Getting a little concerned...

It is important to understand that kids in the system at that age (99% of the time) didn't have good parenting until age 11 or 12 and then suddenly have one traumatic incident that resulted with them in foster care and available for adoption. By the time a child reached age 12 or 13, they have usually had MULTIPLE placements (many caregivers, sometimes with no attachment sometimes with disrupted attachments), a disrupted education and have suffered more loss, abuse, trauma and grief than most people experience in a life time. If they are IN foster care and available for adoption to a stranger, that means their current foster parents aren't willing to adopt them and not a single member in their extended biological families or "kin" (friends etc) is capable or willing to adopt. Imagine the level of dysfunction that takes that NOONE is willing to adopt them. Most often, as you will see in here, kids of that age are no longer willing to trust - and the concept of attaching, thriving and loving as a family member isn't even possible when you are biologically wired to detach, and become an adult. You will read many, many stories of people on here who go in with the best intentions, skills and a ton of love, who walk out the other side battered, beaten and heartbroken (and often broke). My absolute best advice is that when you read about incidents, stories or extreme behaviors do NOT tell yourself any excuse (Oh that wont happen to me, I have more skills, more experience, I will be smarter, I have more patience, my caseworker is trustworthy, I wont adopt a kid with THOSE issues --- etc etc etc) INSTEAD when you read those stories, tell yourself "Can I handle THAT every single day?" "What community resources can I access that will handle THAT behavior"

I agree with Jensboys. I used to work in a foster care program and placed children with foster parents. The most difficult cases that I saw were when parents raised bio kids and then became foster parents to help children in need, thinking that love would cure all. After all, they had already raised children, and successfully. Almost inevitably, they gave up, because the kids' behaviors were too much, because they felt they were trying and the kid wasn't (read up on attachment disorders if you are at all interested in fostering and/or adopting an older child), because they were giving a lot of love and getting none in return. I think that each child is different. Each child has his/her own history, each child reacts to that history in his/her own way. I HAVE seen it work. But you need to go into it with your eyes wide open. And be honest about what you can and can't handle in a placement. With your worker, but most of all, with yourself.

Thanks for the replies. Do you think the chances are higher with a younger, say under 8, child to have a better chance at success, or do you have to go really young?

In my opinion... The younger the better. But there are exceptions to every rule. And, every child has a different past, with a different reaction to that past.

i'm not even sure i can add to what jensboys has already said. my son was 4. he'd had a ton of stuff happen to him--the last thing cost him about 1/4 of his foot. he had a teen in his life who delighted in terrorizing him. his adults did not or could not do the things necessary to keep him safe. he was either neglected or beaten. he was feral--no real language, no understanding of rules, ate like an animal. he has RAD that's so very close to completely healed now (something i began to doubt would ever happen) but i know that door can pop back open in the future. now? wonderful kid--smart, funny, cute as heck, kind, usually considerate--and also still hurt. like i said, it can pop open. my daughter? given away and taken back multiple times. failure to thrive. screamed owowow if you even looked at her. now? glued to me, the child of my heart, my sweet baby. the little girls living here right now? 8 and 7. think of every kind of evil thing that can happen to a kid. then multiply it. put it all together and you might get a fraction of what they've been through. they're not doing well at all. in fact, it's so not well that they're causing my son and his sister emotional pain and regression. let me just say this: your stepson may not have had the most wonderful mom in the world, but apparently she did something right. he was able to attach to you and learn to love you. when our kids come to us at any age they've already had a serious break in the family. some have been badly physically hurt. some severely neglected. some have experienced things no human should ever know about let alone childen. they are wounded. their actions are often born from their pain. knowing that makes it understandable. it does not make it easier. if you think you want to continue on this path, then do it. just do it with your eyes wide open knowing that you really do know nothing--just like the rest of us when we started. at the time when i started fostering, i had an 18 yr old son. he was born to us. he has bipolar and ODD. i thought i knew exactly what it was like to be a special needs mom. i was foolish. i only knew what it was like to parent a special needs kid with whom i had an emotional connection. the ones who come to you through foster care have no attachment to you, may have good reasons to keep you at arms length, and very little filter on what they say and do to you when their pain gets the better of them. i like jens' advice--think about whether or not you can live with the stuff you read about on here. when we adopted Bubba at 6 there were no guarantees he'd get any better--and by then he'd been here 2 years. but by then we loved him, so i knew that even if it stayed the same, it would be enough. it would also be enough if he got worse--because that, too can happen. go visit with the agency or CPS of your choice. talk with some foster parents in real life--see what it's really like. then ask yourself if it will be enough. the dreams about helping a needy kid find himself? nice dreams. the reality is sometimes a bit grittier. and often worth the effort.

