New foster mom and feeling like I'm doing something wrong

When I first started fostering I decided to leave it completely up to the kids.....auntie, first name, whatever. Without a single exception ALL of the kids have called me mama. I thought that perhaps it was a southern thing (I was a newcomer to Texas), but then heard them referring to their mothers as 'mommy'. I think you are doing just fine, particularly considering their age. Perhaps the best route is to let the GAL and anyone else concerned know that you don't encourage it, and had offered other options, but that this is what the kids have chosen to call you and that you hesitate to make a big deal out of it since it very well may give them a sense of comfort/security. Also, reassure any critics that when you speak of their bio parents, YOU refer to them as their mommy and daddy. I saw some of your other posts and can see that this is a rather stressful situation, since it looks like it could be adoptive but all you can do is ride it out. Be as helpful and accommodating to their worker as possible. You might even see if their is a way to meet the gparents and drop a comment about 'open adoption'.....not sure if they are hostile in general, or just worried about never seeing their grand kids again. In any event, don't fret over the name thing- the only thing I can see them disrupting the placement for is the grandparents (which seems slim) or if you cause a lot of problems that may interfere with any ru efforts. I can't imagine that the worker cares how the kids refer to you.....

Anybody who is telling you that they are unhappy about the kids calling you Mom/Dad, are completely uninformed on child development(other that the parents not liking it). Children have a need to put someone into the role of Mom & Dad, and that is what you are. They need the comfort and security of calling you that. It's what is best for the kids.

My view point is different. "Mom" "Dad" are just words. Meaningless unless we give them meaning. My fkids have always called me by name, unless *they* decided to call me something different. Being called my name didn't change the relationship between us--I was still the person that fixed boo-boos, read story at bedtime, snuggled when they felt down....meaning did all the Mommy things. I think its very easy for us to take the "child development" tack when faced with distress from the families. It justifies what we want to hear. But let's be honest here, there hasn't really been a body of child development study that really determines that having the word "mommy" or "daddy" in foster care situations positively or negatively impacts the child's development. Rather we tend to lump positive attachments and bonding benefits under being called a title and determine it is good. In my view, it should be up the child and we shouldn't get in the name battle. If it makes the family uncomfortable, the child will know about it. Then the child is stuck either pleasing the family or pleasing the foster family. From my point of view, if the child wants (and isn't subltly pressured by the positive response of the foster parents) to call the foster parents mom and dad, that's fine. But I don't think its valid to try and claim that research supports that name designation.

Thank you, all! It is very stressful. I do lots of research and pray a LOT! I should clarify that we did introduce ourselves to these children and Mr/Mrs, the only rule that we had was that they had to call us at least Mr/Mrs for the sake of authority. The 4yo was use to being in charge, so she needed guidelines. They gave us a single nickname, a veriation of my husband's name b/c they thought his name was my name at first. We were perfectly fine with the nicknames, I thought it was cute and responded positively to that. The 2yo started the mommy/daddy thing, and the 4yo followed. My husband lived in a home as a foster child for 4 years (age 3 to 7) before he was adopted, and he says he distinctly remembers making the decision to call his parents mom and dad, and that was one of the only things that made him feel normal. As far how bio is addressed, they call the dad by his first name and always have- I didn't even know that was him until another family member told me. I don't think the 4yo knows that he was her father, bc when I'd ask who that was she'd say, "He's just my man. He's a little boy like me." Biomom was always referred to as "My mama" and I became "another mama." But, now I have to correct them to call her mama, bc they call her by her first name (even though I've ALWAYS referred to her as "your mama" or "your mommy." Now I say, "You mean mama?" and they respond, "yeah, first name mama." So, we have to have talks about how she is mama, and I am another mama...just like I have step mamas that are "another mamas") I just feel like they never really had the opportunity to form a healthy attacment to her, and latched on when they came to an environment where they received positive attention. Our social worker is great, and we do go out of our way to be accomodating to family even when it's almost impossible. We live in an area with a fp shortage, and we've been told that we have been used as an example of an ideal home in many trainings/meetings, so they like us - I'm just always terrified to make them mad! Recently, the 4yo told me that biomom has been hitting the younger two in the face on visits when they cry, and the 2 yo was told to tell us, "I'm not f-ing with you" by biomom. It's such a messed up situation. On their 24 hr visit w/mom after they were taken into custody, biomom left after 5 minutes - throwing one and kicking the other out of the way before storming out saying they could f-in die for all she cared. I just want these children to feel safe and normal. (the 2yo's g-ma has told me that she wants her to stay with us, bc when she'd force her way in to visit her before, she'd cry all the way home bc of the way she lived. It was a very, very bad situation for the children.)

Well, for heaven's sake STOP worrying! Sounds to me like you are well-regarded, and that the kids made a very definitive name choice. Again, if someone DOES make a comment (ie CASA, GAL or whoever) let them know the kids are the ones choosing this and then let it go. This is the last thing you need to be worried about!