Respite for the RAD child

March 30, 2012

Just posing a question out there. Another family has requested respite for their child that is diagnosed with (at least what I know of, RAD).

The tantrums, fighting, kicking, punching screaming have just gotten them to a point where they need a (much deserved) break.

I know that kids go into the honeymoon period - and will probably be in the honeymoon all weekend.

I would just love to lessen or at least not encourage the "all attention" is on me craving that she has ingrained in her. Thing is, it's just my husband and me, so there's really no other regular distractions or someone to share the attention.

Any thoughts on those of you who have had a child in your care in the past and just WOULDN'T want the respite parents to do because that would spoil them and maybe cause more problematic behaviors once they return?

I want to give mom a break and hopefully not set her up for the same or worse come Sunday night because of something I could have easily avoided.

Thanks for your thoughts!

Howdy

March 30, 2012

justasmile

...I would just love to lessen or at least not encourage the "all attention" is on me craving that she has ingrained in her. ...

I never had any real respite for my daughter, but when things were too out of control between us she would stay with friends and that turned out to be a way to get good respite (and free too!).

I would not have any problem with parents who gave her lots of attention and were emotionally supportive for her. She needs lots and lots of appreciation because she doesn't think she has any value.

There have been a couple times when it caused a lot more problem behaviors. Each of the two times involved a mom of a "best friend" that she had stayed with many times. I can't say for sure why those moms caused worsening of my daughter's behavior, but my impression is that these moms were misled (by my daughter) into thinking I was the problem and somehow encouraged my daughter to do things she was not allowed to do, which resulted in her becoming defiant to the point of being out of control.

With one of the moms, it got to the point that every time I'd pick my daughter up from that house I'd wind up having to drive straight off to the police station and stay there until my daughter could get herself under control.

I think you will be okay giving the child as much attention as they want as long as you also reassure them that their mom is a good mom/trustworthy mom/loves them, etc.

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alys1

March 31, 2012

Why not google " respite care for RAD children " and see what you find, then read up?

Parenting RAD children *effectively* contains many elements that are "backwards" or "opposite" from parenting "normal-ish" children. It would be best if you could learn about those and use them.

You could also ask the parents, what parameters are important to them that you follow? Or you could point them to a couple of different lists online, and ask them which one do they want you to use?

I can tell you that when I was parenting RAD, there were "babysitters / respite providers" I crossed off my list after getting the child back. Worst were ppl who treated the child as "king for the day" and tried to give them a "wonderful time" by doing "special" things for them, every minute the child was with them. WHOO was that disastrous. Bad were ppl who let the RAD child abuse their children (or them), and just blew it off. Ugh!

Good were people who were kind but firm, and set reasonable limits. For instance, I tipped them that he liked to throw the entire household into chaos by refusing to go to sleep, screaming, yelling, kicking, whatever it took. One couple "got it", they believed me, experienced FPs. I told them to clear breakables, things they liked, from his room before he got there. Then... don't cater to him, don't try to let him stay up another half-hour thinking it will help. I'd been there, tried it ALL. It *would* take him 30-45 mins to fall asleep. So when he started screaming first night, dad went in once, calmly told him they were in the living room so he was safe, but he needed to be quiet and go to sleep.

The next morning the child said that "The baby screaming had made it so he couldn't go to sleep." Erm, yeah, it was the opposite. When RAD child tried to whomp on mom/baby, dad just lifted him in the air and took him out of the room. Oops! He wasn't able to continue hitting, nor did he stop the positive interaction between mom/baby, NOR was he yelled at. Just stopped.

It's *imperative* that the RAD child not run the household, that's what they reach for, desperately, whether by riling everyone up, or more blatant control measures. At any rate, you could do this family a great service by reading up a bit, or asking them for verbal or written tips. Hope this helps.

Links:

[url=http://sites.google.com/site/ontarioradfamilies/Home/what-respite-is]What Respite Is and Is Not - Ontario RAD Families[/url]

RAD FAQ -- might help understand the child's situation, where came from, why is so bad:

[url=http://www.olderchildadoption.com/reactive-attachment-disorder-faq]Reactive Attachment Disorder FAQ | Older Child Adoption[/url]

Give me some examples of how RAD develops

A baby cries and cries and no one comes. A baby has a wet diaper, and it isn’t changed for hours. No one smiles at the baby. The baby learns to feel unworthy of love.

A baby is generally ignored and is only able to get attention through extreme misbehaviors or by being overly cute.

Because the primary parent mistreats the child, she assumes that all caregivers are inherently mean.

No one cares for the baby’s basic needs. The baby doesn’t trust anyone.

Sometimes when the baby cries she’s ignored. Sometimes when she cries, someone yells at her. Sometimes when she cries, someone gives her a bottle. Sometimes when she cries, some one smiles and rocks her. She does not learn proper cause and effect.

alys1

March 31, 2012

And this might help your friends, if they've not seen it. Especially the part about Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's stages of grief, and how they apply to parents of RAD children: