Mother's Day

I think you should understand that there is nothing you can do as an adoptive mom to minimize the pain your child’s mother of origin might feel from the loss of her child on Mother’s Day. Some of us feel the loss horribly on Mother’s Day and other’s do not. I swing back and forth from year-to-year. I say this not to heap guilt on you; you can’t control her pain. But since you asked…It took me a long time to understand this and while it doesn’t necessarily hurt me or cause me angst, I do think of people differently when they use the word “birthmother” (worse yet, “our” birthmother), all in one word. Imagine being referred to as “adoptivemother” everywhere. Like you can’t get away from it… The term birthmother for many (birth/first/biological/original-mothers) relegates their role in their child’s life to the act of giving birth. The nine months spent growing my son was not just about the birthing process. I LOVED him. I sang to him, horribly off-key, but I sang. I read to him. I recited Shakespeare’s, The Merchant of Venice, acting out each part. I talked to him about choosing a religion and not getting scammed. I talked to him about the things that “make a real man”, like the courage it takes standing up to people and responsibility. We painted together and while I painted I talked to him about the beauty of nature, people who are different, punk rock, heavy metal and…I might have lied once or twice and told him that (this will age me) Kevin Costner was his dad…but he knew I was joking. But I’m rambling and if you thought that was bad, I just deleted several paragraphs of more! And, please don’t do the whole “thank you for choosing to give him life”, bit. Most of us gag over that. Here’s the thing, you ask 20 people in the same situation, you’ll get 20 answers. For me a simple, “thinking of you today” would have been lovely. Good luck. Happy Mother’s Day

For me nothing can really make it worse but what makes it just a little better is my sons Aparents send me flowers and a card every birthmothers day It makes me feel important to them.

I agree with Paige. You can't do anything to ease her pain. I frickin hate Mother's day. It just reminds me of all that I had lost. I used to either work or plant my flowers all weekend of Mother's day to keep myself too busy and too tired to think about it. Now that I have W and the rest of the world finally acknowledges that I am a mom, I still hate Mother's day. I usually send W's first mom a note that says "Thinking of you today." I know there is nothing else I can do or say to make that day any easier for her.

Mother's day and all of the other days in the life of people who were separated by adoption are confusing. I don't know how to make it better. If it makes you feel better...Happy Mother's day from all of the people who don't know who their mother's are and from one who does but the mother isn't ready to hear it.

thank you guys. I agree "thinking of you" seems the most appropriate and caring.

Same thing you say to all Mother's because I am a Mother too. Happy Mother's Day.