"She's not your Real Sibling..."

Some people will say I did a horrible horrible thing by starting relationships with my bio relatives, and referring to them as real relatives/family members of mine. My offense - I popped the bubble that my afamily stayed in while pretending that my bio family was unimportant to ME, and erased = not real. A bubble I stayed in with them so I wouldn't hurt anyone's feelings - but mine. That was the job I was given from the very beginning. Dontcha know ghosts are not real? I have different relationships with each of my seven individual siblings, and sibling in-laws, regardless of the connection. Ten years in, everyone is doing just fine outside of the bubble, closer and better than ever in fact :cheer:

That is really nice to know. It is good that you keep all the things intact. I know that it is not an easy job but you are just doing great. You must have gone through many things but as it is said if the end is fine then everything is fine. All the best for your future.

Personally, I'm sick of the "real" thing. I have two mothers and two fathers - even though I will never meet one mother (as she has passes away) and I have no idea who my bfather is. I only call one pair mom and dad but that is my right - if I had wanted to call both pairs mom and dad, that would have been my right too. I don't believe anyone has any right to TELL any adoptee who is who in their family. I do have to admit that one thing I find hilarious is that how often people feel the need to "help" adoptees "understand" adoption and do this by saying "I will tell you who is who and what is what in adoption". Also, there seems to be a misconception that adoptees live in a land called Adopteeland and have never come across a biologically raised person in their life because for some reason everyone seems to feel the need to tell adoptees about how biological families function. It may come as a surprise to you all but, hey, both mom and dad were raised in biologically raised families, my sister has biological children, 99% of the people I work/went to school with grew up in biological homes and the vast majority of people on TV programs, news programs etc are raised in biological homes so I might just be able to get some sort of glimpse of how things might be in non-adoptive homes. In regards to pretend thing, of course our families are real. However, one could say that I am "as if born to" someone I wasn't born to and "as if not born to" someone I was born to.

Pretence in so many forms...as L4R says. As Belle says. As I say...pretending I never had a baby. Pretending there isn't another mother, father, siblings...pretence pretence pretence!!!!! Surely people can see this...and I am probably only scraping the surface. The Emporer's New Clothes was all about pretence...why wasn't this challenged? It really says it all. Also I wonder whether we get too wound up with the semantics of it all. Haven't we got better things to spend energy on...like....love!!!!

Thanks so much for all the replies. Hearing your thoughts definitely helps me feel less like a weirdo--- The Real thing has always been a struggle for me from both my adoptive and biological sides because I was adopted when I was ten years old. So when my A-mom passed away a few years ago there were many, many people from my life who didn't reach out at all "because it wasn't like she was my Real Mom", and I am certain that I will hear that again when some day far in the future my B-Mom passes away. I don't think there is any hard rule; I know people who don't connect with their bio-siblings even when they grew up together. But my siblings and I all bonded incredibly quickly when we met. We keep in touch, we visit, we call one another just to chat or to ask advise. I call my other sisters as frequently as I talk to the one I grew up with (who also happens to be biological, as well). Kingstonrule-- this " I do have to admit that one thing I find hilarious is that how often people feel the need to "help" adoptees "understand" adoption and do this by saying "I will tell you who is who and what is what in adoption". Also, there seems to be a misconception that adoptees live in a land called Adopteeland and have never come across a biologically raised person in their life because for some reason everyone seems to feel the need to tell adoptees about how biological families function. " made me smile-- SO TRUE. Funnily enough, and I suppose the thing that makes people's brains hurt when they hear my story is that All of my Parents are Real. All of my Siblings are Real. There are simply complications. I am far enough away from this particular incident that I can laugh and shake my head about it now. But, really, the ever-living gall of some people, huh?

I was actually on another forum (a forum where adoption is a subforum) where there was a discussion about mothers/fathers. I said that I considered myself to have two mothers and two fathers and I can't count the number of people (none of whom seemed to have any real connection to adoption) who felt the need to tell me that only the mother raising the child was entitled to be called "mother" and thus I was wrong to consider my bmom one of my mothers. I tried to point out that I personally only call my raising mother "mom" but felt that I was entitled to decide who my mother/s were. If other peole don't want to call their bmothers mothers that is their prerogative, just as it is mine to do so. In reality, it is often the individual situation that can make the difference of whether I feel comfortable about a title or not. For example, if my bfamily want to refer to my bmom as "your mother", I am not going to stop them and in fact I would sort of find it weird if they called her "your bmother", though I actually would rather they just call her by her first name - makes it so much easier lol. However, I might find it disconcerting if people who knew my APs called my bmother "your mom" because they would know I call my amom mom. However, I would have no problem with them saying "your mother" or "your birtmother".

