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My birth mom and I have been in contact for about six months. We have become very close by talking on the phone on a regular basis. She lives seven hours away from me and we haven't yet met. There seemed to always be something preventing us from meeting. First, I was a minor and my family wasn't supportive of me meeting her, we both broke bones (my leg and her clavicle), I had a lot of drama in my family, and then she had drama in hers... on top of the physical distance, work, and I'm a full-time student. Anyways, she called me three hours ago and told me that she is in my town. Without telling me she drove seven hours with her sisters to my town to 'surprise' me. She expected me to be thrilled, but I felt a combination of anger, anxiety, nervousness, and excitement. She lied to me all day about what she was doing and where she was going, and then she showed up with her sister at the library at my University (my regular study place). She wasn't able to enter the library, because it is reserved for students only, but her plan was to basically show up at my school without any warning. I feel like I've been lied to, I feel like she tried to 'trick' me into meeting her, and I'm really hurt that she just kinda threw this at me. I love her and I want to meet her, I want to have a relationship with her- but I just feel SO overwhelmed right now. She is sitting in a hotel room right now, and I've driven by the hotel 8 times in the past two hours... but I can't make myself park. I don't know what's wrong with me and I don't know what to do. She's calling me, and I know that she is terrified that she's pushed me away... but I haven't answered the phone because I just don't know what to say. I don't want her hurt her but I can't make these feelings go away. Does anyone have any advice? Am I being crazy, am I being too hard on her? What should I do and how do I reduce this anxiety that I'm feeling? Any input would be greatly appreciated.
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You sweet, sweet girl. I'm a birthmom. My little girl is 9 years old. My advice is to first calm down. Try your best to process it all. Thank you for thinking of her and that even though her INTENTIONS may be good, it may not be time for this to be successful yet. Don't be worried about her and her feelings (because its obvious that you are already). Please take care of yourself and decide how you feel. This is not the type of thing that should be rushed. The way I think about seeing my daughter for the first time is me asking to hug her and crying a lot (because I'm emotional and I'll be really happy). I don't think that kind of thing can be rushed or "surprised". Most of her life, I've lived one county away. Even though 80% of my family lives in the same county, I try to avoid going there at all costs. I don't want the Aparents or her to think that I am invading on their territory or that I'd ever consider making contact without their full and complete support. So, popping by sounds like a terrifying idea, even though I count the days until I have her in my life again.
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I'm going to try to provide prospective from both ends here (I'm a birthmom and an adult adoptee in reunion). From the birthmom end, I'd never consider doing what your birthmom did. I can't imagine how overwhelming that must have felt for you, to be caught off guard and not allowed time to prepare emotionally for a first meeting. I know that I would never do that to my daughter, because I know how overwhelmed I would feel if someone did that to me. I'm a planner... I like to plan and make lists and overanalyze everything before I take action. But I can kind of see why she might have done it, she was thrilled and excited to meet you after all the years of not being able to see you, and it can be hard to put all those feelings aside and step back and think about how the other person feels. From the adoptee end, I will tell you right now that you've got every right to feel what you're feeling. Reunion is overwhelming and emotional, even when everything is planned to perfection and goes perfectly. I've been in reunion with my birthmom for a few months now, and I love her very much, and am thrilled to have her in my life, but I get overwhelmed very easily getting that glimpse of who I was born to be but never got to become. Give yourself time to process your feelings, but be honest with your birthmom. It seems to me that reunions tend to go awry when the parties are not fully honest with each other about their needs and expectations.
I'm a birthmom too. I think you're wonderful for trying to see her perspective, but your birthmom "sandbagged" you. She brought her sisters as a support system for her. I do understand how your birthmom feels, but I agree with operadiva02 that this was the wrong move. You should let her know this isn't the right time for you. You should tell her you want to meet her (if you still do after this), and will schedule a time and place of your choosing. Hang in there, and let us know how this plays out.
Yikes! I would have not ever thought to approach my son this way for fear I'd run him off! I think you articulated very nicely how you feel. You feel tricked, rightfully so, but still want to meet her, just not under these circumstances. Can you express to her that you know it was not her intention to upset you, but that you feel completely overwhelmed by her surprise visit, and want to meet her, but just not this way? Can you get a "do over" and have it be a more planned situation where you have some say in it?
My heart goes out to you. I would never do that to my "son" he recently found me (through a caseworker) and I told the caseworker, that I wanted to move at his pace. I don't know what to say except that I am sorry you are in the situation. And no, I definitely do not think you are over reacting. You have every right to feel that way.
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