Failed? Guess I'm a failure.

Adoption seemed like the only reasonable option for me. I just wanted my baby to have a family. My family wasn't supportive of the pregnancy. Her father refused to acknowledge me when I refused to terminate. My choice to not terminate caused me to lose everything that mattered to me. I still couldn't abort. Adoption was the right thing to do. She'll have a family. Siblings, grandparents, a mom & a dad... All I had was myself! Or so I thought.... I was matched with a beautiful family. PAmom became my best friend. She was there for me to talk to & relate with. My friends and family weren't supportive of the pregnancy at all, I felt betrayed so I decided to spare myself the criticism and not share my plans with them right away. Over the months my family began to stop criticizing. My friends became more interested in my progress. I, for the most part was always very short with issues regarding the LO. I never posted her ultrasound pictures on facebook. Never posted belly pictures either. When people would say did you pick a name I'd simply reply no. While I didn't plan to get pregnant and give this baby away.... What else could I do? For all I knew at the time I didn't have anyone to help me in any way especially emotionally. How could I parent knowing that I lost everyone I loved and this child would have no one in this world other than myself? As time went by I started to realize there could be hope.. People started stopping by, calling offering to help. It caused alot of confusion.... When I made the decision to place my baby I did so because I thought I'd never get my family back if I didn't. How could I raise a baby without my famiy helping? I began to consider the idea of parenting my child. I asked the PAPs and the agency for some space. I was torn, heart broken and confused. The agency backed off. PAmom kept texting. When I didn't answer she'd email me. She would say she was worried so of course I was guilted into replying. This went on for a couple weeks. Each time I'd remind her that I just needed space to think because I have been WAYYY TOOO EMOTIONAL! I received a packet of pre adoption paper work on Friday.... I threw up when I read those documents. I decided to sleep on it and try again in the morning. That sleep never came. I was up all night crying. I knew that I had to tell these loving people that I made a huge mistake. It took me 12 hours to finish the email. I couldn't figure out what to say or how to say it. So I typed.... With tears in my eyes not knowing whether I should say I was certain or not... Is there hope or not.... I just wasn't sure because my emotions were and still are everywhere. In the mist of all of this I was informed that my surprise baby shower was scheduled for Sunday!!!!!!!! WTHeck? baby shower?? Who cares that much? I didn't know what to say, I asked why I was getting a baby shower!! No good answer... I just turned my phone off so I could think. Well... I sent the email... I apologized... I didn't expect a reply but I really wanted one. Even if it was just F-You B-word.... I really needed to hear something from them... This was saturday evening, still nothing. I understand they are hurt and it's my fault. However, for six months we were open and honest with each other about EVERYTHING. She told me no matter what happened she loved and respected me. She said I was strong and she believed in me. I guess I'm not the only one who changed my mind. I know I'm wrong for being upset. I obviously made a mistake making an adoption plan in my situation. I should have considered what I wanted instead of letting everyone else determine my feelings about single parenting. I feel soooo bad and guilty for all of this. My baby is due in 2 days and I have slept 15 hours in three days. I've had two nightmares that she is stillborn. I keep imagining her being dead. I'm hurt, terrified and scared. I want nothing more than to hold my baby girl in my arms and promise her the exact thing I promised her when I was matched with them. "I'll make sure you have a family who will unconditionally love you, nurture you, keep you safe and give you all you need." The only difference now is that I am determined to make it happen as opposed to depending onother people to do it for me. Why do I feel so bad? So sad? I wanted her to have a family and she has one here with me and many people all around waiting for her arrival. I know I will get alot BS for this post. I see the way PAPs talk about "failed adoption" but I'm ready to hear it.