Defined "failed"

How things work depends on the agency. The agency I worked with pays for emom expenses, but some agencies the expenses are paid by the PAPs. In terms of telling PAPs you are unsure - again, how things work depends on the agency. The agency I worked with doesn't match emoms with PAPs until the third trimester, after the emom has had counseling and the opportunity to consider her decision and is "sure". That doesn't mean that no one changes their mind, and I was very aware that could happen. You always have the right to change your mind, and I would run fast and far from any family or agency who tries to pressure or guilt anyone into going through with a plan she is uncomfortable with. The PAPs happiness is not your responsibility. I would be uncomfortable matching with someone (especially if I were paying the expenses) who was not certain at that point. I know that an emom could change her mind at any point, but I would probably feel somewhat used if I found out that she was never certain even when we matched. So I guess, yes I would want to know, and yes it would probably keep me from agreeing to the match. In terms of "scamming" - if you are planning on going through with an adoption plan and change your mind, you are not scamming anyone, regardless of who pays the expenses. If you aren't planning on going through with it, or you aren't sure and you don't tell the PAPs so that they can take that into consideration, then it does seem unfair to accept money for expenses. It sounds like you have a lot to deal with right now, and I would suggest starting by getting some counseling. You can work with an agency, which should be providing counseling free of charge. Some agencies provide other services (including parenting services), so their whole focus is not on adoption. Counseling can help you to come to a more clear decision of what is going to be the best for you.

Thank you for your honest advice- I realize I'd need to be honest with a potential adoptive family, even though that might make them nervous. And I'd need to look for an agency that does not make the adoptive family pay for things up-front or has a loss policy....and not accept fin. gifts or aid unless I am pretty sure I want to go through it.

Having adopted a lot of times, here are my two-cents: Don't decide *completely* whether you want to release your baby for adoption or not----UNTIL your baby is born and you've taken the time to fully consider adoption OR any other options. Don't 'match' with anyone. Tell any agency that you're open to having counseling and such and that counseling SHOULD include giving you other options if you decide to parent your baby. (WIC, housing assistance, etc if they're available). IF...and I repeat...IF you should choose to release the baby for adoption.....THEN tell the attorney/agency you want to do so and THEN can choose a family for your baby. There's absolutely NOTHING wrong with making any adoption plan AFTER you've had your baby...though some attorneys/agencies may tell you otherwise. If you would choose to decide after you've given birth, there would be no expenses like you've listed from the adoptive family. In this way, if you changed your mind, no one is out anything. (And yes, either the agency or the hopeful adoptive folks are out of $$$$$ if you chose to change your mind.) IMO, if you're only worried about parenting because of financial needs, contact your local human services division and they can help you in this direction. (To me, finances are more temporary....releasing for adoption is permanent.) There will be no 'co-parenting' and no, you can't 'have it all' as some agencies/attorneys may try to tell you. (Not raising your baby, yet having input into the baby's life post-adoption.) Releasing your baby for adoption is just that....you are no longer the parent...you are no longer the 'momma'......someone else is that and will more than likely be seen as 'the momma' forever. Yes, you'll be a birthmom, or firstmom, or whatever term someone else wants to apply......but you'll not be 'the momma' to your baby if you should choose to release for adoption. And I say that, because--while my family is passionate about adoption, I also believe birthmoms/birthdads should be well informed about what their options are and what adoption really is. I wish you well...but I'd strongly encourage you to NOT decide whether you want to release for adoption or not UNTIL you've given birth to your baby and can take your time to fully consider what it will mean and what your other options may be. Good luck. Sincerely, Linny

I think you need to differentiate between a "failed adoption" and a "failed match". A match is made between an expectant mom (considering adoption) and an prospective adoptive family. If the mom chooses to parent, she parents and the "match" fails -- or in fact simply doesn't work out. A "failed adoption" is when a child is placed in the home and for whatever reason the adoption falls apart. This usually happens with older kids when the special needs are too extreme for what the adoptive parents can handle. From your perspective, if you feel being matched might place too much pressure on you -- DO NOT MATCH until after the baby is born, and you are firm in your decision to place. Heck, you could even have read profiles before hand so you have an idea of what "type" of family you were looking for but still not match unless you decide to choose adoption after your baby is born. There is PLENTY of time to establish a relationship post birth if that works best for you, plus, you can use cradle care if you need to, or take the baby home for a week or two while you figure things out. There is NO time limit for choosing adoption, but once it is chosen you can change it back --- so take all the time you need to make the best decision you can for both you and baby. If you are concerned about how they will treat you, choose a family already parenting an adopted child who is willing to allow you to communicate with the bio parents of that child so you can see how they have treated her (or them if bio dad is involved). There are many things you can do to mitigate the risks to yourself and your baby -- and ultimately, you are under NO pressure by anyone to make any decision on anyone else's time frame.

