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My eldest son Stanley is 10 years old and adopted from Haiti. He is very dark skinned and is currently going through a very racially/ethnically focused stage. He is a fairly quiet boy and his best friend at school is an AA boy called Devawn; Stanley adores Dev and they are never apart at school.
My youngest son Adedayo is half Nigerian but is relatively pale skinned. Dev told Stanley that Adedayo is too light skinned to be "black" and that light skinned people had it easy. This boy told Stanley that he shouldn't get attached to his little brother because they will live in different worlds. He also said that Adedayo needs to change his name because "white boys shouldn't have black boy's names". These are only the most recent comments Dev has said, there has been quite a few offensive things said about white people, hispanic people and light-skinned african-americans. Most of them were along the lines of "white people think they are better than everyone else" and such.
Stanley said that he didn't agree with what Dev said but I know that he can be easily lead and he sees Dev as a big brother. I talked to Stanley about it and he just says that he doesn't want to talk about it and that Dev is his best friend.
I spoke to the school regarding this and they said that my only option was to formally request that Stanley be placed in a different class. I think that this is a pretty drastic step but I don't want him to be hearing these sorts of things. Dev isn't allowed at our house any more because of comments he made and so they don't see each other outside school at all. Stanley has a few other friends outside school but he spends all of his time at school with Dev.
Any advice welcome, I really don't know what to do about this. Stanley seems to be pretty vulnerable right now and I don't want him to grow up thinking all the things that Dev says are true.
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The reality is those thoughts and prejudices are part of some circles of thought, just like thoughts and prejudices are part of every group. Your son needs other male, black role models speaking different things to him. More friends, people from church, a Big Brother, a coach. Even if they are SPECIFICALLY asked to talk about those things -- your son needs to be exposed to different ideas, and also understand WHY Some people think like that. He is at an age where he can understand historical racism, and the generational pain that has caused -- and then what we can do about it in the future.
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Jensboys
The reality is those thoughts and prejudices are part of some circles of thought, just like thoughts and prejudices are part of every group.
Your son needs other male, black role models speaking different things to him. More friends, people from church, a Big Brother, a coach. Even if they are SPECIFICALLY asked to talk about those things -- your son needs to be exposed to different ideas, and also understand WHY Some people think like that. He is at an age where he can understand historical racism, and the generational pain that has caused -- and then what we can do about it in the future.
I don't think you can protect your son from those thoughts, nor necessarily do you want to. He is at the age where he can begin to be equipped to be challenged in what he believes (all people are equal, race doesn't determine value, what racism is, who his family is) and how to defend those beliefs. Frank discussions about racism and prejudices (from all sides) are necessary, and I agree that hearing it from other sources, especially in positive ways would be a wonderful thing. I am so incredibly grateful for the men that stepped into those roles with my sons when I needed them to (white, black, other minorities). That support system has been a life saver.
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I can see that this is a legitimate thing to be concerned about, but I question whether barring Dev from your home is the right thing to do. If he were welcome at your home, I would think you would have opportunities to influence him and make him see things differently. I don't know where he gets those ideas, but kids in that age group can get confused about things easily, and also can be easily influenced by others. Maybe Dev hears things like that at home, but he might have just gotten it from the media, too. Or, it might be a phase that won't last long. If he was welcome in your home, your son might be happier, and it would give dev a chance to see another side of things. Just my thoughts. Good luck. There are SO many issues we deal with as parents and it can sure be hard to know what to do.
I haven't met his dad but his mother definitely gives him these ideas. The first time we met she made some fairly offensive comments about me (not full AA) raising an AA child. The central reason Dev is not allowed in the house is because the language he used around and towards our younger children. But his mother doesn't want him at our house either.
Momma-Emme
I haven't met his dad but his mother definitely gives him these ideas. The first time we met she made some fairly offensive comments about me (not full AA) raising an AA child.
The central reason Dev is not allowed in the house is because the language he used around and towards our younger children. But his mother doesn't want him at our house either.
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