The Transition....OA...Ideas?

Put into writing anything you wish Mom to know about contact, such as how often she can expect pictures, if she can write letters, what kind and how oftern she can contact you etc. By placing it all into a written form, it is less likely that she can claim later that you said X and didn't do it. Not that she has any legal recourse, it's just a way to try to avoid any abiguity. I would also recommend no physical visits for the first year especially if she has been visiting once a week or frequently. Our DD(adopted through foster care) had a simiilar type of connection, so I understand what the therapist is saying. We saw BMom 4 months after and then it was another year before we saw her again. It gave time for DD to attach to us without the constant thought of what had been. You may need to have a longer time before you ever do a visit. I know it's sad to think that you are taking the child away from Bmom, but in our case, I had to think about how to help my child heal from the past and the way to do that was to not see BMom for an extended time. We have an open adoption now with BMom and BDad. DD has a full blood sibling who is 3 yrs younger than she is and we visit about every 3 months as they only live about an hour away. She knows a lot of her relatives too and we are all friends on FB. It took a while to develop the relationship we have and we began with a PO Box.

Caddo - thank you. I am going to start a draft today I have the gutsђ of terms I am thinking about below. Our FD was removed prior to 1yo and the therapist says the bond is negative and the visits cause her alot confusion leading to dysregulation. She was getting visits 2xweek 2hr each until summer, she had break in visitation for a month and the changes in her were AMAZING...then back to visits despite our appeal but 1x/week. Does this sound similar? I am curious to know how your DD/AD did after the visit 4 months in? I had been thinking 6 months but perhaps another alternative would be to offer the grandparents whom she has never seen gpa and only seen gma 2x a visit at 6 months so that they can report back to bmom? Then anotehr 6 months and try a visit with bmom? What do you think? We do each month or every other sibling visits and her full sibling also lives ~1hr away, those guardians are the paternal side family and also finalizing adoption of that child. We said we will be FB friends once everything is finalized. Here is what I am leaning towards: PO box & email addy dedicated to OA and maintained for a very long time. In addition to the termsђ below I will add obviously some heartfelt body of the letter and a basic statement that if all communication is respectful, follows our wishes, and goes will this could increase greatly BUT if something is not followed or something inappropriate is said/done we may choose to cease communication. Regarding Correspondence: Can mail letters/pictures/paper items these will be given to the child if/when we feel appropriate. Depending on their age, maturity, and relationship with b/parent we may read them to them, give them to them, or put them into a book compilation which will be given to them once they are older and seeking information. Օ Please send us an update of your changed number, address, and email as you feel comfortable so that we can send updated pictures, letters, and as AD asks perhaps in the future phone calls. I will send updates a minimum of 2x/year to you in addition to the 2x/year visits. Regarding Gifts: Օ Our PO box is not of sufficient size to accept gifts, if you want to include stickers or bookmarks in your letters this is fine but please do not send gifts. If getting visits please do not bring gifts w/o asking ahead of time. Օ Any gifts will need to be approved by us prior to being given If not doing visits and wish to send something for the child please consider donating to their college fund as we do not feel receiving gifts is appropriate, they will know of this gift, not the amount just the thought and your desire to support them as they prepare for college. Regarding Visits: Օ Initially we feel that FD needs time to heal, grow, develop, and bond and we have been advised visits will not be conducive to this. We would like to offer visits twice per year. The first visit, after 6 months have lapsed, will be offered to your parents. We want to have the visits with you but also have to think of what will be best for her growth/development. In order to try and balance these we would like to offer the visit to your parents so that they can see how she is doing and be a part of her life and report back to you. Օ After one year time we would like to have a visit with you. Depending on how communication has went and how FD does after the visit we will look to setting them up 2x/ year from then on out.

does anyone have advice on how to broach what the bparent is to call themselves or the child? We would REALLY like to change the name b/c frankly its a made up name and will make it very easy to find FD if she ever doesnt want to be found but we're also struggling with maintaining her identity and not having her resent having her name changed. I tink we have decided to keep her name so that part is easy but what does the bparent call themselves? We want FD-AD to know who she is 'birthmom' tummy mom what have you but obviously not appropirate to say "mommmy misses you" etc

My attorney is working on the OA just in case the BM voluntarily agrees to terminate. It states "Child will determine what form of address will be used for biological parent. No form of address will be forced upon the child. No affection will be forced upon the child." At this age, he is currently 18 months, he calls me momma and did initially call her that as well however now that his visits with her are only 2 visits a week, he doesnt really address her as anything. He says Hi and goes and plays with his toys. Apparently the visit supervisor says he doesnt interact with her either.

thank you Hoosier, I think I will add in there that as she ages it will be based on FD/AD preference, currently she is 2.5. I also like the 'forced affection' part. We are going through this now for our FD but also have termination for FS next month and that bmom will need ALOT more structure and limits.

