Found birth parents- looking for advice

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I have had a very good relationship with my paternal bio uncle and his wife and kids (my cousins). In many ways better than my relationship with bio father. However in more recent times bio father has been much, much better. My adoptive parents and my parents, no if and's or but's. What many people don't understand is that the whole adoption thing has NOTHING to do with your adoptive parents and the family you grew up with. They are your family just like any other family. The issues are what happened BEFORE you were adopted, not after. In fact our adoptive parents are truly the hero's as they picked up the peices and did the best to raise a baby that was essentially given to them already broken, and were told by many of the "experts" who handed over the baby that everything would be fine. In fact it is essentially a proven fact that a newborn who is taken away from its birth mother has abondonment issues, as stated by most psychologists who study this stuff. Also if it truly wasn't an issue then forums like this wouldn't exisist.

I loved your post because that's exactly how I feel. I have no hard feelings about being adopted, I've always known I was and its just a fact of life for me. My family will always be the people that raised me. I recently made contact with my biomom and my issue is that they (her family) are all now starting to make contact but by attaching terms like "mom", "aunt", etc. I don't want to be rude in any way, but my gut reaction is always, no, you're not my mom, you're not my aunt lol. Have you had this happen at all??

My thoughts exactly :)

MJ- being study your forum first I thank you for your understanding. My question is that will you want to meet them. Have you any desire to meet Them? if yes, then what is your first step to after meeting?

I had the same issue when I met my bio family. It was strange and weird to hear the words "father", "aunt" etc. Mostly father and/or mother. I don't say anything because to these people this is who they think they are, and what you are to them. You want to say something, but let it go because you cannot explain it to them in a way that won't be potentially hurtful to them, and there has been enough hurt already, reunions are and should be about coming together and having happy emotions.

Yes I agree about coming together to have happy emotions. That's what I envisaged and when I received the first letter from my birth daughter it was the happiest day of my life. I am a birth mother in reunion and while the letters from my birth daughter were warm after I met her she became like an interrogator. Even though we had been writing for 12 months and I had shared many personal details, once she came into contact with her birth father I was subjected to judgemental cross questioning. She always said the being adopted had never bothered her growing up… I feel that everyone would be affected in some way even if they are perfectly happy with their adoptive parents. I would recommend if I may, that you read up on reunion and even talk to a specialised adoption councillor and discuss the best way for you to handle reunion before meeting your bio-parents. For instance do you just want to meet them out of curiosity and for information or do you want an ongoing relationship?

Just FYI, the forums statement is invalid. Forums exist for everything. But yes, I read a similar opinion in a college magazine by an adopted professor. She never felt like she fit in anywhere, and even worse that her genes didn't align with her adopted parents. Such an arrangement left many questions, because the problem is that after a kid has been "grown" in another body, they still somehow know that they're associated with that body and not the adopted mother's. I had friends who were adopted, but they never met their birth family again. They have no interest in meeting them, either. [url=http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Meeting-the-Biological-Mother-The-Adoption-Files]Meeting the Biological Mother - The Adoption Files - Oprah.com[/url] [url]http://www.nytimes.com/2012/05/06/magazine/i-found-my-biological-parents-and-wish-i-hadnt.html?_r=0[/url]

I am a psychologist. There is not a substantial amount of good, peer reviewed research that proves the existence of this "primal wound" that people talk about. I don't doubt that some people have "abandonment issues," but it is far from a proven fact that this happens for all who are adopted.

Have you read the book by Nancy Verrier? Her qualifications include a masters degree in clinical psychology as well as being a mother to both a biological baby and an adopted baby. During Verrier's research she found over and over again that when looking at statistics of say addiction, or poor scholastic achievement, that an unusually high number of these people were adopted. Many of her theories ran true for me. There is very little that can be "proven" when talking about ANY mental/pyschological issue and I am not, nor was I ever trying to imply that ALL adopted people have the issues that Verrier writes about. However, I have met many adoptees as I was in a support group in Toronto when I was going through my search and reunion and it was surprising the common themes that many of us shared. I am not trying to "blame" all my life's issues on being abandoned at birth, and I certainly had a very nice life in my adoptive family and don't consider anyone else other than my adotive parents my parents/family, but there was a repetition of abandonment issues during Verrier's research that indicated there was "something missing" with people who were adopted. Just look at some of the comments that were posted on this board.

I have a 19 year old son that we adopted at birth. I was there for his birth and his birthmom was 16 at the time he was born. We kept in contact for a few years and recently connected again through facebook. She really wants to meet my son and we have encouraged our son to make plans to do that. He recently said it was "surreal" and isn't in a rush to meet her. We speak highly of her and know she has been looking forward to the day she can meet him again. We have shared with him that we would like to be there to see the reunion. He mentioned before that he wants to do it alone but is ok with us going. My question is-Is this something he should do on his own? We REALLY want to be a part just because we have had a relationship with her and I think it will be a beautiful thing to see but I don't want to interfere if he wants to do it alone. Any thoughts?

Individuals cope with things differently, and situations/family dynamics are individual as well. I do think a commonality is there can be quite a bit to think about when you were or are adopted! If you choose to think about it LOL Even if you have a picture perfect termination, adoption, search and reunion. (scratch the search part, cause these days picture perfect doesn't involve a search or a reunion with strangers) How we individually handle or process new information, emotions and new relationships at reunion is often a different matter. For me, several things came up that caused difficult thoughts and emotions for me during my search and reunion. Much of it was a surprise to me, and often confusing. It only makes sense to me that, for instance, someone who wasn't told until adulthood that they were adopted, or was told lies about the circumstances, or had a difficult search due to sealed records, or had no support from afamily during search and reunion, or was totally and rudely rejected at contact, or found a grave at the end of their long and hindered search ..... could find some anger, sadness, and other difficult feelings to deal with. And all of that can bring back some old emotions we may have not allowed for so long, or even remember having. My reunion with my father went so well I was shocked at the grief I felt. I got to see what I had lost in it all, and it was a lot. It took a while for that to pass, it's still a little sad, for me and my kids, and I imagine it always will be. I can no longer deny that my brothers are my brothers, my aunts are my aunts, because in reality they are, even if I didn't get to know them all along. I know them well now and I can't deny it. In my situation it became impossible to keep it distant any longer. I do believe that is our choice as adoptees to make for ourselves, how we think about things, it's not for anyone else to decide for us. To thine own self be true. And don't be surprised at or afraid of your truth changing a bit with new experiences!

Yeah...I don't get this..." they aren't my Aunts etc." Crikey I have aunts, uncles, cousins that I have never met but they are still my aunts, uncles and cousins!

In my opinion and someone who has gone through this it is best to let your son decide for himself. Tell him whatever way he wants to handle and deal with the scenario is up to him and you will support his choices. Although you know his b/m he doesn't, so maybe he wants to do this on his own at least at the beginning. I for one would have felt ever more weird meeting my bio family with my parents around, but was happy to introduce my bio family to my parents (and they were happy to meet them.

This seems pretty clear to me.