinse and repeat, 4-6 times, or as many times as you care to run around that little circle. When I *quit entering the circle*, my life improved. The child wasn't fully healed, but I didn't expect that overnight.Now off to read the other no doubt great advice you got.

Curious to hear what you decided? Our 12yo AS, with us for 16 months, so i can tell you 12 is H.A.R.D. We worry about what it will be like at 16 or 18. The two statements here I connected with the most was that we are giving up our lives for the hope he can heal and you have to believe you are willing and able to live through what they put you through. Noone who hasn't dealt with it in there home can understand what it is like. period. There are folks like PP who are saints and can completely put aside their emotions and still be "pumped" about about dealing with RAD. I am not one...we have counseling for every family member individually and in combinations and spend as much time and energy keeping our family from being destroyed by AS's behaviors as we spend trying to heal him. We are committed to seeing it through. Would we do it again, if we had fostered him first and knew the extent of his issues? N.O. Sad, but true.

RAD is hell. Sorry... I have two little razzleberries and the more I try to love them, the worse their behaviors. The oldest (8), lies like it's breathing. She steals and is 'stealth'. She makes Tom Cruise's character in Mission Impossible look special needs. We have been in therapy for years and hormones seem to be kicking in and making it worse. Do what you feel is best for you and your family, but be warned that once you get these kiddos into your home (adopted), the resources for their very special needs is almost non-existent. There is actually a petition on Change.org that is trying the following: An on-line petition is being sent to the US Department of Human Services, Child and Families and every state Governor's office. The petition was started today and can also be found at Change.org entitled: Post-Adoptive support for Children with Reactive Attachment Disorder. It is asking for the following: A - Pre-Adoptive families to be informed of Reactive Attachment Disorder in the same manner that child abuse and neglect is presented, including but not limited to videos and presentations regarding signs, symptoms and treatment options. B - Post-Adoptive family attachment support. C - Post-Adoptive Reactive Attachment Disorder treatment, escalated to the highest levels of care to ensure the best possible outcome for these children readily affordable. D - For the safety and welfare of the adopted child, the ability for a family to relinquish their parental rights as expeditiously as possible when they realize that they are unable to parent said child, without fear of prosecution. Please support us. Many families are in crisis without enough support. You may find the petition here: [url=http://www.change.org/petitions/the-governor-of-all-post-adoptive-support-for-children-with-reactive-attachment-disorder]Health Petition: Your Governor: Post-Adoptive Support for Children with Reactive Attachment Disorder | Change.org[/url] Please lend your support and pass this petition to other mental health practitioners, foster / adoptive parents and pediatricians. RAD is sometimes invisible because the worst behaviors occur behind-closed-doors in the home. The families suffer and so do the children. Thanks for your support!

Don't do it!! Do NOT do it!! Life is too short, and devices for kids with RAD are basically non-existent!! But don't take my word for it, check out these blogs by adoptive parents who've been there, done that and really and truly wished they hadn't: Adopted a RADish from Ethiopia in 2009, the child kicked the family dog to death (torturing animals is a sign of sociopathy) and there's no help to be found: [url=http://christalljasongrace.blogspot.com/]Cornrows & french braids[/url] Laurel's family adopted 3 kids from Ghana-- the oldest RADish sexually assaulted his sisters and tortured/killed several cats; there's no help to be found for the you best girl whose hurtling down a similar path: [url=http://www.ourjourneyoffaith.net/search/label/Adoption%20Disruption%3A%20Crisis?m=0]Our Journey of Faith: Adoption Disruption: Crisis[/url] Adopted 2 RADishes from Russia as toddlers. Peter (now10) had to be institutionalized and there's little help to be found for Sophie (now 8): Whenrainhurts.wordpress.com Adopted a RADish from Ukraine. No help to be found, so the girls been shipped off to boarding school and is about to be expelled. There is no plan b: Trudgingahead.blogspot.com Adopted a RADish called Dustin as a toddler, he's now 17 and regularly assaults the family dogs, sneaks out of the house in only his underpants and must be in line of sight supervision at all times: [url=http://sherific.blogspot.ca/2011/03/gravy.html?m=1]Ain't That Sherific?: Gravy . . .[/url] Adopted 3 RADishes, the oldest of whom sexually assaulted her younger siblings for years. Years. Years til the APs figured it out and stopped it. 2 RAD kids still live st home: Waldenbunch.blogspot.com Adopted 2 RADishes, getting help is **** near impossible and the mom doesn't want to institutionalize the kids but may not have a choice: [url=http://adoptivefamilyno2.blogspot.ca/2012/05/it-can-be-hard.html?m=0]Adopting Special Needs: It Can Be Hard...[/url] Adopted a now-16 yr old RADish who has been in a psychiatric hospital since last summer. Self harm, attempting to harm others, danger to herself and the world at large [url=http://www.baggageblog.com/2012/03/hard-and-impossible.html?m=0]I'm looking for baggage that goes with mine...: Hard and Impossible[/url] Adopted RADish Sophie, who is now 14, who falsely accused her a/dad of sexually assaulting her and her siblings. On the day a/mom had another baby. [url=http://ourhaitianjourney.blogspot.ca/2012/01/one-year.html?m=1]Mom to 16: One year[/url] Run run run like the wind!! You do NOT want to adopt a RAD kid if you can at all avoid it. (you may inadvertently end up adopting a kid with RAD, but, well, that's a different story!!!!!).