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This idea has come to me several times in waves as we've been on our journey. Every time I just get discouraged and convince myself that it's not for us.
DH and I have no children at this time. For this reason, we would want to adopt and parent a child, not an adolescent... there's a reason adolescents are called young "adults". It's an entirely different ball of wax (ie parenting skills and rewards, etc.). Obviously, we're not opposed to this age group, since younger kids grow up. But it's different when you both ease into this phase of life together, with some history, versus just being introduced in the midst of it.
So for this reason, when we say "older child" we're thinking up to about 8, maybe 10? Still in elementary school, anyway.
We are convinced that we'd be sold on adopting an older child if we had a chance to meet before making a commitment. I obviously understand that it is not fair to a child to lead them on by making them think you may be interested in adopting them, and then not adopting them. However, isn't this what happens every time a foster family doesn't choose to adopt their foster child? Or when adoptions dissolve? You simply cannot capture on paper, or even in a video, the essence of the child's personality.
We realize that in adopting an older child, we're not adopting a baby that we will mold to our own liking from the get-go. We realize that we are inviting a person with their own likes and dislikes, preferences, opinions, habits, their own personality, and we are not in the position to try to change any of that. Instead, we are in a position to match our personalities with theirs. Much like in a marriage.
In fact, I'd say that it's not fair to the child NOT to meet them first, spend time together first, and THEN decide that indeed, it feels like a fit. I know some agencies do host match parties, but they're rare.
We recently considered hosting through Kidsave for the simple fact that we weren't making a lifelong commitment to the child, but fully aware that if everything went well, we'd be interested in adopting them in a heartbeat, having already seen how they fit into our family.
However, the bureaucracy and cost involved with an international adoption is off-putting. We withdrew last year from an international adoption from Poland just before sending our dossier in. Also, as long as there ARE children waiting for a family here in the US, there's no reason why we have to go abroad.
Having said that, am I completely fooling myself that we can find a child or sibling pair UNDER the age of 10? I should note here that we are also not prepared for major medical needs.
We almost signed with an agency that had a program placing kids 8 and up, but when we told them we'd be interested in sticking to the lower end of their spectrum, all of a sudden they only worked with families interested in 9 and up. It seems that no matter what we say our comfort level is, they'll try to squeeze out of us a little bit more. I think this is unfortunate and dangerous, as people may be agreeing to things they really aren't prepared to handle.
I've met someone on here a while back who adopted several kids in our age range from foster care, but I've since lost her contact info. Are there agencies you all could PM me that do place kids younger than teen/adolescent/10?
Or is this a hoop dream, and we should move on? Thanks!
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In our state matching is a joke, the photolist too. So are the private agencies. I did respite and the kids were fairly normal little children. I finally figured it out, the only way to adopt a child that didn't have serious issues is to tell them I would do regular foster and the child has to be able to attend regular school because I have to work.
So I just made up my mind she was going back and I was going to make as much difference in her life when she was with me as I could.
It was hard when the other kids left and I still wonder and miss them. However, I wouldn't have missed my time with them.
None of the kids I've had went back. It hasn't been easy but the reality is most of the okay kids go to the foster parents. In our state the ones on the web sites etc. are kids with serious issues.
My daughter had nightmares and therapy but nothing I couldn't manage. At one point an uncle tried to get her and there was a court hearing for other relative but I made up my mind I was going to do it and if she went back it wasn't meant to be.
Her adoption was final last year and I'm glad for the whole experience (take that back most of it lol), even for the children who went somewhere else.
