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I know there is very little anyone can do for me here. I guess I'm just venting a little frustration. My daughter, who was diagnosed with RAD, has had TWO actual asthma episodes, which required medication, in the last three years. She hadn't had an episode since about a year and a half ago. For the last year, she hasn't even mentioned having any difficulty breathing. In fact, the only reason she knows she even has an inhaler now is because the old one expired and I just wanted to have a fresh one available should she need it, and she saw the packaging.
Like I said, it's been over a year since she had an actual problem.... Until now. I've had to take a new job which has me working various 2nd and 3rd shifts. Instead of me taking her, my husband has been taking her to soccer practice this summer. He refuses to accept her RAD diagnosis because of his own guilt (she is his biological child). Despite having proof of things that have happened to her, information straight from the caseworkers and her physician, he refuses to acknowledge it. He won't even discuss there is a possibility that her biological mother neglected, abused, and allowed others to abuse this child. He refuses to acknowledge that anything happened to her, ever. He won't attend any counseling sessions with her and won't speak to her therapist.
Back to the subject; Since I have been working these shifts, she has had near daily "attacks". To be blunt, she is faking. However, Daddy, who refuses to accept her emotional issues, is right there rushing to the rescue with the inhaler. When I have been able to attend her practices, or she has had to go with a team mate to practice, no "attacks" are mentioned. On a couple of occasions, I've showed up mid game or practice, when she doesn't know I'm coming, and caught her in her act. No wheezing /stridor and an O2 sat at 99% (I'm a nurse and I keep my stethoscope and pulse ox in my car. Having worked in the ER for many years, I have some experience in faking vs the real deal). No real symptoms, just hyperventilating, chest heaving, and breathlessly drama filled pleas, asking for her inhaler.
And now, she's doing it at least a few times a week at school. I've left work (again, brand new job), or had to get up and go to the school on an hours worth of sleep, only to get to school the school and find her faking. If she didn't have those two actual episodes, I'd chuck the dang inhaler out the window. If she didn't do this just for the attention, and truly had breathing issues on a routine basis, I'd send one to school. But I can't. The school district has only 3 nurses for 18 buildings so we're left with the school secretary to administer medications to the students most of the week. If I sent an inhaler to school, my daughter would be in the office every hour just so she could have that extra attention she craves. The damage she could do to herself by being allowed to abuse her inhaler..... I hazard to even think about.
The only day I'm free of this is the one or two days there is a nurse on duty at the school. When the nurse is there, she can't get away with the faking. In fact, she's been seen coming to the office, sometimes being literally held up/carried by/escorted to the clinic by her teacher, all breathless and chest heaving, and miraculously, when she sees the nurse there in the office, she's immediately "cured".
Can I also add that when these "attacks" happen, she calls her father's cell phone first, then the house (because he doesn't work away from the house every day), then her father's cell phone (if he didn't answer the first time), and continues this rotation, all the while, knowing I am home, she never calls my cell phone. She (and my other kids, husband, and my parents) knows to call my cell phone if they need me because I don't answer the house phone if I'm trying to sleep. She is doing this so it's less likely that I will be the one to go to the school. She is a master at manipulating her father and others who aren't aware of her issues or are likely to act like he does.
I probably sound harsh and jaded. I know I do. However, from experience with her, being the trusting, loving, and attentive mother that I DESPERATELY want to be for her, the kind of mother I get to be with my other three, with her, it gets me nothing and nowhere. With her, I have to be rational, consistent, and business-like. Can I say I hate RAD parenting? I just want the sweet kiddo that I know she can be, and not worry about being manipulated and falling into the same trap her father is in.
Arrrrrggghhhhh
And I know I rambled a bit, but today I got TWO hours of sleep before the calls started, so I'm ticked off, can't sleep, and I have to go back in to work tonight.
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It could be stress too... I have asthma, and don't have many attacks anymore (had none for 5 years until one sent me to the hospital for 4 days), but I have a lot of 'I can't fill my lungs' problems. I try to take deep breaths but can't seem to fill my lungs completely, even though my oxygen level is fine (it happened to me two days ago actually when I woke up from my surgery and I had an oxygen monitor on me). My doctor said it's because of anxiety... and I do feel that I need my inhaler when it happens too... no wheezing or anything, just the feeling that I can't breathe.Anyway, I'd mention it to her doctor. Maybe they can give her something to relax her a little bit or something...
