How often do you send letters to your child?

Hi, I am an adoptive mommy and just wanted to respond with what we have experienced. We have adopted twice and our boys' have different birthmoms. Both adoptions started off as very open, but they look very different now. Son #1 - Prior to placement, we spoke to his birthmom every day, several times/day for 4-5 days. And at placement, she gave us some little presents for him, along with a letter she wrote (for him - although she asked us to read it as well). AFter placement, we were sending her letters, photos, cards, text messages frequently, but her contact was much more limited. When we did get a card or letter form her, it was very nice. but we only got a couple. Our son is almost 4 years old now and even though we continue to send her things, we haven't heard form her in over a year. We know she has a lot going on and is struggling with some health issues etc. We hope to hear from her more in the future. Son #2 - This adoption has remained very open with a lot of contact and visits. He is almost 2. However, she hasn't yet wrote him a letter or a card or anything. She gives presents to both our boys and loves hearing about them, getting pics and visiting, but I would LOVE to have her write a letter, as our oldest birthmom did, sorta explaining what she wnats for him etc. I know I am not really answering your question, but from an adoptive mom's perspective, I would LOVE if our sons' birthmoms would send them letters and or/cards....something they can look back on and cherish.

I'm in an open adoption, but am very new to this, <7 months may 3rd> I haven't written a letter, note or card to littleman or his parents. We live about thirty minutes apart and have averaged about one visit every two months. We communicate via text, calls and facebook. They usually initiate contact, although they have not made me feel like I can't and the few times I reached out first, they always have responded. I guess after hearing horror stories about adoptions closing with no reason and no warning, I am terrified that I will do or say something that will upset them and that will be that, even though they have never done or said anything to make me feel that way. I am worried if left to my own timeline.... I guess...I would bug the snot out of them and they would get tired of hearing from me and or me asking them to let me visit, and I know that they need time to gel into a family of four after having thought that they might never get there. His a-mom generally sends me between three to six pictures a month via text and she seems to have an uncanny ability to do so when I really "need" it the worst. She also posts pictures on facebook and has sent me links to professional photos that I could order if I wanted to. She will text me funny things that he has done, or tell me stories of things that have happened that were cute. She has called once or twice to ask medical type questions, due to issues that he is having. So far the arrangement seems to work, I don't know if they want me to contact them more often, but they better watch out if they ever ask me too, cause I could see myself being all about everyday..."whats he doing, how are things, where'd you all go this weekend....etc" :-) But right now...when I get those urges I just breathe and they pass. :-)

After my daughter was adopted (at 2 months), I wrote a letter to the parents, and I tried writing a letter every year on her birthday. I did not know what to say in those letters, as she was just a baby, I was fairly young myself, and I had a hard time keeping the sorrow I was feeling out of the letters. A lot of "I'm sorrys" is what I remember from those letters. The parents would usually answer my letters one for one, usually with a picture of my daughter, but with very little content of what was going on with her. The father never wrote, and that has always bothered me. I stopped writing for about 13 years, as I was trying to put my life back together and "move on", which is something they tell birthparents to do a lot. After getting married, and having 2 more kids that I have raised, I had a very real sense of the value of what I had given up, and I started writing again. My daughter was an adult (18), so I felt it was easier to write to her at this age. I wrote a lot, and I wrote frequently sometimes 3 letters per year. After four years, I stopped again. I received one letter from the parents, which was a nice letter, but that was it. I have no idea why they stopped writing. I wish they had said something like "these letters are causing some distress in our family, and we're not really open to continuing this discourse at this time..." because I could understand that, and I would have respected that. I don't appreciate having to infer what people might be thinking or feeling, and would just prefer the honest approach. I feel that is more respectful than just ignoring someone completely. I think the ideal way of communicating back and forth is for one side or the other to say, "I'm interested in staying in touch, and I'd like to contact you (x) times a year. I'm interested in any activities about the child, but understand that I can't know everything, and some activities you may not want to share. Those activities I won't share are this, that, etc. Pictures are great! Feel free to send or request what interests you. If anything in the content of the letter disturbs you, please let me know. That was not my intent, and I need to know if boundaries have been crossed." This type of honest communication will probably yield the best results from my perspective. I hope this is useful feedback.