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Hello!I'm hoping for advice on a request I am unsure how to handle. Here are the main details of our situation: we are new foster-to-adopt parents with our first placement, a one-year old boy that we've had three months. He was taken into care at birth and only had one foster family before us, so they had him for nine months. They only foster (have done many), so they never intended to adopt, and they were the ones that said it was time to move him to a fost-adopt family when his case seemed to be moving toward adoption because they worried they, and he, were getting too attached. They truly were wonderful parents to him, are lovely people, etc. so I feel bad for having such mixed feelings on this, but they asked if the prior foster mom could have some private visit time with him, like scheduling days to pick him up and take him for the day alone, and then bring him back... and my gut instinct response is no. I'm worried about confusing him while we are still working on bonding with him, and we've opened our home for them to visit with him here if they wish, but she hasn't taken much of an interest in that. I am trying to think through her side of this situation, and I know it must be very awkward to want to spend time with him and having his "new" mom there might be uncomfortable... but I feel like his need for bonding and adjustment trumps her grief at the moment, despite how sad I am for her that she is having such a tough time letting go of this little guy. :(I invited them to his birthday party, but mom didn't come at the last minute with a shaky excuse after saying she'd definitely be there, so I think she was emotional, didn't think she could handle it, and made the choice to stay away (which I appreciate). Former foster Dad did come anyway, as did a daughter, and he was pretty emotional himself that the baby seemed indifferent to him. He was mostly appropriate, but made a comment or two that were not okay, like referring to himself as Dad a few times without making the expected deference to us as the current mom and dad, and speaking to several of our guests (none of whom knew him) about how difficult it was to not be remembered by a child you nurtured and put to bed every night for nine months... Luckily, there were quite a lot of guests, and the awkwardness didn't taint the party overall.I feel for them. I genuinely do, and I find myself wanting to help in their process of moving forward (they raised my son for nine months! It's the least I can do!), but I'm super uncomfortable with him being taken from the house alone with this emotional vibe I'm getting off both of them. There is no flight-risk involved. I know she'd return him. I've just never been on their side of the equation, so I can't see this from their shoes.Am I being too protective? Paranoid? Insecure?Thanks so much for reading, and for any responses!
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I agree with you. I think it may be confusing to him. YOU are mom and Dad now. I would be open to visits in my home as well, and if they really wanted to see him, they would take advantage of it.
Surely if they are seasoned foster parents they (the Dad) must realize that a 12 month old would not remember him/have an attachment after not seeing him for 3 months! Maybe after a week, but 3 months, no. If he was a toddler or older, then yes, he may would remember the relationship, but he was an INFANT. I would have found his comments very innapropriate. Not that he feels that way, but that he would SAY it, especially in a room full of people he doesnt know well. I'm glad he was able to be in a home that loved and cared for him for those 9 months, but Im glad he is with you now...They sound a bit odd.
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OH, and if you feel they are not a flight risk... maybe offer to let them "babysit" while you and hubby have dinner one night? That way they get their "time alone" and you know he will be cared for. Take pictures of them with him and give them a copy as well as 1 for his baby book.
I agree with the theory of "the more people that love a child" the better. When they are appropriate of course.
I would give them "alone time" in YOUR/HIS home. There is no way i'd let him go for the day. I'd also establish proper titles. (grama, grampa, auntie) whatever all adults agree on before they come over. If former foster father wantwd to be dad it sounds like he could have been, that is not your burden or the childs to carry
I can see why you feel like you want to help them with their grief. But really, if they weren't in love with him enough to want to adopt him and they volunteered him up to be moved, then they need to move on. It's not healthy for them or for the baby. It seems he'd already forgotten dad, so they need to handle their own emotions and let the child move on with his life. It would be different, maybe, if the child were older and remembered and missed them. But if you are adopting him, then he doesn't need to be confused. This is about his best interest, not the foster parents. If they had reunited him with his birth parents, then the foster parents would be out of luck and no one would think there was anything wrong with that. Is there anyone or anything that says you have to go along with this? I'd definitely not want them taking him for the day. Personally, I think it's a bit ridiculous.
I have a friend who has a new 1 year old foster son -- weekly visits with his former foster parents are mandated by the social workers. He goes at least once a week, often twice, to their home, without her. It was deemed by the workers to be in his best attachment interest. I don't necessarily agree with HOW they are doing it but I do agree that maintaining contact can be best.
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I had to let my FFS go to adoption with another family. I feel lucky and blessed that they have allowed us contact. I was mom to my FFS for 17 months. I was not able to adopt...not because I didn't love him...I loved him desperately. It was because I was in a position of having bio twins and all three FC coming up for adoption unexpectedly. For me, it felt like I was placeing my son for adoption. It was heartwrenching and the hardest thing I have ever had to do, hands down. It was the right decicion, but difficult none the less. My FFS is thriving with his forever family, and so are my four precious children.
I don't understand, though, the attitude of the foster family. My greatest fear was that our decision would break our FFS. He already had many behaviors due to attachment difficulties and from the neglect he suffered that we worked our butts off helping him with. For this reason, we have kept most of our contact short and always in the company of mom and dad. I really enjoy seeing him once in awhile & getting updates and pics via facebook. We support them as the parents 100% and feel that it is most important to secure his attachment with them, while knowing people who love him don't just fall off the face of the planet. It sounds like the foster parents are grieving as were we, but are unable to put that aside for the good of the child. Tread carefully.
I've tried to think of the best way to write, for a while, but can't get it just right, so ---
My husband and I are 'Foster only' parents. We could not manage to adopt, but that doesn't mitigate our feelings for the 1-year-old baby that's just gone to a pre-adoptive home after spending most of his first year with us. Luckily for us, his adoptive parents recognize our feelings, and our children's feelings, for the baby. We'll get to see him again, and know he's OK. (Unlike a previous foster baby, who went to a family member we'll never meet).
