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So real quick summary we have a 5 yr old foster daughter, have had her for 9 months. Her birth parents signed voluntary termination in June, did not resend, so her TPR hearing is Oct. Visits use to be twice a week, then once a week, then everytwo weeks, not they are monthly. So last week birth mom emailed me to confirm and then said she wanted to discuss the post adoption agreement. Now originally I was open to more contact and visits as she has many siblings. But as the months progressed and my daughter started talking about her nightdreams as she calls them. I believe contact would be detrimental to her. She wakes up screaming after visits and has a rough time for about 3 days. Now I have never told the birth family this as I didn't think it was relivent for them. She deals with it in therapy. So for months I have been telling birth parents we only want to put minimum in the agreement so we can see what our daughter wants, I wont comit her to anything. As of now she doesn't want to see them. SO birth mom wants agreement to say 3 physical visits a year, video chatting monthly and then phone calls! WHAT? No way! First of all I have to provide all transportation as they don't drive, and given my husband career we may need to relocate in the furture. So no.
BUT, I am so afraid they can stop the TPR I plan to call the caseworker, my lawyer and the lil ones lawyer as well on Monday. But I can't sleep, I can't eat, I am so nervous! I was hoping maybe someone could just help ease my mind. I believe in the state of Pennsylvania adoption agreements are optional and that once the 30 days is pass they can't stop the procedings? ANy advice or help would be appreciated! I need to do what is best for my daughter, when she is older and healed she can then decide.
Thanks
Shoshy
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The TPR is based on the fact that the parents cannot care for the child. Your agreement for post-adoption contact is a separate matter.Maybe offer updates/pictures twice a year, and expect pictures back of siblings. You can see how your dd matures, and schedule some physical visits in the future. Video and phone calls? Seriously? Does she think you are a boarding school or something? :)Please keep that door open for sib contact--she' five now, she cannot know how important that connection will be in the future.
If this is going to be a legally binding thing than I would definatly get the therapist involved in helping everyone involved see that visits, or any "direct" contact will not be in your childs best interest. If I had to agree to anything I would agree to the minimum of 1 letter/pictures a year but I would also make it conditional upon birthfamily sending pictures updates once a year as well and if they do not comply stopping the letters until the they are ready to do so again.
I would not agree to so many visits either. I would only agree to pictures and letters and something that stated you want to have physical visits at your discretion based on the needs of your daughter. I would also suggest that you be honest with them and let them know that right now less visits are better as your daughter processes and grieves. Nine months is a very, very short time. I would consider spacing the visits out more and more for the first couple of years and then increasing them as everyone finds their place in the new relationship. This may be over the next four or five years.
Also - I just wanted to point out that it is very normal for a child to have a negative reaction after visits. That doesn't mean that you should stop contact or visits all together. It means that your child is processing her losses. She needs to do that, she is grieving and she will need to do that in order to heal.
SM
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We are also working on an open adoption agreement with my little guy's mom. She wanted lots of visits (at least quarterly) and phone calls. We said no. We would only offer 1 visit a year and no phone calls (ever!). She was not happy, but I need to look after the best interests of our little guy not hers. Also the first visit will be at least 1 year after her last visit with him. She did not show to the last couple visits after tpr and therefore dhs stopped all visits. The way adoption works here the adoption will not be finalized until the spring or summer. The agreement will not go into effect until them.I do feel bad for her, but on the other hand so made her choices. And these choices led to her not being able to parent him. He is not first child she has lost the right to parent.