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I am speaking from the perspective of someone who had a disruption after four days. The child wanted to go. There were a lot of factors that we were not made aware of before placement.You asked the question, "Is it really necessarily the case that an 8-10 year old child being placed for adoption has to have significant emotional damage from their past experiences?" In my opinion, yes. Our child supposedly had minimal issues, amazingly so, but now the worker thinks she has significant attachment difficulties, perhaps even RAD. From my experience, you cannot really compare these severe issues with those of children who had a "typical" background. It's a whole different ball of wax.With attachment, if they don't have a secure attachment when they're VERY young, issues manifest later on. You also asked, "Wouldn't an agency do a decent job of matching our skills to a particular child's needs? Isn't that what they do? So shouldn't we just worry about being honest in what we can handle and let the agency worry about figuring out the match?Keep in mind that agencies have absolutely no loyalty to you whatsoever with older children. They only look at the child's perceived needs, and perhaps will try to get an especially difficult child off their caseload. Before we were officially given a caseworker, we were matched with a child who was so far beyond our level, had problems so far beyond what we stated we could handle. It was scary. Luckily, we had the strength to say no and break the match before meeting him. He is now in a group home and big, big trouble.I would be honest and not let yourself be talked into more than you can handle. The issues in adoption are sometimes so severe that if there is "only" a certain type of abuse, "only" a certain type of disorder that sounds less horrendous than the rest, you will go for it even though you really don't want to. I have found from my own personal experience that social workers are either not open and honest or do not know really what is going on behind the scenes. There were some red flags with our adoption that could've saved us all a lot of heartache.After my experience with breaking off a match and having a disruption after 5 days due to the child's wishes, I believe that older child adoption is not suitable for those who really want to build their family. It is more suitable for those who feel a need to help. That's just me.Remember, just because they want you to agree to a match does not mean that you have to. You are under no obligation to say yes just so they possibly won't think less of you.
Thank you both for your feedback. It sounds like I've really had a romanticized view of older child adoption. And you're right, JulieF75, I shouldn't do anything just because I think it will make me "look good", as I do have a problem with just this.
In all honesty, I didn't want to not pursue older child adoption because I keep hearing how everyone "prefers" younger kids, and I didn't want to be "one of those" people who somehow doesn't like older kids. But in reality, I see that this is like me feeling bad for not becoming a pediatrician... it takes a certain kind of person to parent these kids, and I don't think I'm that person.
Thanks for your honest feedback! I wish SWs didn't push older kids so much, and instead, focused on preventing their removal to begin with. My experience has been that they're quick to separate families and super slow at reuniting them.
I wanted to share our story - maybe it will help - maybe not, but, we were in a similar situation. We have one bio daughter - age 11 and were convinced that we were too old and our daily life would not be conducive to having a baby placed in our home so older adoption was definitely the way to go for us...but THEN...as i did my research and DH and I talked more and more about it we realized that a young child (0-6) would probably be best for us and our family. It was hard, especially after we told our family that we would be adopting an older child, to change our minds about age. For me personally, i realized that I really didnt want to miss out on all of those milestones that come with a little one. Maybe one day we will consider an older child - but that will be after our daughter is a bit older - maybe in 4 or 5 years. We are looking forward to doing our home study in the next couple of weeks and seeing what God brings us. The only down side to younger child adoption - in our area at least - is to do it, you really need to do legal risk -which was totally scary to us at first but know that it is what we have to do to get what we want. So - I guess I said all of this to say - I know where you are coming from....being positive you want one thing and then realizing you want something else. Good luck to you! :flower:
I would never ever adopt an older child again without spending time getting to know them first!!!! Btdt. It sucks to love your child but hate their personality. It's hard.
Fostering is probably a winner for your situation! I would strongly suggest it. Legal risk type placements could be perfect!
I would have adopted ANY of our previous kids that ended up going home. And I have never regretted fostering...even when they didn't stay!
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myForeverkids3
I would never ever adopt an older child again without spending time getting to know them first!!!! Btdt. It sucks to love your child but hate their personality. It's hard.
Fostering is probably a winner for your situation! I would strongly suggest it. Legal risk type placements could be perfect!
I would have adopted ANY of our previous kids that ended up going home. And I have never regretted fostering...even when they didn't stay!
The other poster made a good point.
