Anyone have *bad reunion* stories to share?

I was about to say the same thing. I think I've read far more "reunion gone wrong" stories on here than positive reunion stories. I consider my reunion positive, but it was certainly not without it's roller-coaster-ride moments, uncertainties, doubts, anxieties, and other run of the mill difficulties that go along with reunion. I consider myself very lucky. I've heard so many stories about serious problems that come up where a reunion cannot proceed or simply never happens at all. Although I still consider my reunion a "work in progress" I am building a nice foundation with my son and we haven't had anything come up that has jeapordized that. I was honestly concerned, after reading so many horror stories, that surely something WILL happen eventually (i.e. my son will pull back, we will get into some big fight, he will get angry, I will be overcome with my own emotions, etc., etc.) That hasn't happened (knock wood) and I suppose if it does, I will cross that bridge when I get to it. feb, why do you want to hear the horror stories? Did you have an expectation of the perfect reunion and it did not pan out that way for you?

There is no black and white in reunions. No definitive lines in the sand. For some people just getting the chance to see the people you are related to by blood is enough. We all have our bad days. It's not healthy to dwell solely on the negative nor the positive. I think as has been mentioned if you peruse this site a little more closely you will see that each person from different perspectives has some insight. My brother once said "If you want a fairy tale; rent a movie". It's pretty accurate. If you want horror stories they are not only fleeting because emotions change with time and we are human; they are elusive to people who haven't been through the same kind of pain. We are all trying to find our way. Sometimes I get sick of my emotions and the black Irish angst I carry becomes dark humour. It's a coping mechanism. Our brain can only handle so much from the emotional side and it reframes things to help us cope so people hang on to the precious pieces of joy at times. Sometimes the suffering between the lines renders those of us who have suffered speechless and it's pretty generous to share that kind of emotion. Why do you feel like the stories have been skewed to present only the warm fuzzy kind? That's interesting to me.

i havent been on site since 2010, whilst i was lucky enough to meet my birth mum once, she strung me along for 6 months and finally left me waiting in an hotel for our second visit which she never showed up to, and was am gutted, she married my birth dad and they have 7 other chikdren and she cant tell them, i went back via agnecy today to try and reconnect, its been a year and a half and i still think about her am i crazy?

That's mean that she didn't show up or even call the 2nd time. 7 other kids? Wow. I would be cautious in the relationship, as she doesn't sound... I'm not sure what the word is. She strung you along for 6 months, then didn't show on the 2nd visit. She's not reliable is a pleasant way of putting it. But, I can see why you would want to try to have contact again. Good luck, that's rough.

i am hopeful, some of my frends think i am mad, i just cant understand why the truth would hurt, the world has changed in the last 40 years hasnt it?

I've seen some horror stories, but more stories about happy endings... and even more posts about people dreaming of some happy ending. I had no reunion. The person made their choice twice. I've seen it pan out well for others, though... it seems like everyone thinks there's a likelihood of it working out well. And, apparently that's more rare than it seems.

Feb1711983, I've helped facilitate over a hundred reunions in the past 30 years or so. Most of them have gone well. There's been a few outright rejection of contact, but in my experience, it's more often the adopted adult who turns down the request. The mothers from the Baby Scoop Era who turn down contact usually have huge denial problems and have kept their children a secret from other family members, especially their husbands. Those seem to be the ones who are most likely to turn away the children they relinquished. Do long-term post-reunion relationships have fairy-tale endings? No, they usually don't -- but then what relationship doesn't encounter an occasional snag in life? It's the willingness to make a lifelong commitment that seems to make all the difference in the world. I'm sorry your birth mother has turned you away. That is horrible, and I don't personally understand it. I've been a member of Concerned United Birthparents (CUB) since 1979, so most of the women I've known in real life who surrendered babies to adoption are eager for contact. But then again, CUB members have a base of support and receive help and advice during the search/reunion process.

