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Our AS had his 5th birthday party today. We were their foster placement and adopted them in April - so it is still somewhat new... even though they have been here almost 3 years now. Long story short, AD8 and AS5 haven't seen the father of their half brother (no relation to them) in about 2 years. When bio mom went to jail, she left the kids with him, and he dropped them at the babysitters - that was how they entered custody. Before mom went to jail, AD8 (then 4-5) saw A LOT of domestic violence/sex between the two of them. She had a lot of nightmares and self harm behaviors because of that. We haven't had to deal with those issues in a long time. AD has also started to talk about why she can't live with bio mom or half brother's dad in a matter of fact way about the DV rather than emotionally.
Anyway, we have kept an open relationship with the paternal grandparents of their half brother (who is 10 months younger than AS) to keep visits between the kids, and because AD & AS think of them as their grandparents. Visits have always been really good, and they have been respectful of our relationship with the kids. It has been 2 years since our kids have seen their half brothers dad because of the PTSD issues of AD. Well, at AS's birthday party, we invited Grandma, Grandpa, brother, but his dad showed up too. Grandma didn't ask me at all if he could come. She has asked once in the past but we said no. I am really peeved that we weren't consulted.
On a positive, AD and AS were thrilled he was there (although AS said he couldn't talk to him because he was a stranger... lol). They had a good time skating, etc. We made sure to take pics. She even asked him for his phone number so that she could call him.
My concerns are:
1. Will AD have issues/nightmares from seeing him?
2. I'm a little worried as AD considered him "dad" and want to make sure they are secure in us being their parents.
3. He mentioned that he isn't going to do a 3 way call with bio mom should AD call him as he didn't want to get involved (he used to do this when they first entered custody). We have only had letter contact with bio mom when they were in FC and none since adoption, although I would like to keep letters quarterly.
Anyone BTDT that can give me some good outcome advice? AD hasn't been in therapy for about a year. I am sure I am worrying about this far more than I should. And I know that a lot of it is just my insecurity of being mom forever that comes with adoption. I'm freaking out a little just praying there wont be any fallout.
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HI,
That was very inconsiderate of the grandparents to do that.also as this man is not related to the children,why should they have any contact with him?our ason knew his bmoms boyfriend,but we did not give him any privilges,such as contacting or seeing our son.who knows what memories and feelings might have been stirred up,be watchful.I would let grandparents know this is not acceptable and will not happen again. best of luck.
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We *might* be open to contact as:
1. they (AD) considered him to be her dad
2. he is the father of their half-brother, and now has custody of him... so it might not be possible to maintain a relationship with their half brother solely through the half-brother's grandparents (paternal - no blood relation to my AD/AS)
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I would have been livid. Especially after all ad had been through. I believe I would have asked him to leave and really had it out with the one who invited him. I wouldn't consider trying to have a relationship with him. It will most likely trigger issues with dd it just wouldn't be worth it. Why introduce him into her life now, a couple years later. But that is coming from a place where we have tried to maintain a relationship with a birth family member for over 7 years and the triggers it puts off in my daughter are just getting worse rather than better. It's very hard to break away from a relationship you've already been trying to work for so long and much easier to just not get into it from the begining. I wouldn't encourage the relationship I would just talk with the birthfamily and him and let him know that it was innapropriate for him to be there and that you don't want contact with him and then just let your daughter forget all about him.
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then just let your daughter forget all about him.
That may be easier said than done.
icehockey...it sounds like you are open to and willing to have some contact to maintain your daughter's relationship with her half sibling. We opened contact with our daughter's birthfather for the very same reasons and we now have a wonderful relationship with BDad and his partner and his Father {Grampa}. We also have a realtionship with half sister's Mom. They are like extended family to us and my daughter has a wonderful loving relationship with her half sister that they both CHERISH. They never lived together but they identify themselves as SISTERS.
sure we have had some bumps along the way but it is worth i for my daughter!! I would have a conversation with both the Grandparents and let them know that you want to decide who visits are with BEFOREHAND and that it wasn't their place to bring him. Then I would have a conversation with the siblings parent and let him know what you expect and that you are willing and wanting to have a healthy respectful relationship between the adults so that the siblings can have a healthy relationship. Start slow and see how it goes with everyone. It is such a gift of love that you can give your daughter so unless there are bigger reasons why not to I would do it.
BTW - in our family my daughter became MUCH more secure with my husband as Daddy and in her place in our family through the contact with her BDad and sister. I will say that she is usually a little grumpy right after visits and I have come to realize it is her processing her "stuff". To me that is not a negative......she is processing it now in bits and pieces with our love and support but she also has the benefit of her loving relationships with extended family - birth or otherwise.
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So far so good. I still haven't said anything to Gma. I am trying to find a tactful way. Not sure I want to see half brothers BD every month at visitation. But at least it seems to have gone ok for now. It is definitely a challenge trying to walk the line of boundaries in an open adoption from foster care...
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I think something very important to remember would be that little girls are very forgiving, but they don't forget. There will almost certainly be fallout, the only questions are when, and how bad will it be? I too would be VERY upset that this guy was invited, and had the nerve to actually come, and think it was OK. In my own experience, this is a very dangerous pot to stir, and although it can be so very difficult to maintain a good relationship with bio family, it has to be in the BEST interest of my kids to do so....person by person. If this person hurt her in the past, he could hurt her again. Bottom line you have to go with your heart. If it makes you wary, or worries you AT ALL....I would nix it now. Totally. 100%. Her health and happines, as well as your own, are more important than this guy that hurt her in the past.
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It has been a few weeks, and the testing has begun. For her its always escalate behaviors to see if there will be aggression or violence (she witnessed a lot of DV with birth mom and the BF), and testing if we really are there for her. It really can be tiring. Not sure if it is related to seeing the BF, but we believe it is because he has come up in conversation a lot. Sigh.
I was able to email Gma and told her that we needed to be told if BF would be there so we could determine if it would be beneficial for AD to see him or not. She apologized and said she understood, so that's at least a step in the right direction.
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