Tantrums and aggression in an almost 5-year-old

Oh my yes, is this little one high strung! :arrow: I've decided that DJ needs exercise the way other kids need air. Fortunately, I'm antsy enough that this isn't a bad thing for me either. I'm enjoying our morning races. As far as keeping all of the art supplies out - we've tried that. In fact, his santa claus present is probably going to be art shelves for his room because he's really into art. But we have light carpet all over our house, so that can be tricky. He was asking for permission for the art pencils because we'd found them all over the carpet getting stepped on. One reason I'm interested in the NDP evaluation is that I want to figure out how the pieces fit. He's gifted and he's got so many of those traits - intense, persistent, sensitive, capable of really subtle button pushing. I've joked forever that I'm his favorite toy. He's definitely SPD. Gifted trait? Prenatal exposure trait? Could be both or neither. Same could be said of the emotional regulation issues - and he's got those, too. How much control he has over it varies. Sometimes he's genuinely losing control and sometimes he's just being a little you-know-what. Yesterday, he thought he'd try making a scene in the library and a glare from me with, "HOW old are you, young man?" was enough to make him change his mind. But a two-year-old taking her bucket back at the park had him kicking and screaming. (Saints preserve us.) That one really did send him into the red zone. He has huge issues with having what he's doing suddenly interrupted. Last week, he would not have wanted to calm down. He would have made a decision at some point to just carry on to the nth degree. Yesterday, I could see him wavering until I told him what the rest of the afternoon would be like if Mommy had to drive to the park to pick us up. Then he decided that calming down might be the better choice. So I'm constantly having to judge when to be the emotion coach and when to be the drill sergeant. Alys - I'm trying to figure out his school for next year, because he will need a lot of stimulation or he will definitely decide that it would be more interesting to run the show than pretend to be interested in learning letters and numbers. But this year? His teacher has him doing research projects and multiplication. She plays a game with him where she gives him complicated written instructions and he has to see how fast he can do it. So I don't think that's the problem this year. Kindergarten is probably going to be a come-down from preschool. We do have a couple of gifted kids that we have play dates with. On the first one, the mom of the other kid and I were grinning to each other as our little eggheads starting playing a rhythm/math game with each other in the back seat. It was fun to hear the two of them doing their thing together. I'm trying to picture what he would do if I just dumped him in the shower. . . My mom suggested that I treat him like a cat and just start shooting him with a spray bottle every time he starts pitching a fit for effect. (My mom adores him. But she's seen DJ at his finest, too.) Both images crack me up. But I don't know if I'm ready to try that, yet.

OMG. I've SO wanted to do this so many times! There've been so many times I've been tempted to get an air horn just to interrupt the darn fit over nothing!! I'm worried that someone will call CPS on us, though. I would be concerned that the cold shower could be construed as abusive as well. The closest substitute I've found (which doesn't work terribly well) is clapping really loud right next to DD's face to try to snap her out of it.

Well, it seems to be working. Enough. We spin, swing, play and have races in the morning. (I bought a pair of inline skates for myself. I'm either going to get some great exercise or my first broken limb. Maybe both.) His teacher said that he's much more peaceful at school. Except on Friday. On Friday we had a huge rainstorm and couldn't get out. And I had a lot of planning to do for work that morning so I wasn't as available. He had a totally rotten day. Although he wasn't sent home. I guess that's something! Doing this basically means that I have to have my lessons planned and be showered and dressed by the time DJ wakes up at 5:30 or so. (Yawn.) Anything for my child! I'm finally accepting that I'm not going back to full time teaching next year. My partner said that she figured that out a while ago. No way can he cope with a change in schools and me going back to a full time job at the same time. I'm sad and a little scared about that. I never thought I would take 6 years off from my career. But that's life, I suppose.

Thanks for the update. I wondered how he was doing. Can you find indoor things for him to do the mornings you can't get to the park? On days like that I like to recruit help moving all the books from one spot to another. I usually change my mind and need help putting them back where they were too.:) (if I play up how much I need his help he will do it while I accomplish other things.). I don't know if that would help but I thought I'd throw it out there. I'm glad to hear things are getting better!

I should clarify that "cold" is a subjective term. We live in the desert, so the water usually 50-60 degrees straight out of the "cold" tap. And I didn't pour it on her face so no fear of drowning. I like the squirt bottle idea, but I worry it would have only made her annoyed/madder. The wet clothes was enough to interrupt her ability to keep raging. (a bucket of water would have also been effective, but messier than the shower)Glad to hear an update. Drill Seargant vs Emotional Coach is the best description ever!

