My husband afraid to adopt

Hi ZeldarizonaJust a thought...There may come a day when you have to share all your children with "another" Mother. Not just the adopted ones.Think ahead to your children's in-laws. Do you think you'll feel any vulnerability in loosing your relationship with your children? Will there be a threat that the kids won't value you and what you did and do for family?Don't let that (blood) weigh too heavy on your mind.Merry Christmas

I agree with you. You EARNED the title MOM. you are the one who was REAL all their life...not just a 'idea' or a 'dream' You are the real mom...the one that stays up at night ..the one that takes care...the one that loves... I think the issue on ANY board is, you don't get the full picture. You only read about the 'unhappy' adoptees...the ones that were and ARE happy and fullfilled with their lives as adoptees don't really come to boards like these..... I personally know 5 grown adoptees and only one of them struggles....the others have knowledge of their birth past..but that's all it is...it's a fact of their beginnings but has nothing to do with their present and future ..

Part of my journey as an adoptive mom, was learning over the course of my son's life (he's now a young adult in his twenties), that nothing-- no amount of fantastic mothering and love and "being there" and "doing the hard work" (ever raised a teenage boy who went through a rough patch? NOT easy), could ever raise me to the level of so-fantastic-a-mom-that-biology-doesn't-count. I cannot earn my way into his biology not mattering to him. I cannot earn my way into erasing the existence of his biological mother. And honestly, it grieves me to my core that I was not the woman who brought him into the world and whose genetics he carries. And that there is another woman who is both those things. But I HAVE to accept that and be at peace with it. And that was a long, but necessary journey. I have years and years worth of daily memories. I did the hard, hard work. I will have a lifetime of memories to come, Lord willing. I have daily contact and a son who loves me fiercely and loyally. I have hugs and deep conversation and a connection that no one else has with him. But there is also a connection with him that I cannot have- the biological one. And coming to terms with that was excruciating at times, but so very necessary for my own well being. And when he decided to reconnect with his biological mom, I was supportive and present and as gracious as I could muster...and I was also scared out of my pants and grieving in the deepest part of me, that she WAS. That she was something I wasn't. And I didn't know how he would react to being reunited to that connection, or how she would act. It was bumpy and scary and awkward. I didn't know what it might ultimately do to my family, to my connection with him. In retrospect, we all came out okay. He has answers in a more complete way than any conversation or document or relating of facts from me could have ever given him. He has full freedom to be in whatever contact he wants with her/them. And I am still Mom. And I don't claim "real mom" nor do I grant it to her. We are both really what we are- the mother of his origin and the mother of his life experience. And we both really are those things forever. Neither one of us can ever have what the other one has with him. We either live in peace with that- or torment him with our own contest of who's "real" and who's not. I encourage any adoptive parent, prospective or present, to work through accepting that reality. Don't think you can unprogram a child's desire to know their origins on a personal, rather than purely factual level. Allow them to decide that for themselves without fear of it making them an ungrateful or less than ideal child. Be content to be what you are to them, without thinking it has to erase the possibility that someone else might also be something to them in a different way. I know it's scary. I KNOW. I've been scared. I've grieved over it. I've been the owie-kisser and bedtime-tucker and disciplinarian and hug-giver and allowance-payer and a million other things to him. But I've never been his biological mom and I never can be. And I'm sooo much more peaceful inside, and fear has no place in the equation, now that I have truly accepted that as reality- not just as a bare fact or a scary possibility.

:clap: YOU are a wonderful mother. Your son is a very lucky man.

Zxczxc Your outlook is always so awesome to read. The relationship you have with your son seems healthy and special. Is he still working in politics? I want to address this: This attitude is very dismissive of the adoptees (and is also often used on parents of origin)who post here. My question to you is why do you participate on boards like this one? Are you unhappy or poorly adjusted? I first started coming to these forums when I was contemplating searching for my son. I֒ve stayed, with my own participation going through different levels of activity, because Ive made friends from all sides of the triad. IҒve learned a lot. I appreciate the interaction. I am not unhappy. I also refuse to believe that adoptees that search out their biological history are unhappy or dont fully love their parents. IҒm sure that the reasons for searching out roots vary for each adoptee that searches. As a parent, I can love more than one child. As a married woman, I can love my in-laws as another set of parents. As a family member I can love more than one Aunt and Uncle. I expect that adult children have excess capacity to love another set of parents without it becoming a competition.

Do please expand - all adoptees on here? Even the one you just quoted? You know the one you said "her mom did a great job"? Is she one of those 'unhappy' adoptees that come to boards like these unlike those that are happy and fulfilled with their lives as adoptees? Feel free to tag me with whatever label you choose - I have really broad shoulders and very thick skin - but lumping EVERY adoptee on this board as 'unhappy' because they go to an adoption support forum for ALL members of adoption is wrong. Dickons

did I say 'ALL', or 'LUMP ALL TOGETHER'? I am sorry you misread my post as such. I said that people who don't need support are most likely not on a support board. let me explain: I had gastric bypass 6 years ago. BEFORE I had the surgery, I was on the board for GP all the time. AFTER surgery, I still was there, sharing my experience, and getting the help of experienced 'longtimers'... but after years of frequenting that board, my life took off, I started fostering, I was just simply too busy , and faded away from participating on that board... NOW, if a newbie goes to that board, he will read MANY MANY posts of postops, who have ISSUES, trouble, and struggles. And of course there will be posters who are totally OK, and healthy... but many are not, physically or mentally..and struggle with their decisions.. does that make sense? THAT's what I mean by my post about that many adoptees too... many who are OK will NOT post here, nor probably even KNOW this board exists. just like we don't read much about super great fosterplacements, and awesome bio parents, or amazing caseworkers... we read about issues with the kids, and issues with the bios, and CW who suck.. again, not ALL have issues with the kids/bios/CW and sure, many share about their great experiences with them... but mostly we share about our struggles ... I hope that helped you understand what I tried to say. I know it's hard to READ without hearing the TONE and seeing the persons intent who writes.... the downside of the internet.

