Nancy Verrier - My Adopted Life

Hello All: I am new to this forum but have been reunited adoptee since 1996. When I was going through my reunion in the 90's I was going to a support group in Toronto called "Parent Finders" (I have a post going if anyone knows what happened to them). Anyway, during that time i was given a "report" of Nancy Verrier's which I believe may have been her masters thesis that was used to write "The Primal Wound". It was about a30 page document all about what theoritically could happen to a baby if it was seperated from the b/m. At the time of my reunuion I was in a bad point in my life. I was suffering from depression due to a job loss and an engagement that had gone sour. I am not even sure if found my b/m because I truly wanted to or I did it to make an excuse for what i was going through. Regardless, I was able to find my birth parents relatively easily and at the beginning except for a few hiccups things went very smooth. I had an instant bond with my b/m and many of my curiousities and shortcomings came to light after meeting her. My b/f was more distant and that relationship took years to manifest. My relationship with my b/m ended in 2009 with her emailing me a very nasty message because i had the "nerve" to tell my mother (adopted) that I was hurt that I received no card or phone call from her on my birthday. Keeping in mind that at that point my b/m and I talked constantly and had what I thought was a great raport. Anyway, was able to move on with my life and decided it wasn't worth it anymore and was living an "existence' until March of this year and then all $h*t hit the fan; I met a girl. Within a month of meeting this girl (who btw is a pyschologist.....go figure) I was in complete panick mode. I couldn't sleep, barely could eat and started suffering from anxiety and panick attacks. I couldn't understand why as I had a decent life, I didn't have any worries as my parents (adoptive) were supportive of me and I am lucky enough that I will be able to support myself with an inheritence. our family is not "rich" but my father had a successful career and there will be enough left over for me. I started reviewing my life and obsessing on all my poor choices and failures. I had some success as well, but couldn't put those in perspective. I kept worrying and thinking i wasn't good enough for my new g/f and that she would leave me if I didn't do exactly what she wanted/needed. My panick attacks started turning into chronic insomnia which I am still dealing with, and I have been in therapy now for about 3 months. In a positive spin I am hoping that I am getting better, but it is lonely place I am in right now. Anyway I always figured since I had already been through a depression and a reunion that these current day issues were not adopted related, and then about 2 weeks ago I googled "Thr Primal Wound" and went to Nancy's web site. I started reading some of the links, and when I read the "essay" link I hit a wall! EVERYTHING in that little essay is about me, my entire life and the reason why I am having these issues today, at 47 years old! Even though I had explored many of Nancy's theories back in the 90's when I went through my reunion I never really applied them to me, or how I as the relinquished baby would react when I found love. Prior to meeting my g/f I would always date girls who chased me and would tolerate my lifestyle. It was obviously a security thing for me, having the girl but not letting her have me. I have made many of the poor choices Nancy talks about in this essay on her site (I was the rebel not the compliant adoptee), and although I almost achieved an athletic endavour I now find myself in a big dilemna. I am undereducated, and unemployed. I am returing to school in January to attempt to resolve both those issues. In the meantime I have lick my wounds regarding my poor choices, but with the knowledge Nancy has provided for me it makes it a bit better. I am planning on reading all her books. I picked up a copy of "The Primal Wound" today and plan to start it tonight. The I will attempt "Coming Home to Self". I feel I am in a delayed maturation scenario right now and it is scary as you know what to be there. All I can do I guess is to fight for myself, and find who my true self is. If I don't do that then I know my relationship won't make it and I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. Anyway, if anyone in the adoption circle has questions or concerns I would strongly recommend going to Nancy's site and read her writings. I am praying to God that it will me going in the right direction. Looking forward to chatting with everyone regarding this complex and silent issue that is still swept under the rug in our society.