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if you placed your child in a closed adoption and the adoptive parents contacted you just 8 years later asking if you wanted to open up contact?
I am asking because my daughter was placed for adoption through DHS at birth. She had planned for the adoption since she found out she was pregnant at 3 months. DHS does not arrange open adoptions so I'm not even sure if the birthmom meant for it to be "closed" or if she was even given the option. (We had asked the social worker to offer contact several times but as far as we know she didn't), since that is not what they typicaly do in our area.
I did have her name and I have been keeping my eye out for her for years hoping I would somehow find her and be able to offer contact.
Well, I found her on Facebook. I wrote a short note explaining who I was and offering to start contact with her if she was interested. That was almost 2 weeks ago. I still haven't heard anything. I'm trying to figure out what this might mean? Maybe she hasn't gotten my message yet? Maybe she has and she is just thinking it over? Maybe she isn't interested in contact and is just ignoring me?
My hope is that maybe she just hasn't been on facebook to recieve it yet. But this leaves me with questions. How long do I wait to hear a responce? I have her address just by looking her name and city up in the white pages online. Should I try and contact her by certified mail?
I want to respect her feelings and her privacy. Recieving a letter in the mail seems more intrusive than a simple message on facebook that only she will see. With a letter others might intercept it or see her opening it. Plus, it might feel overwhelming to recieve a letter in the mail as well as through facebook. Like an invasion of her privacy all the way around.
What do you all think? Is the letter idea a bad idea? How long should I wait before trying to contact her in another way? Should I just drop the idea of contacting her if she doesn't respond through facebook? Eventually she would find it, right?
I wish I would have heard something by now!
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Still no message from her. I checked before We left for our trip on the 16th and she had not been on. I just checked again and I do see that she has been on and added about 8 new friends but still no posts or anything on her wall.
I get the impression that she is still pretty new to facebook and doesn't post much, either on her wall or on others. Mostly just adding new friends to her account.
Someone had mentioned to me that if you recieve a message from someone who is not on your friends list that it goes to an "others" file. I wonder if my message to her might have been lost in her "others" file, and maybe she hasn't thought or known how to look view it. (I'm a regular on facebook and I didn't even know this when I heard it).
So now I am in the (she may have seen my message since its clear she has been on faceook)...or the (she may not even see my message since I have not friended her) boat. hmmm.
I am nervous "friending" her since I post a lot on facebook and I don't even know her. (maybe I can personalize what she sees and what she doesn't see? If I friend her) or just waiting it out for another month or so and then sending her a notarized letter explaining to her who we are and giving her our contact info for "if and when" she may want to contact us.
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Lisasue- It's not as though I am suddenly wanting contact out of the blue. I have wanted to offer her contact for the last 8 years. It wasn't until a month ago that I believe I found her (based on the limited information that I do know about her and her family). My main hope was just to let her know who we are and to offer her the ability to stay in contact with us, if she chooses. I understand she may not want contact, my only hope was to give her that choice. In a situation where I don't believe she was offered the choice to begin with. Maybe your right, maybe she did know from the start she wanted a closed adoption, but I don't know that. We had asked the social worker to give the birthmom our names and phone number inviting her to contact us, or to pass a letter from us to her but the social worker wouldn't do it. It wasn't how they did things. Adoptions through the state were typically closed and birthfamilies were not permitted to contact adoptive families. Adoptive parents had the option of continuing contact on their own, outside of DCFS if they choose to do so and if there weren't any blocks in place saying they couldn't. But this social worker wouldn't even give us that opportunity. She never mentioned the birthmom wanting a closed adoption. Her only concern was more of the opinion that "it just wasn't how things were done" and "open adoptions never work". She was "old school" and "by the book".
I decided to just send her a friend request on my facebook. To ensure she is able to receive my message. I wrote her another friendly message telling her that I hope she received my message and that I will be awaiting her response. I also told her that we will respect her wishes what ever they may be in regards to contact and that we just wish to share our name and contact information with her so that she can contact us sometime in the future when/if she is ready for contact. So I hope I hear from her soon. I will let you know what happens. I will give it at least another month and then re-assess.
She has completely changed her profile to the new Timeline as well as added some new pictures.
What does that mean? It means that she most likely got my friend request(though she hasn't approved it yet) and my messages (though she hasn't reponded yet).
It's very exciting and nerve racking at the same time. I feel like I'm going to hurl. lol.:clap:
I'm pretty sure that she has access to all of my posts/pictures etc. as well (even though she didn't accept the friend request yet). Is that right? Anyone know? (I have my privacy settings set to friends only but it shows your profile, when you've sent the request before they accept, right? or does she still not have access until she actually accpets the friend request?)
It's kind of scary having yourself out there, to be judged and seen by someone who doesn't know you, but has such a connection to you. I hope she likes me. I hope she likes us. She never choose us, so I hope she isn't dissapointed and that she can see that we love our family and our precious dd.
waiting on pins and needles now hoping for a reply, but worrying about all the things that might be going through her mind.
You seem like a nice person and I am sure that translated on your message to your daughter's natural mom. As a natural mom I would have been thrilled with updates, pictures, and contact. I say take the chance and send a letter just in case she doesn't check her messages. My brother admits to never checking his so it is possible she doesn't either.
