Advertisements
Advertisements
We have a pre adoptive placement with three children, T (11), C (6), and E (4). Their situation has continued as it has been so far... T and C have bonded somewhat in appropriate ways and appear to be doing well, while E's behaviors get worse each day.
Previously we were told that we must adopt all three or they would go elsewhere, but yesterday our SW told us that the higher ups agreed to splitting the children into separate homes. She asked what arrangement we thought would work best (although I don't think we get legal say), and I told her honestly, that C and T seem to do well together, but E is much worse off with T and probably would do better away from C as well. She agreed from the incidents we have reported that E's behavior is extreme and clearly iniciated by T moving in to the home she already lived in. She intends to request that the separation occur.
I don't get to make that decision. But I am left with immense guilt for everything. Is it really best that these kids be separated? Will I end up having to choose which kids I want to keep in my home, and who I am disrupting? I don't know how much more I can tolerate parenting E... She is more severely hurt than any child I have ever known. She has killed small animals and injured pets, stabbed people with knives, and attempted to start fires-EXTREME and CONSTANT behavior... And she is only 4! I am at a loss as to how to help my baby girl... Any advice appreciated
Like
Share
I'm so sorry for what you are going through!
Ideally I'm a big supporter of siblings staying together and don't think there's very many situations where I would support a split. HOWEVER...when a sibling is harmful to themselves or others and they cannot heal, then I do think it's best to split them. If the only chance each child has to truly heal from their trauma and be 'successful" in a family unit is to be an only child or siblings to be away from an abuser, then I do think that's the right decision. Might not be the perfect decision...but it's the right one.
From what you are saying about your 4 year old, I think she'd do best as an only child with experienced parents who can devote themselves to her healing process. If she is going to have a chance in life, she needs a very strong therapeutic family. Whether or not that is your family is something only you/family can decide.
I can only imagine what a difficult position you are in!
Like
Share
Advertisements
conventional wisdom says to keep the sibs together.
yours is not a conventional situation.
i'm with Crick. if the only chance for healing is through splitting the kids, then it must be done--not just for the 4 year old, but for the others as well.
my oldest son has bipolar. my older daughters and younger son are neuro-typical. i have extreme amounts of guilt over the time i didn't spend with them because i was managing Sonny's behaviors and trying to keep everyone safe. their relationships have suffered. these are my bio kids. we did what we had to do. and looking back, if i had had Sonny first, we would not have had other kids. it was just so hard.
feeling bad about this is normal. but the guilt isn't yours. by advocating for the separation, you are only doing what you believe is best for all of the kids. be gentle with yourself--and the kids. i really pray that this turns out well for all of you.
Like
Share
It seems like the older two are a better fit for your family. And honestly the younger one will be easier to place in a new home than her brothers (female, single child, under 5).
You have to do what feels best for these kids and your family. If that means seperating the siblings, then the sooner it can be done, the better it will be for everybody concerned. Hopefully the kids can have some ongoing contact once everyone is settled in.
Like
Share
I am so sorry that you are in this situation. It sounds to me like a split would be the best thing for you and for the children
My three children have between them at least 16 siblings. My younger two (who are biologically half siblings) could have more half siblings out there that I don't know exist
My oldest daughter was taken into care along with some younger siblings (she was the oldest). She was placed with one sister, closest in age to her, but it failed because together their needs were too great for the foster parents to handle. DD was moved to a new foster home
It has been very hard for her to be seperated from her siblings, especially from that sister, as DD provided a lot of care for her sister when they lived with their bios, and then she was with her in foster care as well. HOWEVER, it was the best thing, and as painful as it has been, DD would tell you it was for the best
You have to protect everyone, and moving your 4 year old seems the best way. She needs to be an only child with her issues, just as DD needed to be
I appreciate that you must feel very guilty, but you have nothing to be guilty for. Be kind to yourself at this time
Like
Share
In some cases, splitting up the 'sibs' is the best thing for all. We know of a situation where the sibs were adopted together; had always been together for a few years (one from birth). The prior fmother/father suggested a separation, even though they, themselves didn't want to adopt either one.
The adopting family went with the suggestion of the agency to keep the two together. It was a very bad mistake.
Years down the road, the adoptive family would tell you it would have been best to have separated the two early on. Both would have had a much better chance to 'become normal'. Under the circumstances, it further messed up both of them.
Sad, but true.
Don't feel guilty about this. The damage done to these children WAS NOT your FAULT. You have been given wonderful children who've been through trauma you didn't inflict; yet you're expected to solve it all by being a family.
Sometimes, kids just can't be in traditional families because the damage is far too extensive. They need to be separated for their good----AND the good of the 4yr old.
You're doing the right thing to consider that separation needs to take place.
Sincerely,
Linny
Like
Share
Advertisements
Our "Littles (3,4,5 at the time)" have three older sisters who CPS wanted to keep together originally. The three older sisters(8,10,11 at the time) had such abuse that they needed to be split off from the get go. CPS tried to hold the six together but came to the conclusion that it was best to split them up. The split was 3/3. The two older sisters began to prey on the on the youngest sister and she was separated out for adoption. Our oldest little came with very disturbing behaviors as well and we almost disrupted her from our group. The end result to the sibling pack was the two oldest sisters opting to age out and never get adopted, single sister doing awesome as an only child, and our littles staying with us forever.
Sometimes they (CPS) need to look at alternatives and what is really best for the children rather than let's glue these kids together no matter what. (Just my opinion from our experiences)
Good luck with the transition, it's hard to wrap your head around this and not feel guilty. Prayers and hugs coming your way.
Like
Share