Open adoption: Communicating with my child's adoptive parents

I would recommend that you sit down and discuss boundaries. It will really help if you all know that you're on the same page and agree to a certain foundation. It's a lot harder to change course if nobody is explicitly talking about these things - if you create space to have those conversations, it'll be a lot easier (not easy, but easier). You can even plan in advance to check in more formally once a year to see where everyone is at.The other piece of advice I would give all of you is to expect awkwardness. It is often human nature to try to avoid awkward social interactions (at least, it's my nature) and you have to actively fight against that in open adoption. Even if much of it is comfortable, there will always be moments of awkwardness and it's important for all of you to stick through that for the sake of your son. The first time your son calls his adoptive parents "mom" and/or "dad" in front of you can feel awkward for all of you. The first time you witness the adoptive parents doing something you're uncomfortable with or disagree with (or the first time they have to request you do something different because of their parenting preferences) might be awkward. There's just a lot of awkwardness that you have to kind of accept and just work through it.There are some things my son's birth parents do that bring me so much joy and some things they do that really challenge me, but your son's parents may have very different preferences. These relationships are so unique that it helps if you just talk with them about their preferences. Ask them what they envision a "good relationship" with you looks like and what types of things you can do to nurture that. Ask them to let you know if you inadvertently do something that doesn't sit well with them for whatever reason. Hopefully they will ask you something similar. Good luck - it sounds like you're really dedicated to your son and his parents and that is a beautiful thing.

CTbirthmom - I love your post. I love that you care enough to be the best part of your half of the adoption! Your AP's are luck people! One thing I was a bit concerned about is that these "boundaries' weren't discussed prior to your placement. When entering in to an open adoption with our 2nd DD (friend of a friend's teen situation) we discussed what it meant and what her expectations were before we even agreed to adopt the baby once asked. So I'm just hoping that you entered in to an agreement that your comfortable with. Assuming you did enter in to something you've got at least a basic agreement of terms with I'd say to broach the subject just be open and honest. I can tell you as an adoptive mom that the first several weeks home with the new baby you're very insecure. Even the most well intentioned adoptive families can be insecure. I sure was and my situation was about ideal. I didn't want any real contact other than on my end. I know that's selfish and not so nice (poor girl was grieving but we were trying to become a family). But after the first few weeks I felt better with contact I felt a little more like mom and a little less like a babysitter. I'm not sure if other adoptive parents had these feelings but I certainly did. Especially until the papers were signed. Our bio's didn't sign at 72 hours (my request) and dad was still deciding if he wanted to parent for about 5 days. I was patient; however; I think that too took it's toll on me feeling secure enough as mom (think it made the bonding time take a smidge longer). So this may be a factor in when you approach the subject; given that you've already got a basic plan in place I'd give them at least 6 weeks to just gel as a family if you've already signed the papers. Once you've given them time I'd set up a lunch date. I love lunch dates with my daughters birth mother; we're planning on painting pottery and a ton of other things. Lunch dates are my favorite though. They're very intimate and we can talk without others looking at us weird and why we both look like her mommy. LOL. I have let my daughters birth mother watch her a couple of time's we've had lunch dates and we are only now nearing the 3 month mark; but I'm pretty proud of my sharing skills. We text special texts to just each other (doting on her in ways only a pair of mommy's can do).My daughters birth mom is also a younger lady so sometimes I have to say no to some of her requests just because I'm concerned for safety reasons. She has boyfriends that aren't appropriate and she's asked if she can take her to a cousins baby shower (she's wrecked 3 cars very badly) not putting my kid in the same car ever! LOL! I didn't feel comfortable with her taking her to a baby shower 4 weeks after signing the papers for an all day. However; I do love that she can watch her here and there and someday once she's stable take her and have overnights etc. I look forward to that. But be open with them about what you're wanting. Be understanding that they are the parents and they may still be very insecure about that fact. Be a clear communicator. My daughters birth mother has never done anything that made me mad or sad or annoyed. Again we're just barley 3 months in I'm sure things can change. Hope not but obviously they can. I hope I too haven't annoyed her. I love her dearly and wouldn't want her pain in anyway to be because of something I did. Best of luck to you!C -

I think the fact that you are concerned about this is proof that you will navigate this relationship beautifully. You are so so very mature. Sit down, discuss some boundaries, and you guys will be just fine! : )

I think the fact that you are concerned about this is proof that you will navigate this relationship beautifully. You are so so very mature. Sit down, discuss some boundaries, and you guys will be just fine! : )

My biggest issue with my daughters first mom was that she still called her self mommy and would call her boyfriend at the time, who was not my daughter birth father, "daddy" Our adoption relationship was extremely weird and tested hugely in the beginning. This was mostly because it was a family adoption and everyone's roles changed practically overnight. We had not talked about boundaries etc. I wish we had from the beginning because things would have been easier from the start. Another issue with our first mom for a while was inconsistency. She started popping in once every few months and still expected an open adoption. I finally lost it and warned that if she didn't step up and stay consistent that I would cut ties. She didn't , and so I cut ties for two months. It sounds horrible but I had to prove a point. After two months we met and discussed boundaries and expectations. Since then our relationship has been amazing. I seriously talk to her every day. My daughter knows who she is and knows her 1/2 baby brother. I now allow my cousin to keep my daughter overnight and her son stays overnight with us as well. She recently asked us to adopt her son who is due in May. So my biggest suggestion is to set boundaries now. It may be uncomfortable but it needs to be done, and if you all agree you want the adoption open, stay consistent. Best wishes!!

The op hasn't been around in a long time. Her post is from September 2012

Yea I realized that after I responded lol