It's *not* just about what's good for the baby. It's trying to be most human to everyone involved. I'm always going to wonder if there was something I could have said to/done for last BM to shake her awake.
Your new adoptive child may have forgotten those foster parents. They'll never forget. Yes - a request for private visits is odd and inappropriate. Crying at a birthday party, too. Maybe they're new at this. Maybe we all are. They're going through the most dramatic/traumatic time of their lives. Cut them some slack.
Can't stand this soapbox one minute longer -
Thank you all so much for the input! We really had felt like we had a perfect situation with the former foster family- they'd been so supportive, shared pictures and information freely, we'd invited them into our home, shared pictures and updates back to them after his move, have pictures of them with him up in his room, and have worked hard to stay in touch for him to have his full history, to have so many that love him, and to validate their feelings and the tremendous gift they've given us. Raising our son for nine months, an unimaginable gift.
I think that's why the request, and my feelings about it, shook me. It felt like a possessive step backwards rather than a mutually supportive step forward. This was their 16th foster child, and our very first placement, so I kind of felt like they knew these ropes, and maybe I was overreacting. I want so badly to continue to have a positive relationship with them, for everyone involved, but I feel better seeing your responses that scheduled alone time strikes you as over the line, too. I LOVE the idea of offering her some time in our home to babysit. Hadn't thought of that! Maybe it will give her what she is needing to process her grief while allowing him the security of the environment and allowing me to control the length of time.
Thank you so much! So many emotions to navigate, and one precious boy worthy of all of them. :)
I think it would be amazing for your little one if you can work out a relationship with these folks. Boundaries can be gently set. If they can see you as the parents, and can be sure to be able to control their emotions around the child, it will be beneficial for your little one. In our situation the foster-adopt parents only met the bios once or twice. I had a very extensive relationship with them. It will be huge for my FFS growing up to be able to get that history and to know that he was loved and cared for while in foster care.
This will get easier with time...I still felt like I was babysitting at three months to be honest. Good luck to you. I hope you are able to draw boundaries while maintaining a good relationship.
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Wodemom
It's *not* just about what's good for the baby. It's trying to be most human to everyone involved.-
As a foster parent in this situation now, I can understand both sides of the fence. I think it's extremely important for your soon to have time to bond with you. My FS is moving to be RU w/siblings after I've had him a year. It's heart breaking but thats what we signed up for! So it's in HIS best interest that we distance ourselves so he can form a good bond with his new family. Trust me it's extremely hard as the Fparent who's loosing him but I love him enough to know that bonding with them is whats most important and best for him. I wouldnt even allow babysitting for at least 6 months. For their good and his. However photos back and fouth with plans of a visit 6 months out, I think those are positive ideas that will help tie him to all of you appropriately.
My parents(adopted me) let us visit our foster parents while growing up. It tought me respect for people. I realized they were not my parents. I was very young when adopted, almost two. I do remember going back to see them when I was three once and I sat on the stairs for a while confused. I remember looking around for my room and wondering where it was. Anyway I look back and they were the reason I became a FMom. They were good people I got to see and I am glad I knew how they changed my life. I am also respectful of my mother for letting me see the people who loved me.
Just a different aspect...
I recently had a conversation with 2 I my kids former foster parents. She expressed guilt for having to have them moved. Just because she couldn't care for them long term that didn't mean she didn't love and care deeply for them. We've managed to form a friendship. My suggestion would be keep putting it out there for the sale of child but understand that they may not be where you are. I would also suggest a neutral place the first few times. May be less intimidating. Perhaps also a candid conversation about how you are feeling and what you want to set the expectation so no one is unclear.Also about Dad referring to himself as Dad- in the grand scheme I wouldn't be so upset. It was a slip of the tounge and I'm sure he meant no disrespect. It's not as if he was forcing your son to call him Dad. Perhaps he thought it would confuse him if he didn't refer to himself that way. I share the Mom title with my kids Bio Mom. I'm sure it bothers her a great deal but the truth is am am ALSO Mom. Good luck!
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lovemy3babies
I can see why you feel like you want to help them with their grief. But really, if they weren't in love with him enough to want to adopt him and they volunteered him up to be moved, then they need to move on. It's not healthy for them or for the baby. It seems he'd already forgotten dad, so they need to handle their own emotions and let the child move on with his life. It would be different, maybe, if the child were older and remembered and missed them. But if you are adopting him, then he doesn't need to be confused. This is about his best interest, not the foster parents. If they had reunited him with his birth parents, then the foster parents would be out of luck and no one would think there was anything wrong with that. Is there anyone or anything that says you have to go along with this? I'd definitely not want them taking him for the day. Personally, I think it's a bit ridiculous.
:wings: :popcorn: First of all congratulations on your adoption. I am also an foster/adoptive parent. One of my kids still maintain contact with his pervious fm. She refers to him as her grandson. My husband and I as her children. I enjoy the bond and friendship we have created. As one post said, child need several people in their life to care and love them. At first I wasnt sure if I wanted her to stay connected but I am glad I did. She respects and understand I am the mom and not to overstep any boundaries. I enjoy knowing I have someone to start his life exoeriences with that truly care for him. If she wasnt older she would have adopted him. It is good that some of the other foster family came for the party. It shows that they truly love this baby. Just because they choose to foster it does not mean they love him any less. Good luck and continue to enjoy the baby. They would be excellent babysitters or just a friend to stay involve in baby life whether its pictures or phone call when he is older if you choose. It is up to you to make that decision. Whatever is best for you.If you dont feel right about it. Dont do it.