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Hello,
6 1/2 years ago, our then four year old daughter was placed in foster care with us. About five months later, her birth mother vanished. CW suspected she was pregnant and left the State. 2 years later we legally finalized the adoption of our daughter in a completely closed adoption with the exception of sibling contact placed with a different bio father.
Fast forward six years. Older sibling found birth mom, gave our info to birthmom, including our daughter's new name, phone # and address. My husband was really uncomfortable with this situation, and we decided to call birthmom and set some boundaries about contact.
This is so new to us. We have processed a lot of grief and loss with our daughter and after three years of a very rocky road healing from abuse, she is attached, thriving, beautiful, healthy and happy. Of course she is still processing abandonment issues although she no longer believes we will leave her. She wonders where her birthmom could be and if she is even still alive. We have talked openly with her about adoption, birth family and encouraged her ties to them. However, I am just realizing that I am terrified of open or even semi open adoption.
Afraid that wounds will re-open that we have worked hard to heal.
Afraid that her birthmom will kidnap her (she has an extensive criminal/addiction history)
Afraid that our family isn't ours anymore...I'm ashamed of that, I want her to love her birth family
Afraid that her birthmom will create chaos and dysfunction with a web of lies in our daughter's heart
I could go on and on...anyone have some words of advice? I could use some. Please tell me I am not out of my mind to have called her birthmom. I know my family would think I am crazy to have made contact with a woman who has hurt our daughter so deeply.
Gracie
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Hello. My story is a little different. My daughter was adopted at 8 and we also have seen a huge difference in her now that she is attached. We had a closed adoption except for siblings. We recently opened up the adoption to her birthmom and little sister. So far, so good. I did a lot of the talking in the beginning and leading. My daughter started with anger, which is understandable. It has taken a lot to get to this point though. Her birthmom owns her responsibility and we don't dwell on the past. Someday when my daughter is older and ready she can ask more. Good luck. I agree that you and your husband should set the boundaries. For us, if there is any suspicion of drug use or illegal activity,we will not meet. I would do that if it was anyone.
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I don't think it's crazy for you to have contacted her. Once the older sib gave out your info, that changed things and you have every right to establish boundaries to protect your daughter.
All of your fears are understandable and you don't have to be ashamed of any of them. It's natural for you to want your girl to have the safest and least upsetting concept of family--we all want that, even when it's not possible.
re: chaos and dysfunction, unfortunately I don't know that there is any way to predict how much of that will be brought about by contact. Deciding early what the boundaries are can probably help to limit it.
Thank you so much for responding! It is so nice to be able to post here. I don't feel free to mention it to really anyone in real life.
So, what boundaries would you all set? I asked birthmom not to contact our daughter personally, not to give our info out to relatives and engage in letter contact with me. I told her we honored her place as birthmom in our daughter's life, and talk about her often, but at least at this point, personal contact would not be appropriate. I asked if she had any baby pictures and she said she would mail copies to us. She cried a lot on the phone and claimed that she has been sober and clean for several years now, but knew the social workers would never let her have her kids back whatever she did. She also admitted she knew what she did was wrong and asked to write a letter to our daughter explaining/apologizing.
What would you do? Is 10 years old an appropriate time to receive a letter like this? Our daughter is at the point that she struggles to have good memories of her birthmom and badly wants to drop her first name (that she doesn't even go by) because her birthmom named her.
Would you send birthmom current pictures? She asked for this and I said that my husband and I would discuss it. I guess I'm scared to send pictures because Mom had a history of being around sex offenders and our daughter is such a beauty queen I just don't want her picture circulating.
Thank you to everyone who has written. I really appreciate it!
We have an open relationship with our daughter's birthmom but it has not always been easy. I would tell birth mom that you will read any letter first before sharing it with your daughter, to make sure that the content is appropriate. Also I would ask her not to call your home unless you have set up a specific time for that. I usually will text our DD's birhtmom and tell her I am going to call or it is ok for her to call at such and such a time. The picture thing might worry me too..... we send a lot of pictures but our girls birth mom has made such huge progress that I don't worry about her trying to get the girls or...... what ever. If I were you I would take it very slowly. See if she can honor the boundaries you set up first and then offer her more contact if she seems to be doing ok with things. If she wants to talk with your daughter put her on speaker phone but make sure she know she is on speaker. And then if your DD does not want to talk to her, honor that!
Good luck with it, I know how difficult it can be, but I think in the long run it is worth it, for your daughter's sake.
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