AMom2011, My reading comprehension is just fine - thank you for enquiring. Comprehension never was a problem - even though I had to learn to write again - that part stayed intact. You chose to put the above statement on a thread that contained replies from several adoptees - with the statement above - not your "they may have come here originally to sort out a few feelings and then moved on" as a "reassurance" to the most recent poster that it is only a "temporary" blip in their lives. YOU have no idea why "I" or many other longer term posters are on this board. We each have our own reasons, but until you ask the people you just dissed you won't know, but "assuming" is seldom accurate. It certainly is enlightening to know your view that "I" am an 'unhappy' adoptee simply because "I" am a long-term poster vs. those who are 'happy and fulfilled with their lives as adoptees'. Dickons

I'm totally agree with you.You'r 100% good here that i also refuse to believe that adoptees that search out their biological history are unhappy or dont fully love their parents.

My reading comprehension is pretty good too and disregarding tone entirely, you were pretty clear that happy and fulfilled adoptees don't come to forums like these. The loud and clear implication is that those that do are UNHAPPY and UNFULFILLED. The fact that you also used the words "you ONLY read about" threw me off too...perhaps reading comprehension isn't the problem, but the fact you made insulting blanket statements about a group of people whose shoes you haven't walked in. Your perception of their feelings is yours only and is likely not reality.Many people can be fulfilled, happy, successful and satisfied and still reach out to others who have similar life experiences. By dismissing those that post here by labeling them as dissatisfied with who they are you are negating their experiences. Adoption is way different than a medical procedure or someone griping on Yelp about bad service in a restaurant! Also, people come here for a variety of reasons, most of whom, in my experience, are "ok"...I personally know several who occasionally participate but monitor the boards for activity on open records reform. Wanting access to an OBC has nothing to do with being happy and fulfilled...

I agree too that an amom has earned or can earn the title of MOM in this way. I think it could help many adoptees for their parent to change just one simple word though. (even if they are not talking to or near their adoptee) "You are THE real mom" - to - "You are A real mom". Just a few letters makes a huge difference. From what I have learned from years of studying it all - it seems "you are the real mom" is really an issue for the parent to deal with to be happy and fulfilled. Not so much for the adoptee. Unfortunately, some adopted people do get to deal with it when made to feel guilty or disloyal for acknowledging they have two (or more) mothers. If you make it a contest to win, who really wins? More importantly, who really looses? I'm always happy to see parents here attempting to cope with this issue they are having, due to adoption, by learning more about it. There are lots of adult-adoptees that hang around here just to try to help you and hopefully give you some peace, believe it or not! I hope parents trying to cope with the Real Mom thing take advantage of this valuable resource.

The term "happy" is relative. I doubt anyone is "happy" all the time. I agree that there are many people who don't post or even know that this forum exists who are adopted. There are also many people who don't delve into anything deeper than the daily gossip journals either. There are people who have no clue what kind of struggle some people go through because they are too busy collecting things to make themselves feel like they are doing something. People who do come here are simply trying to find some commonality in a world of "shoulds". People who haven't searched won't have a clue what kind of struggle it can be. It's a personal choice. Some people don't want to delve into the realm. Simple as that. However most of the people here are trying to understand something no one thought it was necessary to talk about for quite some time. If a child decides to look into their origins; it's a good thing forums like this exist where people can talk about all the emotions.

This thread has really intrigued me. To the OP: I really appreciate your honesty in expressing your true desire to raise an adopted child that never wants to search for his/her bio-family. That is one of the many underlying tensions in an arrangement like adoption, but the fact that you are willing to acknowledge it at the beginning of your journey can give you an opportunity to unpack this issue before you bring a child into the mix. To some of the great material on this thread, I can only add that Love is not Finite. Your future child does not come equipped with one serving of love/affection to portion out over her lifetime. Any curiosity she has about her bio-fam, or affection she may have for them post-reunion should she choose to search, does not lessen your serving of love and affection from her. The Poster who likened the search for a birthfamily to your child getting married one day and adding in-laws to the family was really insightful. I think that relationship is analogous in so many ways, and it also removes the fear of the unknown that I imagine is one of the scariest aspects to potential A-Parents. The only other thing I can add is that birth certificates are not 'deeds' to a people like titles are to a house or car. People are individuals. Your name on the 'mother' line of your child's birth certificate does not guarantee that she will only do things that you approve of. You can no more own or impose your own will on your grown child than you can on any other person in the world. You can guide and suggest and hope that she chooses the best way forward; in the end, your child will be her own person. She may make choices that bother you or that you disagree with. BUT, that struggle is not unique to Adoptive parents, it is simply a part of the Parenting journey for any parent. No amount of great parenting can guarantee that a child will Never do this or that thing. Kids who come from great homes sometimes develop drug habits (See: A Million Little Pieces). Some kids who grow up in tumultuous home end up as perfectly well-adjusted adults (See: The Liar's Club or Townie or The Glass Castle). Bottom line, if your future child decides one day to search for her birth family, her decision will actually have very little to do with you or how good a parent you have been to her.

Snow ...very beautifully put. I am married to an adult adoptee and love my sil and bil who also are adopted. They all have diff opinions about reunion...all of which should be respected. I also an amom w ho loves my kids to bits. If I listened to anti adopt people I would not be a very good mom...not sure what that movement means....

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