Okay, so who is supposed to buy the child a unicorn? The real parent or the other parent? And can you remind me which is which again? That "real" word is my button. My son has lots of "real" people in his life. As so many of the pps have said, no one can define for you what is "real" or what even "real" means, for that matter. It amazes me, though, how many people believe their perspective is/should be everyone else's...it's funny how so many other people understand my life and my experiences better than I do. Maybe I should work on that.

I am pretty sure the adopted parents are supposed to buy the kid a pony. Real or not. Maybe that's only in "Old Once Upon A Time Adoption" tho. I always heard pony and pool, I never got either, so I am still a little ticked.;) Adoptees are often stereotyped as being great liars, doh, having great imaginations so pony/unicorn, whatever:rolleyes: Please don't point out that my self provided donkey... oops, I mean my unicorns' horn is just a stick. I refuse to believe it's not real! I think we all have our own definitions of real!

Really? You mean half the people in his life (either adoptive family or biological family) aren't cartoon characters?! ;)Yes, I think the "real" thing is a trigger for most. Everyone has their own definition but we don't get to tell others they are "real" or "not real" and we don't get to tell others who can or can't be "real" for them!I'm lucky, I've only had one person use this term with me. My hair dresser asked if I had any contact with Sweetpea's "real mother". She quickly apologized even before I had a chance to respond, though. She knew what she said as soon as it came out of her mouth.

Oh wait I have one for you!!!I'm an only child... I don't know my biofamily.... but I have a brother.... He is my brother because I say he is i promise you hes "real" and not made up.We adopted each other in a sense, its fun to introduce him to people who know i'm an only child"So and so this is my brother Nik (Moose)" the look on their faces are pricelessI guess one advantage to being an adoptee is that you tend to "adopt" family of your own when you don't connect well with afamilyI have built a network of brothers and sisters that are REAL aunts and uncles to my kidsWe support each other and most people believe we are siblings with the way we interacthey adoption told us that blood has nothing to do with family right? ;p

I have a couple of living alone Grandpa neighbors I make sure have something to eat and something clean to wear everyday, at the least. I refer to them as Grandpa when I talk about them. When driving thru for Grandpa's milkshakes, (apparently these old guys like milkshakes when they won't eat anything else - when they really need to eat something, anything, pllleeeaassee eat something, arrrrgg) the women working there ask me how each Grandpa is, and if they liked their milkshakes yesterday. They've never asked, always assumed, and I'd never say they aren't my Real Grandpas! One is 89, he ALWAYS refers to my bio people as my real mom, real dad, real brother. At first I know it was because of his age and how things were said for so long. I think by now he must do it just to aggravate me, even tho he looks pretty innocent when doing it LOL cause when he asks "are you talking about your real Dad?" I always ask, "Which real Dad?" The half-brother thing throws him too, like it's only half - real brother, doesn't count as a real brother:cool: I was talking about my first cousin, he says; "You mean your half-real-cousin?" "No, I mean my full first cousin, my dad's brother's daughter" I am not sure if it is even possible to have a half- first- cousin! He's still studying on that one LOL cause I couldn't possibly be right.:grr: Why do I attract aggravating men! Can I blame that on adoption?:evilgrin:

That's too funny baby! I have a few "real blood brothers" that I am not related to genetically, as far as I know anyway, so far. Some of my favorite Moms are not my legal or genetic moms in any way. We lost my favorite one this year "Good Momma" she was 90 and the best Momma I've ever known. And everyone called her Good Momma, even her real kids;)

You Are lucky! Give it time LOL I do love the look on peoples faces when I ask "which real dad" or when they realize it on their own LOL It's easier for me to try to find the trigger funny. I enjoy teasing some people about it. It usually is just a dumb mistake - something most people don't notice. Some can kiss my *** tho!

I met my best friend when I was 5. She is like another sister to me. Peanut calls her Aunt K-- and her kids call me Aunt L---. Her brother is married to a woman who has the same name as me. Even though legally she is their aunt, she's just plain ol' "L---" because I'M "Aunt L----." That real enough for ya? :cool:

Being a mother of a son and a surrogated daughter, I feel hesitation whenever my boy asks me why his sister is dark and we all are white. I end up giving false and stupid answers to him, knowing that he's too small to understand why I had to go for surrogacy from Surrogacy India. I don't know how I will let her know that I'm not her birth-mother. She might be shattered!Any advice? I am scared for her future.