I don't have any hard facts or statistics but I believe that despite all of the heartache in the end for those of us who were desperate to know; finding anything out is a positive thing. The rejection is understandable on a rational level. I had anger at first. My adoptive mother had rage so it was predictable that I would have internalized some of that. Her rage was a result of her insecurities. She resented the fact that I "needed to know" and was willing to put my heart out there to be broken if that's what it took. I did not have my heart stepped on intentionally but it was bruised. It still is. I can rationally accept all of the reasons why there is this brick wall but inside the doubt flickers and sometimes becomes overwhelming. I can get caught up in constantly being anxious about everything I care about falling between my finger tips. That's comes from years of hyper-vigilance which is a function of my childhood experience. Not all adoptees have the same level of need. Some are not willing to take the risk of further rejection. It sounds like you were one of the brave souls who gave it a second chance. I do not believe in pity but just know that I can empathize and there are many others who can as well. It's a struggle to accept what we can't change. I am willing to try a thousand times but each measure of rejection takes it toll. There may come a time when I am ready to close the door entirely and call it over but I am not there yet.

Mine is a reunion gone bad. We reunited back in 2004 and it was a long distance reunion for just over two years. My son and I lived at opposite ends of the country for 4 months then he moved abroad for two years. We kept up regular contact during this time. When it was good it was great but when my son was unhappy it was awful as he would accuse me of saying and doing things he had said and done. He didn't accept any responsibility for the hurt he caused even though there were witnesses. We fell out for a few months in 2006 then he got back in contact as if nothing had happened. My son said he had to come to the country due to running out of money - he was studying - to get a job so he could go back. My husband and I agreed to him moving in with us as he 'wasn't welcome back' at his adoptive parents home until he 'changed his way'. Apparently his adoptive mother had also accused him of being on drugs. My son ended up living with us for 2 1/2 years and we found out he couldn't go back to his studies as he had been kicked out due to failing his resits. During that time my son wouldn't live by our rules and ignored our boundaries. He constantly tried to play my husband and I off against each other which we wised up to quite quickly. My son refused to look for work although we did insist that he signed on for unemployment benefit. We had constant battles with him over him being in bed all day then up all night talking loudly over the internet with his friends. In the end we ended up switching off the internet at midnight then turning it on at 7 am just to get a bit of peace. Even his bedroom came a battleground and I can count on one hand how often his clothes were washed over the first 15 months. That came to head eventually when he had to go and sign on at the Job Centre. I went into his bedroom to open up the window as there was a bad smell coming from it. My husband and I had to clear the room of all the rubbish just to get to the window. We filled about 25 black plastic sacks of rubbish. That wasn't including the 2 litre bottles that he had been using instead of going to the bathroom. Those were left for him to empty and bag up. We had a talk with him about this and agreed to getting the mental health team involved. His adoptive parents were informed and they were very supportive. They had had similar problems with him but we got it worse over the bad behaviour. It didn't stop us having to go through the same again a month later cleaning his room. At that point we told him his room was being cleaned once a week and we were going to check that he did. My son ended up having counselling on his own and family sessions but his adoptive parents weren't included as he didn't want them there. We thought all was going well until my son got a girlfriend and then he reverted back to being rude, nasty, telling lies then accusing me of doing exactly what he was doing. I completely lost my temper in the last family counselling session and told him a few home truths. One of the counsellors asked him how he felt about what I said but all he would do was shrug his shoulders. It was soon after that he moved in with his girlfriend and despite him moving out on good terms communication did peter out. We met up for a meal a few weeks later and his girlfriend was in tow as agreed and his adoptive parents came along. My son would communicate with my husband for a few months but he ignored me and would only talk to me on the phone if he was put on the spot. Eventually I got a very nasty email with the usual false accusations and him blaming me for his high phone bill and him being overdrawn constantly with his bank. My son's phone bill was high because he had regularly rung his girlfriend before moving in with her and it was his fault he was regularly overdrawn. He would make online purchases but didn't keep a check on what he was spending. After his last email in Oct 2009 I have refused to contact him except for two occasions as I can't take his awful behaviour anymore. I let him know my mother died and sent him an update on medical information. The only way I would have contact with him now is through an intermediary.