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Oh, bleh. That stinks.
What do you do when you show up and find out she is faking the attack? Maybe there is something there that you could tweak to make the fake attacks less attractive to her. Like, you show up with her inhaler and an ice cream bar. If it's a real attack, you treat it and the two of you split the ice cream. If it's fake, you get the ice cream bar all to yourself. RAD kids hate to see the disliked parent get treats, so this sort of approach sometimes works.
Whatever happens, hugs to you. RAD is not fun.
I would consider the anxiety as a potential cause (and I do look for that as a cause), if she didn't turn right around and act completely normal once she's busted. She does have anxiety issues, but when she's experiencing those, her demeanor and body language is completely different. When she's experiencing anxiety, her facial expression shows panic, her voice changes, and her muscles are tensed. When she's faked an attack, she'll take off running back to the other side of the soccer field, and she's loose and acts silly, to try to redirect any consequences. Like as if she's played a practical joke. The problem is, it's not a funny joke... especially when she causes school staff to panic.
Usually, I just matter of factly tell her she's fine, and that she needs to get back out to the sideline with her team. She never comes out of the game when they are playing. Rather, she waits until the break time between game play. She loves playing the game too much to stop and come off the field. Folks with breathing problems don't have that kind of speed immediately prior to and immediately after having a true issue. I may try that treat trick. She loves raisinettes....
Sorry that you are going through this :(
Maybe you could develop a plan of action with your DH and the school teacher. The teacher should have DD sit quietly in her seat for 5 min to "rest" or allow her to use a water bottle in the classroom. For games, tell her that if she has "episodes" during games, she will have to sit out the rest of the game and watch her friends play, followed by limited activity at home. As for the phone calls, the school needs to limit them. Does she carry a cell on her? That could be halted during school hours. Does she have an IEP at school? This plan of action could be addressed in it and then everybody involved has to follow it.
I had a brother who loved to fake asthma attacks for attention or get out of stuff. I think what finally helped was telling him that since he was having them daily he could not play sports and he needed extra rest. After an attack he was required to rest and could not play with us. The biggest problem is you and your husband not being on the same page. I have a kid with RAD too and they love to triangulate and are really good at messing up marriages.
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Could you call her on it? Let her know that you both know that she is faking it and then Keep the inhaler in your purse and announce that you are SO CONCERNED that you will only attend to her yourself, complete with medical gear and coming home from work. If it is fake she will need to do payback chores....scrubbing toilets, picking up dog poop etc...if it is real then no problem.
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Would be to figure out her unmet need. Hard, I know. Probably it's simply attention. According to many experts you should meet her need for attention in this as well as every other way possible.
Then you start a dialog of "I have been wondering how come your asthma attacks have been happening so much lately". And... I am thinking you might be having asthma attacks because you wish we could be you more or you want us to be close to you, paying attention to you. Let that sink in a while, maybe even a few days. While you keep tending to her "asthma attacks"
Then bring it up again "remember how I was thinking about your asthma attacks... I was thinking we could spend some time together doing x. I was wondering if that was something you'd be interested in."
It may take several weeks but I think you may see a decrease in her need for this type of attention. It will allow her to save face, minimizing shame, and have a little sliver of self awareness...
She is angry that I've had to go to work on a different schedule. She constantly criticizes me when I have to go to work. Previously, I worked 3 12 hour shifts a week at night. I had to take a new job that is now 4 - 6 8 hour shifts a week. The asthma attacks started in June, when I started the new job. June, July, and August, I worked 2 - 10p (not by choice). This is when the "attacks" started coming frequently.
This month I primarily worked 10p - 6a (with a few 2 - 10p's thrown in), and the "attacks" started to lessen. However, having gone 3 months with Daddy catering to her demands, this month has been spent getting her behaviors back under control. Unfortunately, I have to go back to 2 - 10p for October, and possibly part of November, and I know this issue won't go away, and likely will get worse, before I am able to get back to the 10p - 6a shift permanently.
We've discussed that I have to work to pay our bills and that I have no control over the shift I am assigned while I am on the 180 day probation period. That doesn't make a difference to her. I have made plans and special effort to do things just with/for her, and she'll be good for that day, but as soon as our time is over, she's back to the same attention seeking behavior as before.
