When do we tell our daughter?

My daughter is only 6 months old and I've already "told" her. Of course she doesn't understand yet but that's okay. It should be something they know from the beginning. If the adoption hasn't happened yet you can talk to her as it happens. You can certainly explain the situation to her before she can actually understand. That way it's not a big conversation to have, just something she "always knew".

Sooner is better than later. If you tell her now, it just becomes part of her reality, instead of having a big confusing discovery moment.

In talking with my relatives (19 are adopted, including my 2), most of them say that they would prefer to have 'always known' vs 'knowing exactly when' they were told. My boys, both 5 - not twins, know. It is something we talk about occasionally. When they have questions, I answer them. In fact, one adoption was just completed in August of this year and that son was so excited to be getting adopted that he kept asking how long until it happens mama? I'm of the school - the sooner the better. Let it be a natural part of growing up, rather than 'the telling'.

I agree. I just don't know what to say... Like what, I'm brushing her hair one day and I'm like "Hey Anya, your daddy didn't make you with mommy. Your father's name is Rion, and he can't be here with us right now, so your daddy is gonna adopt you so you can be his forever?" That just doesn't sound like something I could say to my 3 year old. I don't know how to say it. I guess that's what I'm asking. What did you say when you told/tell your kids?

One way to proceed is to tell her, very casually, "You have such beautiful brown eyes!" or something of that sort. Then go on to say, "Did you know that many kids get their appearance from their Mommies and Daddies? It's true. Look at Mommy's curly hair. It's a lot like yours. You have curly hair because Mommy has curly hair." If she seems interested, say, "But I have blue eyes and Daddy has green eyes, so you didn't get your beautiful brown eyes from us. Do you know how you got them? She may or may not be interested right then. If not, let her wander off; she may well be back later to pursue the discussion. If she seems interested, tell her that she got them from her birthfather. Let her know that before you met and married Daddy, there was a man in your life named Rion. You and Rion decided to have a baby together, and that's how she came to be. Then, if she doesn't ask a question, you can say something appropriate to the situation like, "We were both delighted when you were born." Now comes the hard part. You may want to say something like, "But after a while, Rion wasn't really ready to be a husband and a Daddy, so he decided to move away. That made me a little sad, because I wanted to have a husband and you needed a Daddy. But then I met your Daddy, and we fell in love. Your Daddy asked me to marry him, and promised that he would take good care of both of us." Again, here's a possible stopping point, but it may also be OK to continue, if your child is still interested and if she isn't asking totally different questions. You can tell her that when a man marries a woman who has a child, and really wants to be a forever Daddy to that child, he goes to court and tells that to a judge. The judge asks him and his wife some questions, and then gives him a special piece of paper called an adoption decree, which tells him and all the world that now he is the child's forever Daddy, just like the woman is the child's forever Mommy. You can let Anya know that your husband is going to court soon, so that he can get that special piece of paper, which proves that he is her forever Daddy. Let your daughter know that you and she will go with him, and that, afterwards, the three of you will have a special celebration -- like maybe going out to dinner, and then having ice cream and cake back at the house. You may even want to make up a little ceremony to have in court, or at home later. Maybe your husband will give your daughter a little heart necklace, to remind her of the day that he adopted her, and she will give him something that she makes, herself, with your help -- maybe an object with her handprint or footprint, or a picture frame with her picture in it, to remind him that she is his forever daughter. Some judges are very open to such things going on in the courtroom, while others are not, so check it out. You may wind up presenting this information all at once, or you may spread it out a bit, if your daughter has a lot of questions or if her attention span is short and she says, "I was the Weather Girl at preschool today," or "Did you know that Susie got a new kitty?" Do expect questions -- if not immediately, then over the next few weeks, as she processes the information. Hopefully, she won't ask them in the public restroom where her voice will echo and everyone will hear her, or in the grocery store checkout line! But knowing preschoolers, some of the questions will come then. She may want to know about Rion, and if she can meet him. You will need to tell her something, perhaps like, "Maybe someday, but right now he lives too far away," or "Maybe someday, but right now, he has some problems in his life and it's not a good time to see him. Don't lie, but soften the truth if you have to. "Some problems in his life" could mean that he's in prison, or that he's using drugs and you don't want your daughter around him unless he stops, or just that he is embarrassed that he wasn't a good father and prefers to forget the whole topic. Your daughter may want to know more about how a baby is made, but hopefully, those questions won't come until she's a year or two older. She probably knows that a big belly on a woman often means that she is expecting a baby, but she probably doesn't know anything about how the father is involved, or how the baby got into the tummy. And there could be all sorts of other questions, cropping up both immediately and down the road. Maybe at preschool, she has heard someone saying that Billy's parents are adopting a baby, or that Jennifer used to live in Korea until her parents adopted her. It can get a little confusing. Your daughter may think that all children are both born and adopted, and may wonder when YOU will adopt her. Or she may think that you and Rion went to Korea to adopt her. Just answer the questions simply and briefly. You don't need to tell her a whole long explanation. "Sometimes both a Mommy and a Daddy can't take care of a baby, so they find a new family for the baby. But in our family, only Rion didn't feel that he could care for a baby. I KNEW I could care for you, and that someday, I'd meet the perfect Daddy for you. And that's exactly what happened." Don't badmouth Rion, now or in the future, even if you are still angry because he never paid child support, or because he was running around with another woman when you were pregnant. Rion is your child's birthfather, and she has some of his genes. She deserves to hear you speak of him with respect. As time goes on, you may need to clarify why your daughter can't call him on the phone or visit him, and it may mean telling an unpleasant truth like, "Rion can be a good man, but he sometimes drinks too much whiskey. It isn't good for him to drink alcohol, even a little bit. It makes him want to hit people, including people he loves. Your Daddy and I want you to be safe, so we don't want you around Rion until he stops drinking." Talking about adoption, like talking about sex, is not a one time thing. You don't have "The Talk." You seize teachable moments and introduce a new concept casually and age-appropriately -- whether it's the word "birthfather", or the word "vagina". See if you can find a book that talks about stepparent adoption on a child's age level, and make it just one of many books you read to your daughter. Make an effort to get to know other families where there is a stepparent, as well as all kinds of adoptive families; there may be lots of types of adoption, but your child should learn that they all can be very loving ways to form a family. Sharon

Thank you very much Sharron, this was really helpful! Thank you for taking the time to write all of that out. I feel like I'm much better equipped to tell her now!