Advice needed - 1st birth mom visit

I would bring some toys and stuff from home. Bring pictures that you can look through together. It will give you something to talk about as you look through them. Ask about her life but don't be too intrusive. I try to ask a question or two each time we visit and then write down the answers for the kids when we get home. Our first mom had our son’s first two years so I like to ask stuff that helps me fill out his baby book. We were very nervous with our first visits. The only thing that we think we would have done differently is limiting the number of people that first mom brought with her. The visit became a little too much when she brought her parents, cousins, grandma, etc. She only has a short amount of time with the kids so sharing it with everyone might feel like a good idea but I could see how overwhelming it was for the kids and our kid’s first mom. Remember that she is probably just as scared as you are.

AmeliaMarie: I am in no way trying to be rude but you say you believe in open adoption but contact is done through an agency and the visit will be done at an agency with someone present? That is not an open adoption in the true sense of open adoption. If it were truly open, you wouldn't need a middle man such as an agency. It's hard to convey to a child that you want them to have a relationship with their birthfamily if you aren't willing to have one. What you seem to have at this point is a semi-open adoption. If you want a real open adoption, you have to have a real relationship with your child's birthfamily. Actions will always speak alot louder than words to a child. With all that being said, I hope you enjoyed the visit and that you and your son can begin building a truly open relationship with his birthmom. Good luck!

Open adoption means many different things to different bfamilies and adoptive families. The OP has only meet bmom once the day before she gave birth and from the reading above they haven't meet face to face since so it would seem to me a great plan to start first visits at the agency. For our first visits we meet at the agency (we also had limited contact with bmom) and the SW was great in breaking the ice and providing us some guidance of how to do a thing (have a visit) that no one in the room had ever done before. She spoke to both families prior to the meeting about expectations (time, pictures, questions) and then spoke with both of us after. She also provided us a visit questionaire so that we could agree on whether we wanted to continue visiting at agency or meet somewhere else. We decided to meet other places without SW but never in our respective homes. Doesn't mean we don't like and respect each other doesn't mean we don't have what we consider an "open adoption," just means we didn't want it to include that. My advice to the OP and anyone entering into an open adoption relationship is start slow because you can always be "more open," but once you start something its almost impossible to go backwards.

I realize by now you've already had the visit, and I hope it went well. Our first visit was definitely the hardest one for me because I didn't know what to expect, didn't know how first mom would feel, hoped she would see he was loved and well cared for...it went well. However on the way back to the car it hit me that at the end of the visit she had to leave him again and I just started crying. As we have had more and more visits, they become easier and easier. We meet at family-oriented places, and it's nice to be able to see them make fun memories-for example, we had a visit around Halloween at a local festival so she could see him in his costume and decorate pumpkins with him-typical Halloween stuff you do wih your kid. Good luck to you.

Beachy: I have to disagree with you on this one. As an adoptive parent AND an adoptee, I have to say that not having your child's birthfamily in your home speaks volumes. Of course, I realize that sometimes there may be circumstances where a supervised visit or not meeting in your home would be appropriate (safety issues, documented abuse, neglect) but that is certainly not the norm. If there are no safety issues involved and the birthfamily wants a relationship than there is no excuse for not having a wide open adoption. The excuses I hear from adoptive parent's are selfish and fearful in nature and NOT child centered in the least bit. My daughter's birthmom and I chose to have a wide open adoption because it's what's best for HER, not what's most comfortable for us. I find it infuriating when birthparents hand a child over to adoptive parents, trusting them with the MOST precious thing on the planet and then the adoptive parents turn around and say they need to "build trust" or they're "not comfortable" with having a close relationship with their child's original family. How hypocritical. My daughter's family entrusted their CHILD to me, so I figure the LEAST I can do is welcome them into my home and treat them like family. The problem with most "open adoptions" is that they aren't actually open and the poor birthparents were sold on the idea that they would be able to have a relationship with their child only to find they are going to get supervised visitation and pictures intermittently. I can't imagine how they feel waiting for a "visit" that they don't know for sure is coming. I have way more respect for my daughter's birthmom than that and that's all it boils down to, lack of respect for the people who gave your child life and ultimately trusted you to do what's best for them.