Our family has adopted a lot o times. We've seen the best and worst of adoption. IMO, the younger, the easier. When youi adopt a very young child (even a special needs baby...and no, you're not too old to do this if you've considered it).......you have those bonding memories to fall back on. When you adopt a very young child, you have teachable moments---even if you're battling a child's emotions damaged by attachment disorders, there will still be valued moments where the young child will have to depend on you---and this helps when later dealing with extreme behaviors brought from abuse of any sort. When you adopt an older child....you can try in your mind to go back to how that child might/would have been; but the fact remains-you can't. IMO, a child who is beyond the age of 18mos is very much set in their patterns and ways. True, there will be exceptions, but overall, parenting an older child is SO very different than 'regular parenting'. Additionally, when adopting an older child, you run the risk of the child accusing you of abuse. (We never personally had this happen, but you can read enough horror stories here; as well as people we've known who've had to go through the grueling process IRL.) While I agree there is SUCH a need for adoptive parents to older kids, it's VERY common for caseworkers to tell people how great they'd be with teens----because that need is so intense. But if you're set on adopting older kids, do as Jen suggested, don't consider that 'no child I bring into this home would do that', or, 'My caseworker knows I couldn't handle that so will look out for my best interests', or, 'I know my skills will bring out the best in any kid, etc' Because while all of that may be good and true; the fact remains these kids are a type all their own. The only way to survive sometimes is by having excellent resources to back you up, an excellent support system (personally) to take the child/kid when you think you're at the end of your rope. Truly, while parenting is a tough job with any child, parenting hurt, older children is a league all its own. Good luck to you in whatever decision you choose. Sincerely, Linny

Thanks for all the replies, I think I need to really think about what I am going to do. I might choose to foster first, decide if this is something I can/want to handle. I would really love to adopt a baby, but they told me the chance of that is almost non-existant through the system.

Personally, I don't think you can assume that younger is better. I've seen this system both as a social worker and as an adoptive parent and I think there are a range of kids at all ages. There are very young children who are already terribly hurt and may never be normal, and there are older children who have been through hell and are suprisingly normal. In many ways I think a younger child is more risky because some problems might not show up until later, where with an older child, provided you go into it with your eyes open, you have a pretty good idea what you're getting. My daughter came home at 9. She had quite a few placements and was labelled as severely disturbed because she was acting out despite being in a "wonderful pre-adopt home." As we eventually found out, she was being abused in that wonderful preadopt home and her acting out improved tremendously once she was out of there. She had some moderate emotional and behavioral issues in the first year home, and is now as normal a teenager as you could ever want to see. Her biological brother is 22 and is now living with us after aging out of foster care. He was never adopted, not because he was some kind of difficult kid who was unplaceable, but mostly because his worker saw him as "hard to place" being a black boy over the age of 10. So she never tried. He went from living with his addicted, neglectful mom, to growing up in foster care where he was moved around, abused, and at best ignored. He's a great kid. I think so many people think the younger the better, but there are kids who come to their families at an older age, having been through a lot of trauma, and yet can do well. I hate to see them written off. My recommendation with an older child is, talk to the foster parent directly and find out what day to day life with that child is like. They can give you a realistic idea of who that child is. Whether the child is 2 or 17, then ask yourself, how would I do with the issues they are seeing day to day? If the issues that are there today never get better, would I want to be their parent? Don't assume that just because they're young, you can change it. But also don't assume, just because they're older, that they can't be a wonderful addition to a family.

As a rule of thumb, I would say the younger the better. BUT, that is a rule of thumb, NOT a guarantee. My DD came home at 1.5 years old. And she has attachment issues that are ongoing that have been ongoing for over 4 years now. However, her being young has had some major advantages. When she was small and was raging, I could hold her in restraint with no chance of her hurting herself or hurting me. She just started kindy this month and until now, I've had a lot of control over the size of her class, her care providers, etc. I got her on an IEP when she was 3 so she could have extra support and an easier transition into full day school. Things like that, her age has helped. IMO, it totally depends on the kid. The ones with the hardest time, IMO, are the kids who've been neglected and the ones with organic difficulties such as FAS.

Bossman, We've had three kiddo's in our home, one placed at birth (now adopted), one placed at 6/7weeks old (soon to be adopted) and one placed at 7mon. Our first was an amazing baby and we were told a month in he was adoptable (we were licensed less than a week before his birth). Our second was a nightmare baby who we wanted to disrupt on, but didn't and were blessed to discover that we could adopt (when he was 6mon old and the drug filled breast feeding ended--which resulted in him being a beautiful/thriving/amazing toddler). Our third was not exposed to anything and had no special needs---and was ironically our most difficult child... because of the parenting (or lack thereof) that occurred prior to arrival. We still worry for her, but are aware she's "home" with her bio mother (who didn't harm her, but was not particularly putting the child's needs first). Every kid and every situation is different... we have friends who "lucked out" in getting an amazing 11yr old boy that was a blessing to their family--still a great (as great as can be) teen who gives them minimal issues. We've dealt with teens in the system who, when given respect and a listening ear, have made great strides. Not every kid will fall in the blanket statement of "difficult" and not every baby will fall in the blanket statement of "easy". ...educate yourself, get to know the situation/child first... and I'd strongly suggest getting your license for fostering and seeing where it goes. You're not forced into anything, no matter what stage of the game you get into. Good luck!!

Thanks, great advice here.