She was saying that adopting to build your family and adopting because you have a desire to help troubled kids are two very different things.
There is nothing wrong with adopting to build your family!
I think people who say you should just take any kid, any age, and any issues are a little Pollyanna. Lol
Knowing your limitations is a strength not a weakness.
Wanting to be sure you can parent the child coming into your home is responsible.
Now let's think about it from the older child's perspective. Don't they deserve to have a parent that is prepared and knows a least something about what they need.
I think people who have some parenting experience under their belt, don't have younger kids in the home, and have a desire to take on a challenging parenting job are the BEST choice for older children.
I struggle with this thought every day of my life!!
Would an older couple without younger kids have been better parents for my older two kids?????
I think that because I want the best for them not because I don't want them!
I have an 8 year old STBAD. I remember when first meeting her, I thought WOW, shes doing awesome for what shes been through! We are now four months into it, and that was definitely the honeymoon. She struggles hard with pushing and testing me. We have therapy once a week, and the therapist is pushing 20 hours a week IN HOME, which we are seriously considering.The therapist says that every female roll model/mother figure she has had in her life has either abandoned her or was highly dysfunctional and abusive. She is subconsciously uncertain as to whether I am here permanently, and has no concept of what a real family including love and discipline is supposed to be. WE ARGUE ABOUT EVERYTHING. She has expectations that aren't built on normalcy.That said, we had a month of pre-placement visits including over-night visits before they actually moved in with us. We could have said no during that time. Regardless, we didnt start seeing these issues until they were with us for about a month or so.We also have her soon to be 3 year old brother. He has his own anger issues, and I am pushing for therapy for him as well. Also, he is a large reason why She and I are having a hard time bonding, because the household revolves around him :(I guess you can only make the best decision you can with what you were given, and then take the huge leap of faith that you can concur the issues that arise.Good Luck and God Bless
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There are only two things that stop me from adopting again this time an older child. What would I do with them after school and I'd be afraid of them in the beginning around my daughter. Besides their problems might effect her, possibly hurt my daughter etc. If I could trust an older child to be alone with my daughter, I would do it. So if I was a stay at home mom I'd take the risk. It is just too bad there aren't more monitored after school programs for older children.
Although my experience with adopting an older child was challenging the lease of our challenges was child care.
In our town we found out we have a recreation department that provides before and after school care in elementary starting at 7am to start of school and from end of school until 6pm which allowed me to work full time. She is now in middle school and school starts at 7:30am so no before program but they have an afternoon program from 2pm-6pm.
In the summer they offer a full summer day program for 8 weeks for kids through 8th grade.
I am a full time working mom so adopting a school age kiddo would have been tough if these programs where not available.
as far as having other children, yes this is tough and most children will need to be monitored at first to see how they will react. My 11 year old AD still needs constant 1 on 1 supervision at all times and it is very tiring.
Adopting an older child is a commitment and a heart thing, not for convenience of not having a little one. They come with a lot more baggage and hurt and personality and already built in convictions and feelings that little one's haven't developed yet and it takes a LOT longer to work through the issues. We are at almost year 3 and still have only scraped the surface of our kids issues.
Good Luck
We are in the process of adopting two brothers, ages 15 & 16. They have been in foster care for four years now, removed from their home due to severe neglect. There is no evidence of sexual or physical abuse. There has been one hold-up after another in getting them placed in our home. We have been trying to adopt them for one year and eight months! It has been a long, uphill battle. Needless to say, their caseworker wasn't doing her job and was fired. We love their new caseworker. The boys finally learned about us on October 16, and we met them on October 29. We have had them every weekend since and for all of the Thanksgiving break. I pick them up every Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday after school for the many activities we are involved in at our church. We are praying they are placed in our home this week or next. We haven't had any major problems with them so far, and they seem very accepting of us and very happy with us. Just tonight one of them said they were stuck with us. I said they didn't have to be and that they had a choice. The youngest said, "But we WANT to be stuck with you. You are the best stuck we've ever had." It made my heart melt. They are precious boys.