We kept our son's first name and changed his middle & last name. I have a bunch of nicknames for my son - so even if I did change his first name - I don't think there would be any harm in in bmom calling him by his birth name. It's just acknowledging who he is & what his history is. and as for what he calls his bmom - when we first adopted ( he was 2 1/2) this worried me. I never liked tummy mom - I sometimes used birthmom or first mom. But over the years, I've gotten lazy and just called her his mom or by her first name. It isn't confusing, it isn't stressful. My son knows that he has two moms and I'm the one he lives with. When we do visits he usually refers to her by her first name - I think because he hears us referring to her that way. But when he & I are talking privately he sometimes referrs to her by her first name and sometimes as his mom. It isn't confusing or stressful for us. It is the reality of what our family is.

I don't think you should send the letter. You are in the middle of a transition yourself - from being his foster mom to being his adoptive mom (and in a few months I'm guessing you're just going to feel like his mom). I remember being in that space. We adopted our son from foster care at 2 1/2 years (he came to us at 11 months). When we were negotiating our OA agreement I was very particular about the details (OA are binding in our state although they are rarely enforced). What I read in your draft letter is a lot of asserting control. Which is a normal, healthy response for you to feel, but I'm not sure that you need to share all of that with her. It sounds like all she asked for was that you stay in contact with her parents. Why not just say yes, we will stay in contact with your parents. You say that you might allow a visit in a year. Why hold out that hope? What if you don't feel like it in a year, then she's disappointed. Why not wait a year - and if you feel comfortable offering a visit - offer it. On the "form of address" clause proposed by the prior poster: how well educated is your child's bmom? will she really understand what that means? We (I'm an attorney) throw in this nice legal language that is supposed to impress our (aparent) clients. But do the bparents understand what it means? (I'm not trying to insult the intelligence of any bparents out there - just that in a foster care situation we are typically dealing with poorly educated, often mentally ill, frequently cognitively challenged parents). I felt sad when I read your paragraph about gifts. My son's bmom has brought gifts to visits a few times. She has limited financial resources so they are usually something small - or donated. It means a lot to her to be able to give him something. What would she be able to donate to a college fund? $5? $10? Would it make any significant contribution - no. And my son's mom wasn't able to make the connection between her daily behavior choices and her parental rights - so being able to value a contribution to a college fund when he's 6 isn't within her comprehension. But my son does like the two dinosaurs she brought to the last visit for his birthday. He doesn't paly with them every day - they don't have any significant emotional meaning to him. They're just another toy in the toy box. But it does give me something positive to say to her the next time I am scheduling visits: "By the way, He's still playing with the dinosaurs you gave him and last week we went to the library and we are reading about dinosaurs. He's really excited." I'd sit on the letter. After you've given yourself and your family some time to transition (at least 6 months), start again. And thing of the letter as an opportunity to build the relationship you want. Good luck on your journey.

Yeah I totally agree with the gift part too -- My girls mother normally gives them stuff she has picked up at a thrift store, or something someone gave her to pass on but that is perfectly ok. I know that my boys (now teens) would not care one hoot if their birth parents had given $5 to a college fund, but they do talk about the fact she bought them a t shirt when they were 5 (they are now almost 18 and 17). Think of things from your child's perspective.

This is so heart breaking. My first instinct (as an AM of s DD with a FAS diagnoses, connected to an addict BM who lost custody) is to project my reality onto yours I needed firm boundaries in writing from day one, as Js BM spent too much time trying to find loopholes. once I played, bad cop, we became friends, of sort But in your case, I don't see the BM forcing her way into your life; she sounds like she mostly fears losing all contact. Does she have email? I find it easier to keep T in our life through email.. when I'm posting a picture or video link on FB, I can decide if I want to email a copy to T, as well. Those little gestures have been hugely appreciated and it took little effort form me to do. Also, I know this is going to sound super silly and may not apply in your world, the best thing for my DD was knowing her mom's "are friends" (her version of what we are). it absolved her of so much guilt and loyalty issues. Even if BM doesn't have direct access with the child, have a random quick email from you might allow that connection to remain. Oh, and on the gift front, i hear you. .We got more crap from T over the years! Beef jerky, seriously? But DD treasures every last one. When going through her earring collection in preparation for yesterday's quarterly visit, she knew exactly which earrings came from "mummy" - 3 years after the fact. Congrats, mom. hang in there.

just marking this so I can come back to it later :laundry: when I have time to read all the responses. We've had a situation VERY close to yours.