Struggling With Newly Adopted Baby - Advice Welcome

I don't really have any advice for you. But I do hope things get better. At least your able to catch this while the baby is still young. <hugs>

maybe repost under general adoption section....but in the meantime I think it is recommended to wear the baby in a baby carrier as much as humanly possible, play eye contact games, baby massage - maybe even co-sleep...you will get good advice in the other section

Agree. Get a good carrier and wear her all the time.

Ditto this. Wear that baby ALL the time, sing to her, handle her as much as possible....and yes, co-sleep---or at least have her in a crib next to your bed. Be there for all times; don't have anyone else baby-sit her for some time as she needs to know *you'll* be there for her when she needs you. As someone else said, at least you're getting her young enough that you can undo some of the attachment issues she's displaying. While it may seem like a struggle to some regard, truly, the more you hold/cuddle/soothe her regardless of her reactions----the faster and better her chances to attach and heal with you. Best of luck to you... Sincerely, Linny

My son was like this when we brought him home at fourteen months. He hit so hard it hurt. And he was always threashing around - kicking, biting, and he often clonked me with his head - right under my chin, knocking my teeth together. There was a lot of screeching and crying. Bedtime involved fussing for hours. He couldn't sleep with us because he kicked all night, and kicked hard. We had to put him in the crib and sleep in a recliner next to it. He just couldn't settle himself. I think it was caused by a combination of things - sensory issues combined with extreme anxiety. Besides a new family there are new surroundings, new routines, a new crib. It's stressful for a baby. Just hang in there. It will get better. She will get used to you. And make sure you don't make yourself feel bad by looking at other people's cuddly babies. I did that and often got depressed. You and your daughter had a totally different start to parenthood. You just need some time to catch up to everyone else.

Sensory issues popped into my mind as you describe her reaction.Wondered how things are going now?

Thank you for all of the thoughtful replies. I wanted to come back and give everyone an update. DD has now been home for four months and I'm sorry to report there has been little to no change. We are seeing an attachment therapist, but she has continually rejected me as a mother figure and wants dad only, all of the time. She rages uncontrollably day in, and day out. We had a two week period where it seems we had turned a corner. That was a month ago and since then things have deteriorated continuously. I am now in therapy for PTSD due to the trauma I've experienced with her violent outburst, and repeated and continued rejection of me. It's a very sad time in our home and I can only hope it will get better.

I'm sorry you are still having such a rough time-- and it probably doesn't help that you are probably around few if any Mom's who have ever had a child that constantly rejects them as a Mom. The only potentially saving grace here is that she is as young as she is. Our first wasn't as extreme as yours, but it did take the full amount of time with us that she'd been away (she came to us at 7mos) for me to feel like I was her Mom and that she loved me. I know others have suggested it, but wearing her is important, even though you'd rather put her down (especially since she screams either way!). I don't know what your therapist is suggesting around feeding, but I'd try to feed her as much as possible (you not Dad and minimal finger food) and put her back on the bottle as much as you can. If she likes juice, sweet things from the bottle can make it more tolerable for her. If she has a favorite food, make her take it only frm you. Perhaps the biggest two things you can do are #1 find another Mom or two who have been there done that, even online helps. They won't think you're crazy for thinking your baby doesn't want you and won't be critical when you admit you don't always want her either. Also, you won't have to listen to the "my kid did that at that age" and just want to scream NO THEY DIDN'T! The second thing: get your husbands buy-in. Be sure he's giving her to you frequently (even when yu'd rather he keep her!) and that you are doing all the personal care and feeding for her. It's only going to get harder the more she's content with him and the more he does for her cause it's easier, quieter and you don't have to deal with the screaming rejection again. It's a long hard road, but will be oh so worth it in the end if she can attach to you...

I can't imagine how hard this must be for you but I wanted to share the adoptee side of this. I was adopted under the age of 1. I wasn't comfortable with anyone. There are videos of me screaming bloody murder for hours on end if people would not leave me alone. I hated being held and messed with. I was very independent. I never had separation anxiety and I guess it just seems I was never attached but who knows. I am a 25yr old healthy adult who has healthy relationships. Although, I STILL do not like being touched. I will avoid it at all costs. If I am comfortable with someone now, I am fine with hugs and things like that but I have to know that person. Maybe it is a personality thing? It doesn't impede or intrude in my life at all.