I say all of that to say that unless I am completely duped, these guys seem like normal teenagers with normal teenage emotions, feelings and issues. We are an experienced couple. We have already raised a child. Our only daughter is 18 and in college. We have been there, done that and have the skill set needed to raise these teenaged boys. Will there be challenges? Sure. Will we be able to handle them? Yep. But I do give a lot of the credit to having already raised a child and been very involved with her friends and the youth group and seeing all of the "drama" that teenagers can create. Parents of their own biological children go through a whole heap of junk with their own children. If they can get through it, so can we. That's how I have to look at it. I love these boys as if they were my own. I love every minute I get to spend with them, and I really look forward to homeschooling them once the adoption is complete. Thankfully, they are all for it.
Yes, I am completely new to adoption, but I am not a new parent. One of the most important things that has been told to me by several people who have been adopted is to love them. Show them you love them. Tell them you love them. Let them know when they get in trouble that you love them. I have also heard that it takes more than love. I can agree to an extent. It takes love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, self-control, gentleness, and faithfulness. But the greatest of these, in my opinion, is love. :love:
Meggera
We are in the process of adopting two brothers, ages 15 & 16. They have been in foster care for four years now, removed from their home due to severe neglect. There is no evidence of sexual or physical abuse. There has been one hold-up after another in getting them placed in our home. We have been trying to adopt them for one year and eight months! It has been a long, uphill battle. Needless to say, their caseworker wasn't doing her job and was fired. We love their new caseworker. The boys finally learned about us on October 16, and we met them on October 29. We have had them every weekend since and for all of the Thanksgiving break. I pick them up every Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday after school for the many activities we are involved in at our church. We are praying they are placed in our home this week or next. We haven't had any major problems with them so far, and they seem very accepting of us and very happy with us. Just tonight one of them said they were stuck with us. I said they didn't have to be and that they had a choice. The youngest said, "But we WANT to be stuck with you. You are the best stuck we've ever had." It made my heart melt. They are precious boys.
I say all of that to say that unless I am completely duped, these guys seem like normal teenagers with normal teenage emotions, feelings and issues. We are an experienced couple. We have already raised a child. Our only daughter is 18 and in college. We have been there, done that and have the skill set needed to raise these teenaged boys. Will there be challenges? Sure. Will we be able to handle them? Yep. But I do give a lot of the credit to having already raised a child and been very involved with her friends and the youth group and seeing all of the "drama" that teenagers can create. Parents of their own biological children go through a whole heap of junk with their own children. If they can get through it, so can we. That's how I have to look at it. I love these boys as if they were my own. I love every minute I get to spend with them, and I really look forward to homeschooling them once the adoption is complete. Thankfully, they are all for it.
Yes, I am completely new to adoption, but I am not a new parent. One of the most important things that has been told to me by several people who have been adopted is to love them. Show them you love them. Tell them you love them. Let them know when they get in trouble that you love them. I have also heard that it takes more than love. I can agree to an extent. It takes love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, self-control, gentleness, and faithfulness. But the greatest of these, in my opinion, is love. :love:
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It's going well!! The adoption was finalized April 5, and we moved to South Korea May 27. The boys are wonderful! We really couldn't be happier, and we are all enjoying a new culture. They fit right into our home, and we haven't had any problems with them at all. There are the typical teenage things, but really, if that is all we have to deal with, we are SUPER BLESSED! Thank you so much for asking!! I love my children so much and truly couldn't be happier. :D
Meggera
It's going well!! The adoption was finalized April 5, and we moved to South Korea May 27. The boys are wonderful! We really couldn't be happier, and we are all enjoying a new culture. They fit right into our home, and we haven't had any problems with them at all. There are the typical teenage things, but really, if that is all we have to deal with, we are SUPER BLESSED! Thank you so much for asking!! I love my children so much and truly couldn't be happier. :D