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((((papercraft))))))) So sorry that you aren't getting the understanding that you need from your dh. Its so hard for someone outside of the triad to understand the obsessive peroccupation you're experiencing in the midst of the SEARCH itself. He probably sees you as a whole person- knows that you aren't going to change once you learn more about your origins and birthfamily but he can't see the 'hole' in your psyche or emotions. Its particularly difficult for men who can't assist or DO something during the search-and he can't make it right or easy for you. Do you have other support systems? Have you looked into a support group local to you for adoptees or maybe a branch of CUB? When I got my non-identifying info I was engaged and my fiance couldn't understand how emotionally destraught I was by it. The opening statement was that my mom intentionally got pregnant to see if she could- but didn't want the resulting baby. I had always felt loved by my birthmom-so seeing this really threw me. I had also been told that she was french canadien but found her last name to be jewish- so everything seemed to be different than what I always felt secure in. My fiance couldn't help and wanted me to stop searching- but I followed my gut which told me my feelings of attachement to her all my life were too strong to ignore- and I did find her and she is wonderful. But the whole search process did cause a lot of relationship issues(or compounded the ones that were already there-as I later divorced him). As for your husband, this just might be something he can't empathize enough with and you may need to get additional support from triad members or a therapist to help you deal with it. Feel free to PM and talk about it more. I've been in reunion for nearly 20 yrs and have had the rollercoaster throughout. My current husband is also adopted and in reunion and HE still doesn't understand why I stay on boards or in the adoption world when my search was successful. Men....

Hi there, new to this forum, in reunion for nearly nine years and I'm male :) When I look back on the time before I found my birthmother I remember it as being very bittersweet in a way. For me it was one of the most rewarding and fulfilling things I've ever done, definitely one of the most exciting times of my entire life. But no one close to me really understood. My GF tried to be supportive but she was a bit cynical about the whole thing. Likewise, my closest friends didn't understand either; one was actually downright hostile about it as she felt I was somehow betrayingӔ my adoptive parents. My sister (who was adopted too) tried a search but it didn't go well and she was quite bitter about it, so talking to her wasn't really an option. The woman who handled my non-ID info for me was a godsend, really the only person who understood the emotions involved. Even now, many years later, I'm reluctant to share my experiences with people outsideӔ of the adoption circle. I just tried to remember how oddӔ and ailen the whole concept is to some people and I try to be patient and non-judgmental. It's a difficult thing for some to wrap their heads around and I've accepted that it's something I have to deal with mostly on my own. Here's wishing you the best of luck in your quest, hang in there!

I am sorry your husband doesn't seem to hear or understand how all encompassing this situation is. It's not uncommon because unless you've been through it; there is hardly words to put how we feel in such a way other's can understand. To me if people aren't sensitive I become more apt to explain things so they can understand. I can see how often people want "to fix" things or to persuade us that it's not worth the emotion or to somehow resent the preoccupation. It's part of who we are. I am who I am as result of my disconnection much like those who have been nurtured are who they are due to their parents support etc. We are just as worthy of having our needs heard as anyone else. People made comments my whole life speculating my origin because I have very distinctive features. It drove me nuts. Everyone wanted to claim me or to remark on certain features when I told them I was adopted and I didn't know what my origins were. Keep your chin up and realize that you have a right to feel what you are feeling. Can you narrow down what is bothering you in particular or narrow down how long you've been feeling this pain? That's important. If you feel a lack of interest, lack of appetite, sleep interruptions etc you may be experiencing depression over a month or so. I went through it. It took a mild boost of seritonin and dopamine from an anti-depressant to get me out of the doldrums. I never want to get to that state again.

Most of my friends know that I got through some issues but I have learned there are people worthy of my story and their are people who won't have a clue. I choose carefully who I share things with now.

Thak you for your support it means so much to me, that you understand what Im going through. Where I live in the uk there is no support groups thats why I have come here, I know it sounds weird but I feel I belong, I fit in and that feels good. I haven't felt that really before.Hopefully it wont be long for my reunion with my bmum. Maybe in time my husband will understand or is that just wishful thinking on my part....

My sister is odopted as well from a different family, she doesn't understand my need to search either she says that im going to "open a can of worms". Or "curiosity killed the cat". The one person that I want beside me isn't there, she just doesn't have that longing feeling that I have so doesn't understand, that upsets me.Yes I know what you mean I to keep it to myself

One of my cousins was also adopted and she was close with my sister. They both tried reunions but they didn't go anywhere, so I was hesitant to discuss mine with them as I didn't want there to be any resentment or have the whole thing turn into a topic for gossip. As far as significant others and friends were concerned, I was definitely disappointed that I didn't get more support, but the subject makes some people very uncomfortable. Other than my caseworker I didn't really have anyone to talk to while I was going through the process. It was tough going through the excitement and anxiety alone, but afterwards a few people close to me kind of came around a bit. Really I guess it's what led me to these forums again after a long absence, it's an ongoing process and having some fellow adoptees to relate to does help a lot.