As an adoptive mom to two younger boys and therapist. Go back and work on the attachment through theraplay. I have some cards that I can give you if you are able to pm with your regular email, unless I can attach here if you are interested? I use these in younger kiddos who are on teh attachment spectrum or who have been through trauma to attach. I did not see how old the kiddo was, sounds like an infant or young toddler. These are activities that you work on in about 10 sessions, and even if your child resists you need to keep bringing them back to the activity. For instance, three little piggys, peek a boo, rubbing lotion, etc. Games and activities that get the senses going, and also engage in the closeness.

I was just thinking about this with a baby in my daycare. She is a foster child and will most likely need an adoptive placement in a few months. I feel terrible about it, but there is no way I would adopt her. She is a beautiful baby! BUT, she screams bloody murder, arches her back, scratches at me, pulls my hair, and pushes my face away and there is nothing that comforts her. She is happy probably 30 minutes out of every 5 hour cycle (sleep, wake, happy, eat, scream, scream, scream, sleep) I have been praying for her that she will get better because I cannot imagine her adoptive parents will be able to attatch very well with her. Heck, I even wonder if this is why birthmom has given up her case plan. The baby apparently responds this way to everyone. Poor little thing. I keep wishing I could have some kind of revalation of what is wrong with her and fix it!:confused: So sorry you are going through this. What does the caseworker say???

Oh my gosh I am so sorry. I felt a little dramatic when the thought crossed my mind, but I now truly feel like I have PTSD from my adoption experience. 10 months and still not good. I am so sorry; i sincerely hope it gets better for you. I have heard people see changes even after one whole year! I hope you are within that range. good luck :(

Thought I'd come back and give another update since so many of you offered support. Ten months (almost 11) home and not much has changed. She is more cheerful, but overall it feels like we are babysitting a very moody and unhappy child who would rather be anywhere else than here. She is extraordinarily restless, always moving, screeching, hitting, biting, pinching, etc.... Each day I'm filled with regret, but we do our best to continue to meet her needs and hope someday down the line, things will be better. Hope others are having more positive experiences and forward movement. I'll try to check in more often.:)

I'm so glad you posted an update, especially since you must be exhausted. I wanted to share with you that after a very long hard road with my daughter, I've learned that nearly all of her struggles with raging and hitting and moodiness were all biological. I still think she has some loss related challenges, but they are small and since she is doing better, are very manageable. We are now gluten free, dairy free and following the Feingold diet which removes all synthetic additives from what you eat or use for personal care, and my daughter - now 8, is a different child. I don't think that this approach will work for every child, but it's made such a difference for mine that I wanted to put it on your radar screen. An excellent reference book is "What's eating your child?" By Kelly Dorfman. I do wish you all the best and please keep letting us know how you are.

Oh my goodness. I am so sorry you are going through that. We went through that with everyone BUT me (mom). She seemed to hang on to me as a lifeline - like a survival thing. But everyone was not only chopped liver but a huge terrifying intrusion into her life. For over 6 months. I can't imagine how exhausting and sad and frustrating this must be for you. You say she came to you at 8 months. Where was she before then? Did she bond to a previous caregiver, or was she passed around with no primary caregiver? that makes a huge difference. I was a moody, hard-to-please child. Parents say I was funny and often happy, but very sensitive, emotionally over-sensitive, and would get upset easily. I did not like to cuddle, was easily irritated, and often watched from the outside. I am still that way. And I wish more was known then and my parents would have taken me to therapy, because I do think there is much of life that I miss out on because of my discomfort levels. they figured that's just the way I was. But I was very aware of the way I was, and very much did not want to be that way, but could not change. I have no new advice for you. Just keep working with a therapist. Do not stop. Maybe look around for a new or additional one if you are not getting the help or answers you need. We now have two. They are VERY different form each other - one is more clinical and one is crazy. Seriously, I think she is very strange, but my daughter loves her and seems to respond to her and delights in telling her how she feels and about how she views her life. I don't think that therapist helps me very much in strengthening attachment or helping my daughter through her stuff, but I then relay what we share in our sessions to our other therapist, and she is excellent with play therapy and giving advice to me on what I can do at home to encourage things we are working on. I can only send hugs your way and ope things get better for you! - Juliana