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I hope someone can help me with this!!! When I turned 21, I received my records and at the age of 22 I finally found my birthmother. The thing is that my birthmother had me when she was 14 and ended up as a drug addict and is now in jail. She wants mail contact with me and I am just not sure HOW I feel about that. I have a relationship with my half sisters and we do have the same mother.
Here is the problem. I found my birthfather like a year after I found my maternal birthfamily. He has wanted an active relationship with me as in calling him every other day and having an active relationship with his family. I am not sure HOW to do this or if I even want to. Recently, we had an argument because he wanted me to make one decision and I made a different one. I just don't know how to have a relationship with my birthfamily.... and how to include my children and my husband in the relationship. Help!!!
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I'm so sorry that you found your first mom in that situation. Not easy to say the least. The sad reality is that many first parents are emotionally damaged and 'self medicating'.
It's tough because you were the one who sought them out. I can understand how your first father would assume that you want an ongoing relationship and is very excited to get to know you. It's ok to set a boundary with him and let him know that you want to go slow.
What are your expectations? What do you want from the relationships? Why did you seek them out? Are you able to determine what you're feeling? Sad, angry, love, shame, etc. and why?
Have you read the Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier or Adoption Healing...a path to recovery by Joe Soll? You are not alone and there is a way to safely navigate this reunion 'roller coaster' but it will take work. There will be pain but the potential for personal growth is amazing!
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ProudMommyof3
I hope someone can help me with this!!! When I turned 21, I received my records and at the age of 22 I finally found my birthmother. The thing is that my birthmother had me when she was 14 and ended up as a drug addict and is now in jail. She wants mail contact with me and I am just not sure HOW I feel about that. I have a relationship with my half sisters and we do have the same mother.
Here is the problem. I found my birthfather like a year after I found my maternal birthfamily. He has wanted an active relationship with me as in calling him every other day and having an active relationship with his family. I am not sure HOW to do this or if I even want to. Recently, we had an argument because he wanted me to make one decision and I made a different one. I just don't know how to have a relationship with my birthfamily.... and how to include my children and my husband in the relationship. Help!!!
The thing that struck me about your post is that at least twice in two paragraphs you mentioned that you aren't sure how you feel about various aspects of getting back in contact with your b-family. The only person who can answer how to feel about having mail contact with your b-mom, or having a relationship with your b-father, is you. That is definitely a first step. There's an old saying something like "if you don't know where you're going, you won't know when you arrive"...or something like that.
Beyond that, remember that your husband and children are your future, while your b-parents are your past. That does not mean that you can't build relationships with either or both of your b-parents. In my case, I recently had to evaluate how events had unfolded, or failed to do so, and decided to extend an invitation of sorts to my b-mom to the future. I know I can never go back and reinvent the past, that even if I was invited to all the family gatherings and so on that my relationship with them would be fundamentally different from what they all have together. But I asked her to be part of my future, along with my wife and kids. I'm still waiting on her response, so time may tell.
Lastly, keep in mind that from what you've described you are still in the driver seat. You don't have to have a relationship with anyone, and there's nothing that says you can't. Be honest...with them and with yourself.
Best,
PADJ
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