Contacted Bio Mother - No Reply :( Advice?

November 12, 2012

Hi All,

New to this site as I am looking for some advice.

My husband is 36 and was adopted at birth into a great family and loving parents. He has two younger sisters who are his adoptive parents biological children.

We recently ordered his adoption/birth papers out of curiosity (he's never been all that interested to actively search for his bio parents, just curious about them) and when they arrived a week ago we searched his birth mothers name on facebook. She came right up still living in the town my husband was born in. She has 3 adult children (one son who looks very much like him)

So we sent a private message to her along the lines of he would like to make contact with her and invited her to reply though mentioned that we would respect her decision to decline if she wished not to.

A week later we have not received a reply :(

Even though my husband wasnt really actively seeking to make contact, now that he has seen pictures of all the family i think he really is quite keen to hear from her and possibly get to know his bio family, its upsetting to be waiting anxiously with no response.

Im thinking about writing a letter to her to explain the situation as the message my husband left on facebook was very short and could possibly have been taken as being a little abrupt/angry.

Would any of you recommend making further contact? Maybe after another few weeks if she still hasnt replied on facebook? Should we persevere in trying to contact her, ask her to at least provide an explanation as to why she isnt interested in making contact? Try to contact other family members (we are not keen on contacting anyone else as she probably hasnt told her family/children) as my husband would love to speak to his brothers/sister.

There is no etiquette or rule book it seems on how to go about these things so im just after a little advice from people that may be/have been in this situation. Especially birth mothers who dont want to know their adult children....

Thanks

Shell

DianeS

November 12, 2012

Facebook has implemented a messaging category that is causing a LOT of people trouble. If you are not "friends" with the person, then your personal message to them will land in that person's "other" folder.

Don't know about the "other" folder? Yeah, she probably doesn't know about it either. Which means she probably hasn't read his message, and doesn't even know one was sent. So I'd proceed under that assumption - that she has no clue about the first message.

To find your "other" folder - Click the word "messages" on the left side of your screen. (NOT the messages icon on the top.) Your "inbox" is automatically shown. If you want to read your "other" messages you have to first find the word Inbox in dark black, then look to the right to find Other in light grey.

Hope that helps!

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Shell_B

November 12, 2012

Thanks for your reply. Will check it out.

L4R

November 13, 2012

The "other" messages section is a black hole into which many messages are forever lost.

If he wants to pursue this, he should. But, he probably should do some research on adoption reunions first. He may not get the response he is hoping to receive, or he may be met with open arms.

His b-mom may have kept this part of her life a secret from her husband and children. If she has children living at home, she might be especially terrified that her secret will be revealed.

Some people choose to call. Some choose to write letters. Others attempt to friend their b-families on FB.

That is a personal decision. But, I would recommend that any correspondence be written by your husband. It is much harder to turn away your child than to turn away someone else.

Good luck.

PADJ

November 13, 2012

I would think that additional contact is in order. There's the question of whether his original message was received, and if was received how it may have been interpreted, so if for no reason other than those I think it's worthwhile.

Your husband could call or write or do some additional messaging via Facebook, but a couple of things occur to me. First, no written medium conveys feeling, emotion and intent as well as the human voice. I've had to back pedal and patch up I don't know how many different problems because what I wrote was taken differently by the other party (I knew what I meant...why didn't they? LOL!).

Second, should it be decided to pursue additional contact, it's my .02 that it should come from him. It's his birth family and his decision to make. And having been on the receiving end of a call from one side of my family and responsible for outgoing contact to another side, and all the feelings those dredge up I don't think it would be helpful for you to make the contact for him. If you decide to ghost write something for him and he agrees with it all, that's fine. But the contact should at least appear to come from him to his family. My .02 at least.

Best,

PADJ

Shell_B

November 13, 2012

Thank you for the replies and some helpful advice. I have been reading a bit about adoption reunions and in fact a few weeks ago went with my mother to meet a sister that was adopted 60 years ago... It was quite an experience.

I have to agree that any contact should be made by husband though he isnt very computer savvy and doesnt like writing letters, i think the ghost write idea is a good one or probably we could do it together but sign it from him.

I think he's pretty apprehensive about the whole thing and is a bit afraid of rejection... hard to know.... he's very manly man if you know what I mean, doesnt speak about feelings etc. When we first found her on facebook he couldnt hide his excitement though so i definitely think its worth another shot.

Thank you all again,

Shell