We live in a condo, so what we can do indoors is a little limited. Our building has good solid walls, and those of us on the same floor never hear each other. But it's a different story with the people below us. We have a tense relationship already. Their cigarette smoke and our noise mean that we are not a huge fan of one another as it is!But hauling books . . . Now THAT I can do! :) (As long as he doesn't drop them on the floor.) I also have him jump on his bed. Or I spin him and throw him on his bed. Or I spin him in an office chair. Or I put him in the tub. Sometimes I am the mommy play gym. He throws himself at me and we wrestle. I'm starting to wish I was a bigger person for that exercise! But I can tell he's wound up when he starts crashing into me full force and trying to climb on my head. :arrow:

Other ideas for indoor "heavy work": Medicine ball and a tunnel - have him push the medicine ball through one of those collapsible fabric tunnels. The OT says the crawling is great. Different types of crawls: crab walks, bear walks, ostrich walks (grab ankles and walk), army crawl (on elbows and knees), wheelbarrow down the hall and back. Scooter board - especially on thicker pile carpet gives good sensory stimulation Get a rope and have him pull it towards him while you give resistance. We also have those plastic sleds and have DD pull herself with the rope while sitting in the sled - pulls herself across the carpet. Bean box - fill a big box with dried pinto beans and bury small objects in it - let him dig through it. We do a lot of our sensory work inside because of our climate ... hope those help!

Would a Wii fit type of game help? Some sort of interactive exercise game?

The tunnel works great at our house. 2 other thoughts. Have you tried oral heavy work? Drinking yogurt through a straw is one of the most calming activities my son does. The other indoor activity he loves is playing with an exercise band. He pulls it and plays with it but when he needs a good workout we put one end in the door and he pulls it as hard as he can and then watches it fly. His OT held it and let it hit her instead of using a door, it stung a little but it doesn't hit hard enough to do damage.

I would caution against screen time. Any amount of it seems to set my DS off. Mine did go through a really rough period at that age. Exact same age. Like to the point where I didn't know what to do with him. THe only thing that has not been mentioned on here that is a good inside spinner is the sit-n-spin. I know you guys are really busy already but he might really benefit from something like karate, diving,swimming (swim team type, not kid lessons) or gynmastics (although I think there is too much standing around time in little kids gymnastics. At that age my child did really well with severe consequences. Like lose all tv for a month for one tantrum, throw all the trains away for mouthing off even once etc. . . By severe I mean somewhat shocking, out of no where like the cold shower. Usually I would set up some way to earn back whatever he had lost. Like 5 days with no tantrum and you can have an hour of TV. Our big problem at that age was bed time. It still continues to be to some degree but now DS is able to understand the true consequences (being exhausted in the morning, poor performance on the diving board) so its not quite as bad. I am currently saying a little prayer of thanks that I do not have to take part in as much excersise as you. Last thing, it may not be possible right now, but my DS seems to really like kayaking and stand up paddle boarding (by himself). I would say that after a long paddle is the closest he ever gets to normal.

We've tried the heavy consequences. DJ falls apart with that approach. I really do feel like we walk a fine line. He need limits. He also needs us to help him calm down and keep control. We do limit screen time. I agree that it ramps him up, so he gets very little. For oral stimulation, I got him several things to chew on and I often give him gum. (Although he can't have it at school, of course.) But yogurt through a straw would be easy. We can try and see if sucking is a good thing, too. We've done a lot of the fine, sensory play - sand, oobleck, water, etc. That was really effective for him when he was a toddler. It still is to an extent, but less so. He likes doing things like finger knitting, though. That relaxes him. I'm going to try the exercises with the exercise band/rope and the different crawls. I think that would be good for him. We did gymnastics and he was good at it an liked it, but that was a situation where he had to exercise a lot of control. There is a bit of wait time there and the crowded, echoey room is exactly the kind of place that triggers him. I'm a little worried that karate would be the same situation. Right now, we get a lot of physical exercise. After school, we often ride bikes/scooters down to the park to play. I think unstructured physical play is the best thing for him at this stage.

I think karate would be highly different than gymnastics. There is much more structure, and how do I say... teaching a moral code or "right behavior", along with exercise. The children aren't allowed to speak up willy nilly, or to run around willy nilly. Teaching self control is a huge part .It teaches the ability to STOP. If you're teaching punch once, half of what you're teaching is STOP. I took my traumatized gifted son to that, and it was helpful. I think a lot of gifted people, certainly the ADHD type of person, and traumatized individuals all tend to have problems with transitions, aka "stopping". The net result should be increased ability to stop a tantrum, stop an activity, stop hitting, etc.You should be able to investigate dojos in your area, and many will have big signs up about their philosophy or code of conduct on the walls. I've never seen a gymnastics class where teaching respect was part of it, but maybe there are some, lol.

I think signing him up for a class of some kind won't be as good as what you are already doing. Your taking him out in the morning to expend all of his extra energy, and get tons of sensory input BEFORE school. I think that is the important part, doing it before having to sit still for hours on end. I don't think gynastics, karate, etc, have classes that early in the days. As for rainy mornings, is there a YMCA or gym that you can take him to? Or even a McDonalds indoor playgound?

We do lots of sensory stuff at home, but my son is also in taekwondo and soccer. Taekwondo has been WONDERFUL for him. And pp is correct-- it totally has taught him so much about listening, stopping his body, etc. So much so, that when he started soccer a few weeks ago, we realized that he is the best behaved one in the soccer program. There are times he says he doesn't want to go, but I don't even argue with him. I just say "we signed you up, and you're going", and he ends up having a great class. He just got his yellow stripe, and was SO proud of himself.

I have also seen a child sized exercise bike somewhere. Don't know much about it, cause I didn't look close cause my youngest is 12 (and wouldn't be physically able to do it anyway) but that might be something that would not bother the neighbors but would get some energy out.