Finding it hard to breath...

Not sure if I can make this a short story...Dh and I were approached last October to meet with a BM that was due in January, we would be the third potential adoptive parents for various reasons. 2011 had already been a very emotion year for us, 2 failed IVF's then a spontaneous "natural" pregnancy that ended in Miscarriage at 12 weeks just one month before this phone call...Although all our friends, family and medical teams have always said, "there is always adoption" that annoyed the heck out of me DH and I were not interested in adoption mostly for the reasons we are facing every day now. I thought that adoption would mean that I accepted failure and I had been defeated (strange since even my own father was adopted and I had witnessed the very natural and loving relationship he had with his adoptive family??). Even going to Dr. appt with BM and meeting with Attorney's I was still unsure how I felt emotionally. It was not until I got the call 7 weeks early that she was at L&D and looking at emer C-section. We had meet with BF a few days after meeting with BM and he even told our attorney that we were suitable "candidates". BM had not had contact with BF since a few months prior...an injunction was in place and charges pending for his attack on her. Zeke was born at 33 weeks under very extreme and critical conditions. We were lucky our NICU was so understanding and that the attorney was very pro-active and had already pre-regestered us, we were able to be with him. He was released 2 weeks later. During this time, approx 10 days after he was born we heard that BF was contesting. We had decided that if this were to ever happen that we would always do what was best for the Child not putting our "selfish" actions in place. I grew up in courts through a very emotional custody battle and swore that I would never do that....well we knew of the pending felony charges and when BM found out about he was contesting she freaked out crying shaking etc and saying that there is NO way a child let alone a baby is safe with him. She went into detail about BF's mental disability, abuse, past DUI and alcoholism ETC...I felt myself literally transforming into MAMA Bear mode determined to protect this baby!! BM constantly begs us to fight and do everything we can to make sure that he does not get custody. Our TPR hearing is not until Aug. 22 Zeke will be just 9 months old, we have a team of 3 attorneys that are the best in the State of Florida but I still find it hard to breath when this beautiful baby boy has been fighting since birth and looks at me for every leap and bound he has overcame since being in our care. There is no doubt that we must do what is the best for him and sometimes I don't trust myself....example tonight I am too much of a wreck to be in his nursery, his daddy is rocking and holding him tight we just read over his Deposition Notes and the lies he is portraying. Sometimes I put myself in protection mode that I cannot Love him anymore. Thank u for taking the time to read....