I do call her on it. This is part of the issue. Daddy won't. I've tried to explain to him that he is allowing her to damage her lungs and potentially her heart by allowing her to abuse the inhaler. It's not just allowing her to use it when she doesn't need it, it's allowing her to use it more often than it is even prescribed. It's just easier for him to give in to what she wants rather than deal with the screaming fits she throws when she doesn't get her way.
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I haven't taken her to a pulmonologist yet. These episodes didn't start until I started the new job. The insurance will kick in after the 180 days, so after that point, that is something I will pursue.
She has been in counseling. However, her therapist is not readily available. The last two sessions were cancelled and we found out when we showed up for the appointment. I'm not sure if this is related to our being without insurance or not. The account is paid in full. The two times I have gotten her in and it wasn't cancelled, I've paid the whole fee out of pocket. I did notice they don't charge as much when there is no insurance. I don't know if that has anything to do with the cancelled appointments or not. When she has a crisis, we might get a call back 2 or 3 weeks later. Again, once the insurance is in effect, one of my first tasks will be finding a new therapist.
I have asthma. I have silent asthma. You won't hear me wheeze. That's because my small airways are inflamed not my large ones. That's why it's called silent asthma. I experience a tightness in my chest, sometimes I cough, sometimes I don't. Sometimes it's just uncomfortable to breathe. I know it's silent asthma because I've had a spirometry during these symptoms. I've had medical personnel on charity walks tell me it wasn't an asthma attack because they didn't recognize my symptoms.I would hesitate to assume, regardless of other issues that she's faking these attacks until you've been to a specialist and has a spirometry done to measure her pulmonary function. My doctor can tell I have asthma even when I'm not having an attack. It's an underlying chronic condition and as you know depending on it's severity may need maintenance medication or may be fine just being handled with a rescue inhaler.When I was younger, I wheezed. Everyone could hear it. But now, I rarely wheeze. It is possible of course, that she's having anxiety or panic issues. But asthma is a complicated disease. The spirometry is really the best way to tell what's going on. If you get to a point where your O2 level is showing depressed, in my opinion, you have let the attack go too long. Improperly managed asthma can be fatal.
Another quick thing - asthma can be aggravated by stress, mine is worse when there's more stress in my life.
And, asthma changes. It's not always the same. Just because you were in a period of good control, doesn't mean you'll always stay that way. It ebbs and flows.
Please don't take this as criticism. I understand you are in a very difficult position, I just wanted to share some of my knowledge based on living with asthma for almost 30 years.
Good luck to you and I hope that things get better.
My youngest son has RAD and asthma. It is a pain to walk that fine line. Thankfully I witnessed his actual attacks so, like you was able to see the difference between when he was actually having the attack and faking for attention. When he had the fake attacks, I treated him as if it was real, but then let him know that his lungs needed to rest for the rest of the day. He had to sit on the couch (with no tv) or go where I went so that I could be sure he wasn't having another attack or hurting his lungs with too much activity. Didn't take long for that to stop but it did get worse before it stopped. Makes a difference that my hubby was on board. I can't imagine how hard it is with your hubby not supporting this diagnosis. Have you tried having him read books by Gregory Keck or Nancy Thomas, etc?
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When I had to have the prescription refilled at the end of May(because it expired), I took my daughter to her pediatrician. They did a spirometry test on her. Her results were within normal limits. The x-ray actually showed improvement and nothing at all to indicate any worsening of her lungs.
As I mentioned earlier, she has not had a single complaint of dyspnea for about a year and a half, until she saw the inhaler, and I began to work the new job from 2p to 10p. In less than one week after seeing the inhaler, she was having daily "attacks". For her, this is more about attention. It doesn't matter if she's getting "good" attention or "bad" attention, all attention is what she craves. She expresses a desire to take medication. Her brother takes daily medication for ADD. This brings him attention (at least in her view, for her brother and for me, it's a pain in the butt, but necessary). She has expressed clearly that she thinks he's lucky and WISHES she had to take daily medication like he does.
A couple of times a year, she gets a huge blister on her lip. If I don't catch it on the first day it's pink, the blister covers her upper lip. On these occasions, you would think she won the lottery. Most people would dread having a huge blister on their face. Not my daughter. When this happens, she then gets to take her own medication 3 times a day for 5 days, and she makes it a huge production for those days. Once she gets her own prescription bottle, it must take center stage on the entertainment center. If anyone comes over, she points out that the bottle is for her, and she explains the reason, the times she has to take it, and for how long she has to take it. She'll even brag to neighbors and friends at school that she has to take medication. Her obsession with taking medication scares me given her biological mothers addictions. And it is an obsession.