See, i think looking on-line i got tricked into the mind-set that everyone wants a "new" baby-like, right after birth, so the family needs to be chosen way ahead of time. I did not consider that I could wait. Although...I know adoptions take long to process, so I don't have infinite time, either.

You have an infinite amount of time. A home study ready family can accept a placement immediately, even if the legalities take longer to complete. There is no time limit on adoption, and although there might be fewer families open to adopting an older infant, the options will still be plentiful. My adopted children came to me at 8 weeks, 13 months, age 3 and age 4. In our situations, their parents tried to parent and failed to do so in a safe manner. But I also personally know a few mothers that parented their children for either a few weeks, or in one case several months, before deciding on adoption. Their children did not suffer any abuse or neglect -- but for whatever personal reasons, they were unable (or unwilling) to continue parenting. I also know of several women that considered adoption while pregnant and discarded that consideration once their child was born :) You are not tied to anyone else's experience. It is a decision that cannot be undone, so it is best to give it all the time and thought you need to.

Even if you wait until after your child is born to choose a family, that doesn't mean that it will take a significant amount of time for the placement to happen. My son's bparents chose me a few days after he was born, and I picked him up two days later (we were on opposite sides of the country and it took a little while to get a flight). I still feel like C was "a 'new' baby." Would I have liked to be there for every moment of his life? Absolutely. But he was well-cared-for in cradle care and his bparents got to consider their decision after he was born. The first few days of his life are so minor compared to the rest of it. If a PAP is not comfortable with waiting for you to make your decision it's their loss. I also wouldn't feel badly about accepting financial assistance from the agency while making a decision. Yes, they will be out money if you decide to parent, but that is the way they have chosen to work and if you are upfront about not having made your decision yet then they have the opportunity to make an informed choice about whether or not to assist you.

I used an agency where the agency paid the emom expenses with no risk to the paps. I would have LOVED a baby born situation where I got a call and they said "come pick up your baby!" I wouldn't have cared if it was two days, two weeks, two months Or two years. Like PPs have said, you do not have to pre-match. Take your time, and make your decision when it's right for you. And if you choose to place, there are MANY paps out there who would be honored to be chosen by you, no matter when...All that said,we DID match with a family that was up front with us that the expectant father was unsure (emom and dad were married.) we went ahead with the match because it was short (just four weeks) so not a big time commitment if they decided to parent. They DID decide to parent and while we were sad, I don't consider it a "failed match." it didn't go as we'd planned, but it worked out just as it was supposed to...and that little girl has a mom and dad who love her and two older siblings who I'm sure dote on her. I hope they never felt bad about our sadness. We have no ill feelings toward them. How could we fault them for wanting to raise their daughter? In adoption, there is always going to be sadness, whether it's the paps who fell in love with a baby (or in our case, the idea of a baby) that doesn't come to them or the birthmom who grieves the baby she placed or the adoptee who wonders what might have been. You just have to make the decision that is best for your baby and you. We have the most remarkable son who is perfect for our family. People cannot believe how much he looks like my DH. If the first family had not chosen to parent,we wouldn't have our son and we wouldn't have been matched with his mom who is just an hour away making it so much easier to have an open adoption. Good luck to you.

It is great that you are considering all your options! We have experienced a "failed match" where the emom decided she "needed" more expenses even though she could not prove her claims. She lived with her family and was on Medicaid so we were paying her some living expenses. Anyway, a couple of weeks before the due it all fell apart because she told the case worker she had to take care of herself financially. We were no longer comfortable with the situation and were out thousands of dollars, nit to mention the emotional investment we had made in the relationship. Our second adoption is currently being contested by the father. If he decides to parent this would be considered a "failed adoption" because we have had the baby since birth, almost four months now. We are not angry with anyone. If the father choses to parent we completely understand and hope he does so the best he can and with much love. We will miss our little girl greatly but we knew this was a risk when we decided to adopt. We will, once again, be out thousands but I try not to think about the money and appreciate the experience for what they have to teach me. I think you should talk with a counselor on a regular basis and make sure you know all your options. It is completely your choice to parent or not. Most AP respect that right and if they don't, run! Like others have said, if you are worried about money there are ways to get help. Adoption is permanent and you need to be very comfortable with your decision. Good luck with whatever decision you make.