Are you happy?

PADJ, It is just so early in the reunion process. And, like you, I was wondering what she really wanted from that question. As you mentioned, I was wondering if she really wanted to know if she made the right decision. I don't want to make her feel guilty for something that was beyond her control. (This was back when biological mothers didn't get to pick the adoptive families.)

This is just something that occurred to me...what would be the harm in telling her that you're not certain you understand the question? That there's so much to be happy about, that being "happy" can cover so much territory...with work, the return on your 401k, your new carpet, you name it. Am I happy? About what? See what she says. Were I to guess, I'll bet money it's something along the lines of wanting to know if she did the right thing in placing you for adoption. If so, all you can do is be honest as about anything else will probably come across with that tinge of falseness. Best, PADJ

Thanks for the advice. All of her previous letters to me reference my "wonderful parents." I don't want to burst her bubble. As this is so early in the reunion, I feel like we are standing on the edge of a cliff, and one false move can send us reeling off that cliff. I fear that the truth may cause her to shut down. I am basically just procrastinating. I know that I have to give an honest answer (without making it too detailed), and I will just have to deal with whatever happens.

By "wonderful parents" is she referring to your a-parents, and the reality is not what she believes? If so, I'm sorry to hear that. Look at it this way, with the honesty you set the stage for whatever may ensue. If that bursts her bubble, she won't like hearing it and it may stir up more guilt feelings, but she has a right to hear it if you are willing to share it. One other thought, as far as feeling like one false move may send everything over the cliff, I don't think there's anything wrong with admitting that to her. "There's so much to say, I'm not sure where to start and I don't want anything to give you the wrong impression..." Hope it all works out well for you. Remember the board is here for questions, and for venting. :D Maybe some of the others will chime in with their thoughts as well. Some of the wisest things I've ever read on the adoption topic have been from subscribers to this site. Best, PADJ

One thing to remember is that you can take your time in reunion, and can let your birth mom know if a subject is too complex or difficult, and that you need more time with it. You can give her some very basic information if you do not want her to keep believing something that isn't true for you, without going into all the heavy details. My son asked me some difficult questions in our first phone call, and I told him it was very hard for me, and I asked if we could revisit that later. He was very understanding about it. I think it's important to be honest, but there is no need to be brutally honest, either. And you don't want to hit someone over the head with very difficult or painful details. I would think if my son did not have a good upbringing or if he did not have the parents I had hoped he would have, that he be honest with me, but I would need time to process the feelings that would come up before knowing more of the details. I think some of the details would be difficult and overwhelming to hear all at once. Just MHO. I feel after a year an a half of reunion, I have a much better foundation with my son and could explore more difficult topics should they come up. If it were early in our reunion, it would have been that much harder because we were both so vulnerable. I understand that you would not want your birth mom to continue having this idealized version of your aparents, so I think you will have to gently correct her on this and let her know your truth, but I think I would find a way to broach the subject slowly and in stages, so she can digest the information. How she reacts will be her emotions to cope with, and you shouldn't feel responsible for her reactions, however, I would be cognizant that you do have some control over the delivery. Good luck with this. I know it is not easy. And best wishes in your reunion.

Thanks for all of the comments. Just Peachy, It's odd. We are doing things at a slow pace but with great intensity. I asked her the difficult questions right away because I was afraid she was going to bolt. But, I am giving her plenty of time to answer them. Likewise, one of the first questions my mother asked is the most difficult for me to answer. So, it's a slow pace but with highly charged questions. Since she is answering my difficult questions, I feel that I have to answer hers. But, I agree. I am going to just give basic information without any details.

I haven't heard back from my mother since answering her "are you happy" question. I didn't go into much detail. I treaded lightly on the topic. Still--poof!--she's gone. I could handle pull back IF my mother would just tell me she needs time to think or would give me some type of explanation. But, to pull back and give me nothing but silence, that hurts deeply. The silent pull back was the one thing I dreaded about reunion. It is just so incredibly rude. When total strangers ignore me, I find it rude. When a related stranger ignores me, it is even worse. I realize that pull back can happen to birth mothers, too. But, I think there is an added layer of pain for adoptees. We were already "abandoned" once before.

