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Hi Everyone,
This is my first post and as it turns out, my personal adoption reunion story is starting out to be a long, strange trip already and I have yet to make contact.
I am a 26 year old woman who was adopted at birth in a closed adoption through a private adoption agency. Last week, I asked my adoptive mom about information regarding my biological family (I have had a great life with my adoptive family and love them dearly, but just yearn to also make contact with my 'other' family) and my mom shared identifying information that she had for both of my birth parents. To make a long story short, I took it upon myself to Google my birth mother's name and found out that she unfortunately passed away in 2009 of breast cancer at the age of 45. She had waited 20 years after me (till she was 40) to have kids and ended up having multiples. She was no longer with my birth father (her college sweetheart) and was an extremely successful and accomplished woman. Needless to say, I am absolutely devastated by this loss and can not believe that I never got the chance to meet her. I had always planned on making contact, but never rushed to do so because I wanted to wait until I really felt ready and I was unaware that she only had a limited amount of time on this earth.
I have recently gotten in contact with a social worker at the agency I was adopted through and discussed contacting my maternal biological grandparents, who, ironically enough, live in the same state as me and were fully aware of my existence. As a baby, they had sent the agency Christmas ornaments and blankets that they had knitted for me and I thought with the loss of their daughter they might like to see me. Also, because my birthmother passed so young from breast cancer and I found out that my bio maternal grandmother had breast cancer as well, I think that it is imperative that I get more information on my medical history. Other than the medical risks, I would genuinely like to pursue a relationship with them and get to know about my birthmother and what she was like, since I will never have that opportunity. I have written a thoughtful letter that I plan on sending them tomorrow and included pictures ranging from my childhood to the present and am hoping that it is received well.
My birth father is also an extremely successful man who is now married, has children and lives an hour away from me. Upon reviewing my case, the social worker informed me that he was completely supportive of my birth mom and very involved in the adoption process. She said that for a 21-year old college student, she was impressed by his unwavering dedication to finding me a good home and took putting me up for adoption very seriously, which are traits that she said are not typical of many cases she has worked with. She also said that she can positively assure me that my birth father still thinks of me, but did not go on further, making me think that possibly he had called the agency once I became an adult to see if they had any new information. She said that it is a very difficult situation in judging as to whether or not to contact him because he has 4 children and is married to a woman who may or may not know of my existence. I told her that it was not my choice to be adopted and although I respect his right to confidentiality and privacy, he should still respect the fact that when you put up a child for adoption, you are agreeing to the possibility that they might contact you for further information in the future. I have also written my birthfather a thoughtful letter thanking him for his decision, explaining how sad I am to hear of the loss of my birthmom and that I am open to contact if he was ever interested. I also included some pictures of my life from newborn to adulthood. I have decided to send it to his work in an letter that is marked as containing confidential information in order to avoid having one of his daughters or his wife receive it. I really am trying to be as sensitive to his needs as I possibly can.
Ever since I found out that my birthmom is no longer alive, I have been filled with sadness and despair. Sometimes I just cry and sometimes I get angry that I was never able to see her. I am trying to look at it through the lens that everything happens for a reason and that maybe finding out about her death proved to be the catalyst for me to initiate a reunion with the rest of my bio fam. Even in the midst of rationalizing all of this, I am SO scared to send this letter, especially to my birthfather. I fear being rejected so much and after snooping and seeing his facebook page where he and his children look so happy, I became discouraged and now feel like I shouldn't even bother. I seem to be nothing like his other children, who appear to be studious and athletic, where as I am more of a social butterfly and couldn't catch a ball to save my life. Sometimes, I even feel jealous of his daughters, which makes no sense to me, because I have such a close bond with my adoptive dad. I have recently seen interviews of my biodad on YouTube and it is the first time in my life that I have ever seen someone who looked like me, talked like me and had the same mannerisms at me. Thinking that I could enter his life as the 'problem child' that he will have to deal with is almost too much for me to bear emotionally, especially on top of the lost opportunity with my birthmom. I fear that he doesn't care, that he has moved on and that he would be happier if he never heard from me at all.
I am so confused with these recent events. I have a loving adoptive family, beautiful 1-year old son, supportive husband and am on track to finish graduate school this May. I should be proud of all of my accomplishments and everything I have, and the fact that I am so deeply impacted by this and so insecure about the potential reunion confuses me so much.
I am sorry for the excessive length of this post! After deciding not to send this letter my husband encouraged me to find a forum where I can speak to other adoptees who can help cheer me on to get the courage to have a little faith in myself and send it. I came to this board looking for support and I thank you for reading this. Even though I am so sad, I know my birthmom is looking over me and always has been, even if she hasn't physically been by my side, she has always been in my heart. :wings:
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Welcome Kekeke,
I am sorry that your mother passed away and so early. My mother had already passed away by the time the court unsealed my records. It's hard and beyond sad, and it takes time for it to find it's own place to live inside you. Finding peace with never getting to meet her and get to know her is a loss.
I do think you should send the letter to your grandparents - you sound incredibly caring and am sure the letter is written just as beautifully. For what it is worth I have a great relationship with my aunt who also knew about me - she says I have always been her niece, and my grandfather also wanted to meet me if I ever searched for them but he had also passed away. You never know unless you reach out and can only just do what is in your heart. Your child is also their great-grandchild as well.
If you are at all hesitant sending the letter to your father, then perhaps wait for a bit after you send the letter to your grandparents - in the hope that you might gain some further insight into his current life. Regardless though, if he was involved in your adoption then it is also quite likely that his wife knows about you, and other children may also - although if much younger they may have waited to see if you would contact them before telling them about you. It is unknown and scary but it sounds like you are trying to do this in the most sensitive manner possible.
I am questioning one thing - the social worker is the one who told you of your grandmothers breast cancer? If yes, and if the agency found that out later - they should have contacted either you if you were an adult or your mom and dad - that should not have been left in the file on the odd chance you would contact them. I would say something in writing - although it is too late to rectify their mistake for you - they need to fix their processes so that any other adoptees are advised and protected.
Good luck and be prepared that once the letter(s) are in the mail that you will be plotting out when they should have received the letter, how long to contact you back, checking your post box daily, email hourly, phone by your side...and that is all pretty darn normal.
Kind regards,
Dickons
P.s. One thing to make sure you include in the letter(s) is a request that if they aren't interested at the moment - at least they let you know that, and if possible to share at least some memories, pictures and family health history...the lack of response / wondering if they got the letter is the hardest part.
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Dickons,
Thank you for sharing your personal journey, it has provided me comfort to know that I am not alone in being part of a club that no one wants to be a member of. I am very optimistic about the reaction of my grandparents, as they are one degree separated from the situation and enough time has passed that I am fairly confident they would be able to process their grief and foster a relationship with me.
Perhaps I am hopelessly optimistic and naive but I do believe that my father will be interested in contact with me as well. I have thought about waiting to send his letter, but this has taken such a toll on me and my personal life that I would feel better just putting both of the letters in the mail at once and knowing that I did what I could.
I am sure that this is normal, especially when I am so sensitive and overly-protective of my birthmom right now, but is it normal to be nervous of my birthfather's wife and maybe even resent her a little? I found out that she graduated from the same college as my birthmom and dad (4 years after my dad, 3 after my mom) and it made me so irrationally upset and angry. My husband pointed out that there is a good chance that my mom ended things with him, versus that his current wife was involved in the demise of their relationship whatsoever. These emotions are so strange for me, a week ago (before I found this info out) if you had asked me about caring about my birthparents personal lives, I would have thought you were crazy. Now that I know my birthmom is dead and I have started this journey, everything I have ever known or thought I had processed about my adoption is coming to light and I feel such a strong spectrum of emotions--guilt, overwhelming sadness, anger, resentment, hope, cynicism. I even sometimes feel jealous of his daughters and a complete aversion to meeting them--totally bizarre because I am completely happy with my sisters and adoptive family. I would never act on this resentment, but it feels good venting my thoughts in this forum and (hopefully) receiving validation for these feelings.
As far as my record goes, it was in my original medical record my bparents gave when the initially placed me that her mother had breast cancer. I only just found out through Google that my birthmother had passed, which makes me angry because had I not inquired I would have never thought to get preventative care. I think this is a huge flaw and I plan on addressing this to my social worker as well as advocating for change through my graduate program, where I am getting my Masters in Social Work with a specialization in adoption issues. There absolutely needs to be more transparency in medical history for adoptees.
I agree about including something that asks if they could notify me when they receive the letter. I am going to UPS tomorrow to mail it and requesting a signature on both packages. I am already catastrophizing millions of ways the package will get lost on its way to my birthdad's office, which is why I can't wait to just drop these packages off tomorrow and know that I did what I could. I also included pictures in both of their letters that show me in each stage of life up until the present. :)
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I am sure that this is normal, especially when I am so sensitive and overly-protective of my birthmom right now, but is it normal to be nervous of my birthfather's wife and maybe even resent her a little? I found out that she graduated from the same college as my birthmom and dad (4 years after my dad, 3 after my mom) and it made me so irrationally upset and angry. My husband pointed out that there is a good chance that my mom ended things with him, versus that his current wife was involved in the demise of their relationship whatsoever. These emotions are so strange for me, a week ago (before I found this info out) if you had asked me about caring about my birthparents personal lives, I would have thought you were crazy. Now that I know my birthmom is dead and I have started this journey, everything I have ever known or thought I had processed about my adoption is coming to light and I feel such a strong spectrum of emotions--guilt, overwhelming sadness, anger, resentment, hope, cynicism. I even sometimes feel jealous of his daughters and a complete aversion to meeting them--totally bizarre because I am completely happy with my sisters and adoptive family. I would never act on this resentment, but it feels good venting my thoughts in this forum and (hopefully) receiving validation for these feelings.
Kekeke,
You are perfectly normal - if there is a normal once you have ventured into the reunion sphere.
Many find that reunion triggers having to process all the feelings and emotions of being adopted. The feelings will of course be vastly different than how you processed them up until this point. You now have lived life experiences under your belt - school, living outside your family home, marriage, a new baby to name a few - those lived experiences have matured you so it is different. Growing up being adopted was likely just that - made no difference...now you are viewing it through a different lens - perhaps with more empathy for what your other family gave up and lost because of the adoption and how that may have been the turning point in relatioships. I doubt you will view your family or life up to this point any different and perhaps the experience will enhance it even if it is great now.
Jealousy can be a problem in reunion and you need to work through it the best you can and find ways to not allow it to impact your reunion. As to the relationship between your mother and father I would expect the grief more than anything would have been the underlying cause of them going different paths, rather than a person. When a couple lose a child to death the statistics used to be 90% ended in divorce (no idea if that has changed). I don't think in those cases the death actually was the cause - more how each person deals with loss and grief, the life choices they make as a reaction to their grief, whether they shut down or need to talk and the other can't, the different order in the stages of grief they go through and how many times they hit the same stage, who they are at the other end. Losing a child to adoption to me (and I am one of those statistics I mention) would be harder than the finality of death - because I would know my child was still out there and I would have no idea if they were okay, dead, happy, sad etc.
There are books out there - most I haven't read but one author is highly regarded - Betty Jean Lifton - I believe she has some specfically on reunion - google her.
Another author whose books I have read is Nancy Newton Verrier an adoptive parent and also a mental health professional (drawing a blank on her title sorry). Her books are The Primal Wound and Coming Home to Self. People either love or hate The Primal Wound - most I think because of the title and assuming that she feels all adoptees are wounded for life which I didn't hear when I read it. It speaks to the differences of adoption and feelings at different stages in life and different courses an adoptee may follow - to me I saw the different paths each of us in my family followed, and it validated a lot of feelings I had over the years. It also has a lot on reunion in it. I went into it with an open mind and didn't read it with a rebuttal forming in my head. Her second book is focused more on the ways of getting through the journey and the feelings that are evoked along the way in reunion etc. I had already reunited with my aunt when I got the second book and I just skimmed parts of it, but seeing as you have some waiting period and feelings of jealousy you may want to pick that book up. I found the first book really helped me understand the emotions reunion brought up - you may or may not agree but I think it would help you examine your feelings.
David Brodzinsky is also another author and really well known/respected in the adoption community. He co-authored the book "Being Adopted- the lifelong search for self" Brodzinsky, Ph.D; Schechter, M.D., Marantz Henig. This book is amazing and takes you through the entire lifetime of feelings at differnet stages. I find it is helpful but is perhaps less wordy than Verrier.
I have babbled on long enough and need more coffee to get my mind working right. I just want to reassure you that your feelings are normal, the reprocessing is normal, the heightened emotions are normal. Talking helps and I am glad you found this site. There isn't a lot of activity here but there are still a few long term members that check in here periodically and will jump into the conversation.
I am glad you had the health info - but am so happy to hear you intend to make the family health history a focus for improvement in your career.
I may come back and see I missed some relevant points and add another reply - my brain is glitchy more often than not.
Kind regards,
Dickons
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Dickons,
Thank you again for your kind and heartfelt reply, as well as for validating my feelings regarding this pre-reunion phase. I have made an active effort to stop looking at anything about his wife and kids, because although I respect that they are his priority, this isn't about them, it is about my birthfather and I. If our reunion goes well and we decide to have regular contact, then we can approach how I can integrate his family then. So far, I do not feel a connection nor longing to be a part of his children's lives, I don't identify them as my 'half-sisters' although they are biologically related to me and to be frank, other than respecting their importance in my father's life, they are not my focus. I have just tried to accept this truth and focus on the main character, so to speak, at this time.
I thought of our discussion today when talking to my mom this afternoon about more details regarding my birth. Apparently, when I was born the nurses (incorrectly) diagnosed me with a heart murmur and I was kept in the hospital for 5 nights and 6 days. My birthparents stayed at the hospital throughout this whole time and never left my side. They fed me, changed me and loved me for those 6 days. Also, I was born a few days before Thanksgiving, so they actually spent the holiday with me and their parents in the hospital. The day after, they placed me in my 'going home' outfit that they had purchased for me and sent me to my adoptive parents via a social worker. I CANNOT imagine the intense grief and trauma that this must have caused, in fact, both my mother and I began to cry as she was retelling the story because it sounded so painful. I am now sure that with this new insight, combined with the facts you provided me about grief, was the contributing factor to the demise of their relationship.
I have also recently seen many interviews where my birth father talks about how he believes 'there is always light at the end of the tunnel' and references tribulations that occurred in his early adulthood that made him realize this. Although he never comes close to revealing what circumstances influenced his mantra, I can't help but think that my birth and placement was one of them.
Alas, the letter is in UPS and I paid a little extra to make sure he will get it by lunchtime this Monday. His reaction is constantly on my mind and you are right in saying waiting is the hardest part, because I am already feeling such a high level of anxiety. My birth grandparent's will get their letter on Tuesday, but I am almost less scared of their rejection than my birthdad.
My sister and I are both adopted (from different bio fams, 5 years apart) and growing up I always mourned the loss of my bio parents, whereas my sister was very accepting and non-phased by her adoption, even though our circumstances surrounding our adoption were similar (both adopted at birth, closed adoptions). My parents sent me to a therapist as an adolescent and teen in hopes to help me process my feelings, but I just didn't understand why I couldn't have a relationship with my birthparents as well. This is not because I had a bad relationship with my adoptive parents at all, I love them dearly, but always longed for a connection with my bio mom and dad too. I was able to compartmentalize these feelings when I went to college (mostly through partying which numbed the pain) and tucked them away so tightly throughout my early 20s that I haven't faced my emotions surrounding my adoption in almost a decade. Boy, is it difficult. Especially given these circumstances. I am definitely going to check out those books in hopes that they will give me strength, thank you so much for the recommendations!! I would also be happy to hear any other thoughts, advice or suggestions you have. Again, from the bottom of my heart, thank you so much for your sincerity and help through such a trying time. :)
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Just wanted to welcome you, and add my support. Can't add much to what Dickons has said, but you are so not alone. I waited 16 years after finding my Bmom, due to a hereditary eye disease, to contatct my Bdad. Oh, my goodness, the fear. We are here for you if you need to talk. Wishing you the best.
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Kekeke,
Completely normal to be anxious now that you "did it" and come Monday at noon the anxiety will be stronger - completely normal - who wouldn't be?
I do want to caution you not to get your hopes up for an immediate answer because it will be a shock - even if it is a welcome shock. Some have got an instant reply, but others have waited a week or two and others several months - even when it is a welcome response. It's helpful to stop and think about how long you have been mentally preparing to do this and what you want to say etc. That kind of puts it into perspective even if they have waited to hear from you because they also knew you might not. If your father responds right away you are indeed lucky not to be on edge waiting...
As to what your mom shared with you - how amazing and how comforting to know they did that - no wonder you are optimistic. Sounds like you have a great support system in you mom to understand and get it. So wonderful.
Just remember to breathe and do whatever takes your mind off it when you start to worry. I find cleaning cupboards helpful...
So exciting...I have only positive thoughts for you right now. Truly and exciting time.
Cheers!
Dickons
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I am so happy to report that I got an immediate response from both my birth father and my maternal grandparents, as well as my maternal aunt-all positive. My birth father called me Monday morning as soon as he got the letter and told me he has been waiting for this moment his whole life. I truly cannot believe (although it totally makes sense) how profound of an impact placing me had on his entire life. As an adoptee, I sometimes felt as though I wasn't wanted and it is crazy to have the main player completely dispel this notion and set the record straight. He has also been telling me so much about my birth mother; what she was like, how much I looked like her and how much he always has and always will love her.
We met for lunch today and it went really well. It is hard for me, because he is so elated and loving to the point where it almost freaks me out because I am someone who has a hard time opening up, but I am super excited at the same time, albeit a bit nervous. I feel like hearing my birth father's pain about placing me has changed my view completely on how I view closed adoptions, because both he and I dealt with so much wondering and pain for so long. I am also trying to be very sensitive to the fact that he is reliving a lot of memories he has repressed for over two decades and I just really feel for him. I have lived my life through the lens of how this adoption impacted ME and this situation has given me a refreshing and confirming additional perspective.
My grandparents called and are thrilled and I will be going to meet them and my maternal aunt this weekend. I know it is still very premature in the process, but I can already tell that this is a time that I am going to remember for the rest of my life. Thanks again so much for all of your support!
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So happy for you. Congratulations :clap: :cheer:
kekeke23
I am so happy to report that I got an immediate response from both my birth father and my maternal grandparents, as well as my maternal aunt-all positive. My birth father called me Monday morning as soon as he got the letter and told me he has been waiting for this moment his whole life. I truly cannot believe (although it totally makes sense) how profound of an impact placing me had on his entire life. As an adoptee, I sometimes felt as though I wasn't wanted and it is crazy to have the main player completely dispel this notion and set the record straight. He has also been telling me so much about my birth mother; what she was like, how much I looked like her and how much he always has and always will love her.
We met for lunch today and it went really well. It is hard for me, because he is so elated and loving to the point where it almost freaks me out because I am someone who has a hard time opening up, but I am super excited at the same time, albeit a bit nervous. I feel like hearing my birth father's pain about placing me has changed my view completely on how I view closed adoptions, because both he and I dealt with so much wondering and pain for so long. I am also trying to be very sensitive to the fact that he is reliving a lot of memories he has repressed for over two decades and I just really feel for him. I have lived my life through the lens of how this adoption impacted ME and this situation has given me a refreshing and confirming additional perspective.
My grandparents called and are thrilled and I will be going to meet them and my maternal aunt this weekend. I know it is still very premature in the process, but I can already tell that this is a time that I am going to remember for the rest of my life. Thanks again so much for all of your support!
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I'm glad to hear things worked out. I was hoping they would; especially after reading about how caring your birthparents were while you were in the hospital as an infant. Take things slow. There will be emotions that will come like a tidal wave. Try to stay on top and give yourself a rest every now and again to process.
Good luck
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kekeke23
I am so happy to report that I got an immediate response from both my birth father and my maternal grandparents, as well as my maternal aunt-all positive. My birth father called me Monday morning as soon as he got the letter and told me he has been waiting for this moment his whole life. I truly cannot believe (although it totally makes sense) how profound of an impact placing me had on his entire life. As an adoptee, I sometimes felt as though I wasn't wanted and it is crazy to have the main player completely dispel this notion and set the record straight. He has also been telling me so much about my birth mother; what she was like, how much I looked like her and how much he always has and always will love her.
We met for lunch today and it went really well. It is hard for me, because he is so elated and loving to the point where it almost freaks me out because I am someone who has a hard time opening up, but I am super excited at the same time, albeit a bit nervous. I feel like hearing my birth father's pain about placing me has changed my view completely on how I view closed adoptions, because both he and I dealt with so much wondering and pain for so long. I am also trying to be very sensitive to the fact that he is reliving a lot of memories he has repressed for over two decades and I just really feel for him. I have lived my life through the lens of how this adoption impacted ME and this situation has given me a refreshing and confirming additional perspective.
My grandparents called and are thrilled and I will be going to meet them and my maternal aunt this weekend. I know it is still very premature in the process, but I can already tell that this is a time that I am going to remember for the rest of my life. Thanks again so much for all of your support!
Kekeke,
I am so happy for all of you. I hope you stick around because sometimes it becomes very overwhelming. I know you have a great support system not only with your spouse but your mom. When I met my aunt and got a picture of my mother - the first person I shared it with was mom who was just as amazed at the likeness as I was - my mom sounds a lot like your mom. I know I probably don't have to say this to you but want to put it here mostly for others - some parents need to know nothing changes...
Anyway - I realy can't say enough about how excited I am that your journey seems to be off to a great start and my wish is that it continues that way.
As to looking at closed adoption differently - yes - you will have many emotions about adoption and the practices in the coming weeks, months, and years. You will come out a better, stronger, more aware and rounded person. None of those feelings are wrong.
Kind regards,
Dickons
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So very, very, happy for you. Bfathers have feelings about the children they create too. My Bdad's emotional response was quite overwhelming, especially since, like you, I thought he didn't care. This is just the beginning, and ditto to what Dickons has said.
Best wishes, and again, so very happy for you.
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