Well, as far as husbands go, I think it's just very hard for men to understand women's deep emotionality. They just don't have it, they're not wired that way. Even the nicest guy in the world doesn't get this one every time. I've said for years that there's one person in this city who has a sensitive husband who understands them all the time... and that person is *definitely* gay with a gay partner. It's not a woman. So hopefully that made you laugh, if it didn't, sorry. I read some research a while back that basically said male and female brains have major differences in nerve connections. So females think and feel at the same time -- most of the time. And men are *not* feeling at the same time as they're thinking. So this is a huge difference, and hard for either of us to imagine the other's reality.AFA the adoption piece, I'm not adopted, but half of my cousins were three people. So I've lived in an "adoptive" family all my life. I believe it was only after one of my cousins found birth family that I began to understand how deeply it had affected him. I don't know if I can explain it better. It's not that I didn't care, or didn't want to understand, but... I just didn't. So -- for those of us on the outside, it can be tough to "get it". Maybe you could leave him a note, "Honey I just need to cry for a few days because I'm sad."AFA the crying, wanting to hide. Been there. After I divorced & moved into this house, I was emotional wreck. I had a potted plant sitting on top of the frig, opened the freezer to get out something, and the whoosh of air sucked the plant into the freezer and spread dirt *everywhere*. I started crying, and swear I cried for 2 days. Didn't even know it was possible. My guess is that after a while, the depth of this wave of emotion will pass over, and you'll be on a more even keel. I wish you the very best in working through this.

I really don't know what I would do with out this forum now, there is so much support out there from fellow adoptees its lovely. As you said it is tough, but now I know you are there for support and understanding, it will get better.This was my first thread, scarey stuff but thanks for the support you really dont know how this has helped, well maybe you do.

I totally agree on the husband front, they just don't get it. Thanks for letting me see it from an outsiders point, I suppose if you haven't been odopted you can never fully understand how it affects us. But it does help if you can just listen even if you don't say anything, thats what my husband didn't understand, but as you say their brains are wired different.

Even if it helped a little bit, it's worth it. You hang in there and hold your head high. Being male I know I'm in the minority here LOL, even the caseworker who helped me along the way told me the same thing, 90% female. I guess I'm the exception that proves the rule.....:)

Thanks, you made me smile today when I read your post this morning :thanks:

There are always exceptions; my partner is one of the most sensitive, laid back guys you would ever meet and he is my rock. We all need one; but I am sure I drive him to distraction sometimes. There are nuances I don't even know how to put into words. Sometimes at family gatherings I feel so lonely. He has a huge extended family so for my daughter's sake I am very excited to attend events. I don't want her to grow up with the meagre family contact I had in my adopted family. She was just 6 or 7 when I met my birthparents so at first she didn't understand why they weren't acting like her other grandparents. She thinks of them now as friends more than her relatives and is not at all caught up in the emotional whirlwind. Thank God.

A while back, I went through a reunion with my first father. We were reunited because I was adopted by my step father as a small child. The day we made contact I battled many emotions which consisted of grief of missing years and grief of lost years with grandparents and other extended family. I felt I was reconnecting with my father and family who knew me the first few years of my life and hoped to get questions answered about the past and eventually move forward into developing a relationship or friendship. I thought, since I had once called him daddy (pre adoption), that it would be smoothe and happy. BOY was I ever wrong and I was left with an emotional trauma that took me through a period of depression and grief I would not want to see anyone go through. What I discovered was that I had had a first father who had lied to people as to why I had been adopted and then proceeded to lie about me and my "supposed" actions and comments during our reunion so that other family members would understand his lack of communication with me and why they should not have contact either. I discovered that I had spent most of my life without my grandparents and other family who once knew me due to a skilled liar and manipulator who never wanted to be my father in the first place. I discovered that he had spent his life giving reasons and excuses as to why I was out of the picture in such a fashion that none were around in the past (time of my adoption) or stayed around in the present (time of my reunion). When things ended, I was devastated beyond belief because my first father had not given me the reaction of happiness and joy I had hoped for. In addition, I had to also make peace with the fact that I had had other family members who I had lost due to false information and my being presented in a false light. The loss and shock of all of it was tremendous. Out of all the drama, joy eventually came when I discovered that my first father had fathered a baby prior to me who had been given up for adoption at birth! My reunion in this case has been a happy and wonderful experience! The way things should be! In fact, I helped him to locate his birth mother which was a wonderful experience, too. I also had the love and support of a wonderful mother and mother's extended family. What I always knew family to be. Never take a failed reunion personally. It is not always ALL your fault. Also, rollercoaster emotions are normal that no one can understand until they have epxerienced them.

Im so glad your reunion turned out good in the end. I just hope and pray that I find something out about the past be it good or bad. What has helped me is doing a daily diary of how I'm feeling, then look back on it, that has helped alot. My husband is reading Primal Wounds by Nancy Newton Verrier, and he is starting to understand how I'm feeling and why. THis has helped so much and we are more together now than before.