Advertisements
My birth mom and I have been in contact for about six months. We have become very close by talking on the phone on a regular basis. She lives seven hours away from me and we haven't yet met. There seemed to always be something preventing us from meeting. First, I was a minor and my family wasn't supportive of me meeting her, we both broke bones (my leg and her clavicle), I had a lot of drama in my family, and then she had drama in hers... on top of the physical distance, work, and I'm a full-time student.
Anyways, she called me three hours ago and told me that she is in my town. Without telling me she drove seven hours with her sisters to my town to 'surprise' me. She expected me to be thrilled, but I felt a combination of anger, anxiety, nervousness, and excitement. She lied to me all day about what she was doing and where she was going, and then she showed up with her sister at the library at my University (my regular study place). She wasn't able to enter the library, because it is reserved for students only, but her plan was to basically show up at my school without any warning.
I feel like I've been lied to, I feel like she tried to 'trick' me into meeting her, and I'm really hurt that she just kinda threw this at me. I love her and I want to meet her, I want to have a relationship with her- but I just feel SO overwhelmed right now. She is sitting in a hotel room right now, and I've driven by the hotel 8 times in the past two hours... but I can't make myself park. I don't know what's wrong with me and I don't know what to do.
She's calling me, and I know that she is terrified that she's pushed me away... but I haven't answered the phone because I just don't know what to say. I don't want her hurt her but I can't make these feelings go away.
Does anyone have any advice? Am I being crazy, am I being too hard on her? What should I do and how do I reduce this anxiety that I'm feeling?
Any input would be greatly appreciated.
Like
Share
Advertisements
Since you have told her you want to meet her she probably didn't realize the effect her surprise would have on you. Perhaps meeting at a restaurant, like maybe an ihop or somewhere would be easier, then you would feel like you could leave when you wanted to and it would be more neutral and public. She may be as nervous and you and might have just done it before she could talk herself out of it or maybe she is trying to trick you. I don't know her. Do what feels right to you. Hope it all works out for you. I am sorry she put you in this position. I am a person who doesn't like surprises either, but my husband loves them. It's caused lots of interesting discussions.
I think you need to talk with your mother and tell her that you just don't like surprises. I'm the same way, by the way. My son has done unannounced drop-in's a few times, and it always throws me for a loop. It wasn't so bad when we lived in the same city...but now that I live in a remote area of the Sierra Mountains, it's a bit too much. I'm the type of person whose friends and neighbors know to call me first before just dropping by my home. When I was young, it didn't bother me at all, and I could never understand why people became upset about surprise visits....but now that I'm older, I value my privacy.
I don't think your birth mother meant any harm -- she probably thought surprising you would be a good thing. The first face-to-face meeting is usually pretty nerve-wracking and intense for both mothers and their grown children. The night I met my son for the first time, along with his adoptive parents, I was almost paralyzed with fear. It was pretty intense....
She leaves tomorrow morning. I'm supposed to be getting dressed to meet her at her hotel tonight, but I'm paralyzed. I have never felt so anxious in my life. I feel nauseous and terrified and completely overwhelmed. I don't know what to do, I feel so awful- she traveled seven hours to see me. I can't bear the thought of telling her that I can't meet her, but whenever I try to get ready to meet her I feel like I'm going to be sick and like I'm cemented to the chair. How do I make these feelings go away?? I'm so afraid that I'm going to ruin this relationship if I can't get over my anxiety.