Let's just say she does want contact. Can you imagine how crushed she will be in knowing that she could have had some contact and inadvertantly blew it?
Let's say she doesn't want contact. Then you may get a letter back stating just that. But you tried and you will have something nice for you daughter by trying to ease the questions and doubts her natural mother might have in wondering is she is OK.
Good luck with everything.
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Bummer. I guess she hasn't received my messages yet. I noticed a week ago that her profile had switched to timeline and there were new pictures. But, my brother in law just told me that all facebook accounts that hadn't already switched to timeline automatically switched to timeline that day. As for the recent pictures, I went back and looked and it shows they had been updated on march 28th, the day before I sent her the friend request and new message. So apparently it looks like I'm still in the same boat I was in. Wondering if she got my 1st message (probably not) and waiting for her to see the new friend request and new message.
This is hard.
I realize this post is a bit old, but I found it interesting.
I am an amom but I must say that I agree with Belle. Your info is out there, and I dont think you have crossed a boundary since you dont know if she was even given the option for the adoption plan to not be closed.
No need to send any other correspondence though because if or when she decides to try to find LO, you have opened the door and made it easier.
Another FB message is a moot point, and I think snail mail is too personal, especially if she doesnt want contact.
Also, FB did not auto turn everybody to timeline...I have some friends with it and some without it. I manually changed mine yesterday.
If her FB changed to timeline, chances are she got the message and after 8 years, she is dealing with the emotional ramifications of your kind hearted message that she may have never expected to receive.
As a Bmom once and about to be a Bmom twice, please do not give up, @momof6maybemore!I can only hope and pray that my daughters' Amoms would be as persistent as you. I know thats not a good thing in everyone's situation. But just like you extended a friendly "hello, I'm here" to her, she is more than welcome to extend a polite "No, thank you" to you. Don't give up! Please!My daughter is 9 and her mom and I are friends on facebook. We email their often. But you're right, some unknown emails go right to the "others" folder, never to be seen, unless you know what you're looking for. And not everyone has internet access. Maybe she only checks at a friends house? The next message or letter that you send, I would suggest that you let her know the only reason you're being persistent is because you're not sure if she's got your message yet or if its been passed by. If it were me, I'd be crying because I didn't know you were looking for me. I wouldn't want to spend one more day apart than I'd have to. **This is just my opinion and how I would feel** My first adoption is CLOSED CLOSED CLOSED and it was not my choice. But the Amom decided to open it for benefit of everyone involved. One of the best days of my life.
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Oh my gosh!:woohoo: She "friended" me:clap:
My heart is so happy right now. :grouphug: She hasn't written me anything and that is fine, I will just wait and give her a chance to get to know me and for her to take all the time she needs. I just feel so blessed.Thank you guys for your support. :clap:
I'm so confused. I was so sure this was her. Everything I know about her seems to point to her and she and her older daughter look JUST LIKE my dd (without question). Same hair, eyes,facial shape, expressions, smile. I just don't understand how this could not be her. I'm really wondering if she is telling me the truth, or if she is just trying to lead me in a different direction away from her. Either way, even if it was her I guess I have my answer and honestly I don't think I could continue to look and reach out to anyone else. I am so sure this had to have been her. =0( I'm so sad.
here is what she said...
"I'm very sorry I just now received your messages. I'm not sure why I haven't seen them because I get on fb at least once a week. I'm sure your hopes have been high thinking I may be the parent you are looking for; however, I'm sorry I am not. I have three birth children and they are all with me. I wish you much success in finding her birth mother. God Bless you!!"
from what I do know, it looks like she comes from a pretty religious family, and the adoption worker said that she had been seperated from her husband and that he wasn't the father. So maybe she is just reunited with her husband and wants to pretend that my daughter never existed? That is one of the only conclusions I can think of.
There is only one other person I could ask for verification, but I am hesitant. The older sister was 12 at the time my dd was born (so 20 now). I could contact her just to see if she confirms or denies the pregnancy. My hesitation is that the sister lives with the mother and either way, regardless of the answer or truth, this lady (if she is the birthmom) doesn't want contact or even to admit she is the birthmother.
so I guess I have come to a dead end. =0(
.
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that's what I thought at first, until I did some more research.I found a post from her that she just posted showing her oldest sons graduation from elementary school (though he looks like he can be much older, the older brother of my dd would be about 16 now, until she posted this I believed he was much older). The younger brother would be graduating from elementary but not the one in the picture who looked to be the oldest boy.I also found an article about her and it stated she received several nominations during the time before and after my daughter was born (I know my dd's birthmom was in a different occupation/school during that time, along with living in a rehab place, I doubt she would have received those nominations from that organization at that time).I also found our dd's birthmom has a different birth date listed on some paperwork I have. It's possible she wrote the wrong date or someone wrote it in the report wrong but not likely.I was so hopeful this was her mainly based on the name, age, family make-up, and by the facial features/expressions they looked nearly identical to my dd with both her and her oldest daughter. Plus the oldest daughter had the same middle name as my dd's middle birthname. Plus the location. Everything seemed to point to her. It was really hard to accept that it might not be her. I was sure she was just trying to blow us off, but after further research I think she might be right. It's so frustrating though. It's hard to let go of all the other connections that seemed to point to her. :hissy: