What considerations do you think of when deciding OA?

Pics and a letter of how he's doing a few times a year. As for visits, that a hard one, u might have to see how things go first.

In this case, I would not have any personal contact including phone calls at least for the first year. This will give time for healing of Aman so that he can come to some understanding about what has happened(I recommend therapy). This time is vital to allow him to become comfortable and not have to face hearing her voice or seeing her and have that dredge up old feelings. In the meantime, I would think that providing her with pictures and updates twice a year would be ok. It is best to provide them through a private means such as a PO Box, or an email that you use only for the purpose of sending info to her alone. Whichever you feel gives you more security. When it comes to possibly having a personal visit in the future, you need to set up strict ground rules that she understands and agrees to. This is imperative if she is ever to have a visit. the last thing he needs is to have a visit and have her saying things that send him into a tail spin. Rules to consider are what she is not allowed to discuss, such as him coming home or anything that would challenge you as his parent. Other things to consider; types of gifts she can bring, who can accompany her to a visit, how far in advance does she have to plan the visit( does she have to call or how will you know the visit will take place, etc), if she misses the visit what are the consequences, if she is a substance abuser, what happens if she comes to a visit under the influence. Considering what you have said about her and her issues, I would find it unlikely that you could anticipate having a personal visit any time in the near future and dare I say it might be years.

Reading this... my first reaction was zero phone calls. Ever. Just really none. I think phone calls are one of the WORST ways ever for contact. It's so easy to throw a child into a tail spin with voice tone or something weird said.With that said, I think I would offer updates 6x a year. She really does NOT understand what she's done wrong, and with the MRR, how could she? Losing a child is a terrible loss. Every two months isn't much on the part of the actual parent. I think it is so far beyond what's usually offered, that it might seem like a lot to her, and certainly would seem like a lot to those counseling her.Visits? I'm just not sure. Aman will never forget her, so because of that she will be present in your life, no matter if they see each other or not.

I really think for Aman to have any sort of recovery from all of this and bond with you as his parent...he needs to have zero contact for awhile...but, you could be sending letters and updates...I really don't see her as being anything but toxic...

We have had small amounts of communication w/ our adopted kids bio family, our kids were older when we adopted them and there was significant damage that had already occurred. We lived in a small community and every time we would turn around bio mom was attempting contact in any way possible, when we moved, the kids started opening up more about their attrocious past... They then would let us know in shuttle ways they did not appreciate any contact with bio mom/dad Bio sister and grandparents were a different story and we had some visits with them and kept the kids very close to us throughout visits however those relationships fizzled out quickly grandma was inappropriate and lied to the kids right in front of us..... Sister basically became unhealthy and blew the kids off more than once in the end one of my adopted kids is 18 and has no contact w bio fam to our knowledge of her own doings last time we saw bio mom we walked right past her and she did not recognize nor acknowledge her own daughter..... She after walking past her daughter recognized me..... Our adopted son will not speak of them except to say that if he ever sees them again he wants to thank them for giving him a safe home and family as bio family is not safe at all and also very sick lots of mental illness in hind site we gave them a chance but I believe it was more damaging for the kids..... They would act out and withdrawal from us after seeing them.... We finally had to just say no more to keep our kids emotionally safe....

One more quick thing to add.... I agree with suggesting therapy.... It took lots of counseling and inpatient treatment for both of our kids to get through..... The safer they begin to feel with you the better....the healing doesn't truly begin until they can fully get away from the past unhealthy relationship and learn healthy relationships...... Then ya got to let go and let God take over.... You'll probably find out more once bio mom is out of the picture..... Also with our kids we sat in on the termination final visit as heart wrenching as it was at the time we were open to considering visits it wasn't until the whole truths came out and we discovered how truly afraid our kids really were did we realize no visits were best....

If my kids case goes to adoption, their bio mom is going to have the same feelings about TPR as Aman's bio mom. For that reason, it will probably be about 6 months to a year (or more) of NO contact between her and the kids. I will still allow her to contact me for updates, pictures, etc but I will not allow anything between her and the kids. When the 'new normal' settles if for everyone (her and the kids), then we can have more openness.