I'm not going to defend your mother and it's a shame that she hasn't given you a reason for pulling back. All I can do is say how I felt when my son said something before he knew the truth to why he had been adopted. One of the first things he did was thank me for giving him up for adoption because he had had a good life. You can't believe how gut wrenchingly painful for me to hear and I came close to not contacting him again. It wasn't his fault as he wasn't to know it would upset me. He (and his adoptive parents) was given the lines that 'it was my choice, 'I wanted him to have two parents'. 'I didn't want to raise him as a single parent', 'I wanted him to have a better life' blah blah blah. The real reason he had been adopted was being I was bullied into surrendering and as I didn't know my rights I was a walkover. What happened to me is legally know as a forced adoption and is illegal in the UK.

I know that I probably said something. I just wish I knew what it was that I said. (I know that many mothers were coerced, so I never touted the adoption platitudes to her.) I was very cautious about how I worded things, and I tried to be as understanding as possible. I can only imagine what it is like to give up your child. I know that she is probably hurting, but it bothers me that I have to take the adult role, and I have to be understanding toward her, but she cannot meet me halfway. It's a mess, isn't it? We should be able to have misunderstandings and work through them. But, the relationship that should have existed has been permanently damaged due to adoption, and we will never have the ease of conversation that we could have had. I shouldn't have to walk on egg shells with my mother. I just hope she comes around eventually. (She's actually the one who mentioned in her first letter to me that she knows she did the right thing by giving me up for adoption. That cut like a knife, but I knew that it wasn't meant maliciously. I still stayed in contact with her. I didn't disappear. I wish she would give me the same courtesy.)

I am so sorry she vanished on you. I can't imagine anything that could make me do that to my child. But then I am with you people ignoring me makes me a touch psycho. Maybe you could try one more email, letter asking her to just give you something, even if it is a "I can't talk about this right now" or "I need some time to process what you told me" I imagine if she had a rainbow and butterfly vision of how you grew up and the reality turned out to be anything but rainbows and butterflies it might take a minute to adjust to the reality. But to just vanish is so not the way to deal with that readjustment. I would definitely try one more contact and leave the door open for her and know that if she doesn't respond that it isn't you that she is rejecting it is the shoulda, coulda, woulda's in her head that she can't come to terms with. If someone told me that my child, that I placed with love, because that was all I had to offer him was abused, unloved, neglected, hurt by the family that was supposed to want him and love him, I would be furious, but never at him. I would be mad at me, I would be mad at life, I would be mad at the family that failed that precious bundle of life that I had trusted them with and I would beat myself up daily because of it. I might even feel like I wasn't worth the love and understanding that he was offering me. I hope that she comes around and is able to forgive herself and be apart of your life! :-)

The really bad part about getting the silent pull back treatment is that there's no way to know what caused it. Was it something you said? Was it something you didn't say? Was it caused by something completely different and unrelated to you and adoption? There's literally no way to know, and if you're like me the guessing can become exhausting and borderline obsessive if it's not managed. I'm sorry that she vanished on you. Reading the other posts in this thread, it strikes me how easily one party can say something that is meant entirely positively only to have it cause the other party pain. Without knowing what made her decide to stop communicating it's very difficult to suggest a direction to follow. Right now there are two options I can think of, each with their own flaws: [LIST=1] [*]Do nothing...wait and hope that whatever the cause may be resolves itself and you hear from her again. [*]Send her another letter/email..."it's been X time since we last spoke. I hope everything is okay but I am very concerned that I may have done or said something painful to you. If so I apologize, and the waiting and wondering are painful for me too..." etc. The problem here is that even if you send this, you may very well end up back at option #1. [/LIST] I hope it all works out for you. Best, PADJ

Everyone, thank you for your advice and messages of support. I do hope that she will be able to communicate with me again in the future. I did write to her about my concern for her and to let her know that I am worried I said something wrong. We shall see if she responds. Thanks to all of you!

I just heard back from my mom. She obviously just needed some time to sort things out. . . . Apparently, my fears of having said something wrong were unfounded. Thanks to everyone who commented. I really needed your support.

That's good news :grouphug: reunion is a bumpy road to walk

That's good news :grouphug: reunion is a bumpy road to walk