This is the major reason that I will not get to know my mother. She informed her parents and my b-father about her pregnancy. That's it. No one else knew. Later on, before she married her husband, she informed him of my existence. No one else was ever told. My half-siblings don't know about me. Her other relatives don't know about me. None of her friends know about me. It's a shame. I really would have loved to have had some type of relationship with her, but I believe that it is just too difficult for her. However, I cannot say that it was entirely unsuccessful or bad. She gave me my father's name. I now know the names of both of my parents and just a little bit about each one of them. That alone makes my attempt worthwhile. And, I have found blurry yearbook photos of each of them. I have some information now, which is more than I had prior to contacting her.

The secrets are one thing but after reading the post by Lost mother and realizing we could all be opening our doors to people who would take advantage of our need to connect; I am thankful that there are boundaries.Things happen and when a person finds themselves in difficulty it's good to be able to reach out a helping hand or to ask for help in the short term.But there are people out there who for whatever reason need to attach themselves like leeches. I know that people who are not adopted do the same type of thing.I am sorry to hear about how your son treated you. Good for you setting a clear definition and limits to your tolerance.I would never dream of asking for money from my birth family; but I have received help when required and would help if asked. Money is one thing but taking advantage of hospitality is much the same when it's taken without appreciation or any effort to repay. I don't believe that's fair. I am sure there are people who aren't adopted who do the same thing. It becomes entitlement in many cases. People feel they are owed something just for existing. It's not healthy.We are all placed on this planet with some level of accountability. We all come in with nothing really and go out the same way. What we accumulate in the interim is not remembered. What we develop via our character is. People won't remember what your house looked like or what you drove in the years passing after we are all dead. They will remember who we were.At least those I care to be remembered by.

This is both reassuring and sad. Good to see that experiences aren't all "touchy and emotional" like the stock photos plastered here.

I find sleep and time puts things in perspective. Sometimes when I think about events I am devastated and basically wonder if I've lost my mind. I can get very dark and vile about my situation. But when I put it in perspective and realize no matter how much disappointment or joy.....I took the gamble. No one came banging into my reality. I came crashing into theirs. I am fortunate that I found the answers I needed to know. You can't make up for years gone by. It takes many events to build the relationships. Talking to people I realize that there are people who grew up in intact families who are no closer than I am to my family. Sometime familiarity breeds contempt so I tread lightly. I would never suggest that anyone goes into it with "PollyAnna" perspective. It's tough.

I am the birth mother. My daughter was removed from my care at 18 months due to my near-catatonic depression. Because I couldn't find a psychiatrist to guarantee it wouldn't recur, she was not given back. She was adopted at five years old, after 3.5 years of weekly, blissful outings. It was very painful. The adoptive parents wrote me twice in the very beginning, then I didn't hear from them again until May of 2021, when my daughter was 17. They were having problems with her, and asked me to give them a break sometimes. By August she was living with me permanently. By December we (her, her brother, and I) were facing eviction because of her behaviour, which included buying and selling drugs from this address, and supplying my neighbour's 14 year-old stepdaughter with mushrooms, which resulted in her hospitalization. If we are evicted, we will be homeless, as I am extremely low-income, and there are literally no apartments left here or anywhere in this province (and possibly even Canada) which I can afford. I told my daughter to change her behaviour or leave. She left. I haven't heard from her since unless it's about money. She lies constantly, about everything, regardless of the (even, possibly legal) consequences for us and her adoptive parents. Most of the stories on here are about shitty birth parents, but I would really love to know that I'm not alone. I loved the child, but do not even like the adolescent. She carries a knife, thinks she's a gangster, and I fear both her and those she associates with. She is prescribed antipsychotics, but doesn't take them consistently, and mixes them with alcohol and street drugs (not just marijuana) anyway. She is not stable, loves only drugs, a grudge, and a vendetta, and hates me and her brother who, unlike me, has been assertive, thus a target for her vitriol.

I'm glad I'm not the only one with a story like this. I was starting to feel very lonely.