Just Getting Started - Special Needs Question

Short answer: statistically possible, but not statistically probable.Long answer: children are not waiting for adoptive homes because of stable histories, happy circumstances, and a life with few major issues. Children are waiting for adoption because they've lost their first family through death, incarceration, drugs/alcohol, mental illness, or other possible situations, but none of the situations mean that a child comes out of that process unscathed. They've had a major loss, and this is a trauma to them. Many older children who are waiting adoption have also had other major traumas. These traumas could include such things as the loss of multiple foster families, multiple moves, multiple schools, the loss of multiple friends through those moves, the loss of siblings along the way, abuse, prenatal exposure to drugs/alcohol/poor nutrition/etc., neglect, and even physical special needs as well.The idea of adopting an older child who may have a physical special need and no, or mild, emotional special need has a low statistical possibility of happening in actuality. There ARE families who have adopted older children who do not have severe emotional special needs, however any family who is planning to adopt older children should not expect that they will be that family. When a family chooses to pursue special needs adoption of older children they should expect to be dealing with emotional special needs. It is the norm.We have adopted toddlers, the oldest of whom was 2.5 when placed with us for adoption. We continue to deal with emotional special needs 12 years after that child came to us. The child IS doing well and HAS progressed greatly, but we are still working with a variety of special needs, some biological and others based on early trauma.This is the child who, when placed with us, had NO LABELS and was not considered to have 'special needs'. Within two years we had a label of RAD (reactive attachment disorder), probable dysfunction of sensory integration, and prenatal drug/alcohol exposure. All this goes to say that what is presented in the paperwork is not necessarily representative of the child himself, but rather what the caseworker and others choose to include in their description of the child. Sometimes case files exaggerate an aspect out of proportion, either to the positive ("This child has no issues at all") or to the negative ("This child will never be able to _________"). Neither is particularly helpful to the pre-adoptive parent in helping to make decisions based on the information presented.

Hi AdoptionJourney2012! I don't have a lot of insight to offer, but wanted to say a few things. First, congrats! I am just now starting out on my own adoption journey, and like you I have no desire for biological children. It threw me off when I realized that I still wanted children, very much, just not as a result of getting pregnant. :love: Also, way to go for considering a special needs child! I hope to adopt a DD little girl with a g-tube and hydrocephalus as well as some other challenges. If she is no longer available once I have been approved to adopt, I will foster/ adopt another special needs child. :wings: As for your desire to adopt an older child- I think the longer any child is in the system (special needs or not), the more likely he/ she is to have developed emotional problems (sometimes severe ones). But each child is different, and you never know what a child is like until you A) read the file and most importantly B) get to know him/ her. Good luck and keep us posted! Feel free to PM me any time. :cheer:

Thanks to both of you for your words of wisdom and support! :love: HeartsAflame, I bet the girl you are hoping for is adorable! I have the honor of volunteering at a resort for children with life threatening illnesses, and the strength of those children is astounding. It's hard for me, because I have felt a calling toward adoption for as long as I can remember. Does anybody remember the 20/20 special on Romanian orphanages that Diane Sawyer did back in 1990? Well, I was 8 years old when that came on, and it has haunted/fascinated me ever since. I truly believe that I am meant to adopt a child with physical disabilities, but I have never been drawn toward younger children. Now I am having to reassess my expectations, and it's tough. I am lucky to have a husband who is truly supportive of me, and who also doesn't feel that bio kids are the only way to grow a family. We will go into our PRIDE classes with eyes wide open, and the knowledge that the things we are told may not be fully accurate. However, I continue to believe that, somewhere out there, there will be a child for us. :wings:

You might check out private adoption agencies who have special needs adoption programs. Sometimes they do have children who are older and whose parents are placing them for adoption without the child having been neglected or placed into the foster system. One situation of which I was aware the mother had a terminal illness and was looking for a home in which to place her special needs child. If you do an internet search of private adoption agencies and look for those with special needs programs you might find something along the lines of what you are hoping for.And yes, I do remember the Romanian stories on TV in the early 1990's. I've since met some children who were adopted from Romania. My husband and I were already discussing adoption at that point, but were waiting a bit until the house was remodeled. (Not that THAT has ever been completed...we always have "just a little bit more to do". :rolleyes:) We also did not plan to have any biological children. HA! Just shows to go what WE knew about our future! :D

I would completely agree with much of what has already been posted. I would want you to be aware that there ARE situations where the child has been adopted at birth and the adoptive family is releasing the child when the child is still relatively young. I've helped place more than one. Keep in mind too, that generally------the younger the child, the less the emotional challenges. This isn't to disqualify anything that Barksum wrote to you about (their 2.5yr old). Our own family has seen---first hand---the damages inflicted by the foster system to VERY young children. Sometimes those issues can be resolved or accomodated; other times, those issues are life-long with little/no change. Each situation/child is unique in this 'possible healing scenario'. My advice is to realize this first and foremost: Caseworkers are paid to find families for children in the system. In our experience, many caseworkers did little to actually help the child; but more to keep the foster parents 'happy' and place children ASAP when necessary. I would hope these types of behaviors might have improved over the years...... Additionally, parenting an older child is TOTALLY different from parenting a child adopted at birth. It's a different mindset to say the least and it requires true teamwork (if you're with a partner/spouse); and a very good suport from resources. It is NOT an easy job by any stretch of the imagination. There ARE some successes in older child adoptions, but I'd go so far as to say they are not the norm. Many times, what most people would term 'success' has a different definition than the general thinking. Sincerely, Linny

I think if you want to avoid severe emotional needs you will just need to be really choosy and ask lots of questions about each child's background. Unfortunately the CWs usually don't know a whole lot (or maybe they do and just don't tell!). When I did foster care I got the best information from talking with the current fosterparent (but only if they were experienced fps, the info I got from first time fps turned out to be unreliable). What would most likely avoid severe emotional problems would be a child that had several good years of parenting without traumas. I had a coworker who got a very young teenage boy who did not have problems, he and his siblings had been raised by his grandma after his mother had died, but she refused to keep each kid once they turned 12 yrs old!

I truly appreciate all of your advice and guidelines to look for. It breaks my heart that some CWs potentially don't have the best interest of the child in mind. I know it's their job to place children in homes, but wouldn't it come back on them when that placement goes horribly wrong? My husband and I have been discussing this non-stop, and getting all the information we can before our PRIDE classes start in December. We are completely on the same page, but our families are not aware yet of our plans. We are both only children, and the reason we haven't told any family is because we know how they will react :( Therefore, we have to acknowledge that our family support system will probably be nonexistent. (I think that's a testament to how strongly we feel about adoption - that we are potentially willing to lose our families over it. Maybe it means we are just stupid, though LOL)! My husband is wondering if we should consider becoming a general foster parent first, instead of heading straight toward adoption, to give us a better idea of what to expect. I am not sure if that is the answer, though, since all children come with their own set of unique circumstances. Our long-term goal is not to be a FP. Again, a big:thanks: to all of you - I accept all advice! Also, my thoughts are with all of you in the upcoming path of Sandy.