If these attacks occurred randomly (meaning not just at school or not when Daddy is home/at practice with her(and I'm not there)), or if the tests performed when we had it refilled didn't show improvement, I wouldn't be as frustrated. I'm hoping that once I can take her to the pulmonologist, he/she gives her a clean bill of health so we can give that thing the old heave ho.
My husband won't read anything other than Sports Illustrated or the newspaper, won't watch anything but ESPN, and he won't touch the computer. I'm pretty much on my own here.
I know there is very little anyone can do for me here. I guess I'm just venting a little frustration. My daughter, who was diagnosed with RAD, has had TWO actual asthma episodes, which required medication, in the last three years. She hadn't had an episode since about a year and a half ago. For the last year, she hasn't even mentioned having any difficulty breathing. In fact, the only reason she knows she even has an inhaler now is because the old one expired and I just wanted to have a fresh one available should she need it, and she saw the packaging.Like I said, it's been over a year since she had an actual problem.... Until now. I've had to take a new job which has me working various 2nd and 3rd shifts. Instead of me taking her, my husband has been taking her to soccer practice this summer. He refuses to accept her RAD diagnosis because of his own guilt (she is his biological child). Despite having proof of things that have happened to her, information straight from the caseworkers and her physician, he refuses to acknowledge it. He won't even discuss there is a possibility that her biological mother neglected, abused, and allowed others to abuse this child. He refuses to acknowledge that anything happened to her, ever. He won't attend any counseling sessions with her and won't speak to her therapist.Back to the subject; Since I have been working these shifts, she has had near daily "attacks". To be blunt, she is faking. However, Daddy, who refuses to accept her emotional issues, is right there rushing to the rescue with the inhaler. When I have been able to attend her practices, or she has had to go with a team mate to practice, no "attacks" are mentioned. On a couple of occasions, I've showed up mid game or practice, when she doesn't know I'm coming, and caught her in her act. No wheezing /stridor and an O2 sat at 99% (I'm a nurse and I keep my stethoscope and pulse ox in my car. Having worked in the ER for many years, I have some experience in faking vs the real deal). No real symptoms, just hyperventilating, chest heaving, and breathlessly drama filled pleas, asking for her inhaler. And now, she's doing it at least a few times a week at school. I've left work (again, brand new job), or had to get up and go to the school on an hours worth of sleep, only to get to school the school and find her faking. If she didn't have those two actual episodes, I'd chuck the dang inhaler out the window. If she didn't do this just for the attention, and truly had breathing issues on a routine basis, I'd send one to school. But I can't. The school district has only 3 nurses for 18 buildings so we're left with the school secretary to administer medications to the students most of the week. If I sent an inhaler to school, my daughter would be in the office every hour just so she could have that extra attention she craves. The damage she could do to herself by being allowed to abuse her inhaler..... I hazard to even think about. The only day I'm free of this is the one or two days there is a nurse on duty at the school. When the nurse is there, she can't get away with the faking. In fact, she's been seen coming to the office, sometimes being literally held up/carried by/escorted to the clinic by her teacher, all breathless and chest heaving, and miraculously, when she sees the nurse there in the office, she's immediately "cured".Can I also add that when these "attacks" happen, she calls her father's cell phone first, then the house (because he doesn't work away from the house every day), then her father's cell phone (if he didn't answer the first time), and continues this rotation, all the while, knowing I am home, she never calls my cell phone. She (and my other kids, husband, and my parents) knows to call my cell phone if they need me because I don't answer the house phone if I'm trying to sleep. She is doing this so it's less likely that I will be the one to go to the school. She is a master at manipulating her father and others who aren't aware of her issues or are likely to act like he does.I probably sound harsh and jaded. I know I do. However, from experience with her, being the trusting, loving, and attentive mother that I DESPERATELY want to be for her, the kind of mother I get to be with my other three, with her, it gets me nothing and nowhere. With her, I have to be rational, consistent, and business-like. Can I say I hate RAD parenting? I just want the sweet kiddo that I know she can be, and not worry about being manipulated and falling into the same trap her father is in.ArrrrrggghhhhhAnd I know I rambled a bit, but today I got TWO hours of sleep before the calls started, so I'm ticked off, can't sleep, and I have to go back in to work tonight.