Advertisements
Advertisements
So I will apologize now for the length of this thread. I will try to condense and keep it as short as possible.
Thirty-one years ago I was adopted at the age of three. I had lived with my adoptive family since I was 10 months old. My bio-mom was very neglectful and abuseful. An addict and someone who cared only for herself she did not take care of me. The family I was adopted by was the family that owned a daycare center where I was left for weeks at a time. After having pneumonia for the fourth time in the first ten months of my life I was taken by the state from my bio-mom. The family was given the opportunity to adopt me and they did. The husband and wife had for biological children of their own already. They had a famiky vote with the kids who ranged from a 7 year old girl to the oldest boy being 16. All of their children were in agreement they wanted to adopt me. I was three the first time I was told.
My bio-mom was not sure who my bio-father was/is. The one name she could remember proved through DNA not to be. I have a younger half brother by my bio-mom whom she fought to keep with her. She never wanted me and always wanted him.
My dad died when I was six of a heart attack. That left my mom at home with four children as my oldest brother had gotten married. My mom literally lost it and life with her for the next ten years were filled with happy and horribly abusive times. It like she was two people. At 17 I moved out to my second oldest brother and wife's home.
Through out the years my mom has said hurtful things to me. She was abused herself and I really feel is a cycle she continued. I have only in the past year and a half forgiven her and let go of that pain.
At the end of September she almost died after her third son knew she was sick and said she was faking. I took her to the hospital and the doctor said had I not brought her in when I did she would have died. Her son he didn't care if she died or not as he did not lover her. Come to find out he had been being very emotionally and verbally abusive to her. Making threats etc and she was afraid of him. She asked me to be her power of attorney and if I would help her. I agreed. Since then my second and third brothers have said I should not have a voice because I am not blood and I am not really their sister. I was very close to all of their children. My relationship changed with their second and third sons about five years ago when they both got on drugs am alcohol and frankly I didn't want to be around them. Well apparently my sister their bio-child has an issue with the adoption too. She has said many times in the past that mom can disown them but not me. Well for someone reason she hates my mom. My mom was in the hospital this past week with pneumonia and almost died again. Her daughter didn't want to come sit with her. I was with her day and night away from my family for five days. She has no children of her own and pitched a fit about going sit with her. I told her if she was going to be mean not to go. Mom said she maybe spoke 10 words to her the whole time she was there. My sister and I got into an argument Saturday about all this. She professes to be a Christian but can't forgive my mom for whatever it is she think she has done. She got any and everything she ever wanted. Was denied nothing. My moms two bum boys the same thing but they all act though they hate her. I know she has word vomit and all but she is 71 years old. She is dying. I have forgiven her for the abuses she put me through. I have forgiven my bio-mom too. I don't get why they are this way. Why after all this time they have an issue with the fact I am adopted.
I had Christmas at my house this year as I always have for the past 14 years. I did not invite everyone because I have nothing to say to those two boys. My sister did come and did not speak one word to me. My mom told her merry Christmas and that she loved her and my sister did my reply.
I feel lost at this point. Completely unwanted by anyone. My bio-mom never wanted me and now these people who have been my family and rock for years don't want me. It makes me feel it was all a lie. Them, their kids all of it, all the things I did over the years to help them and love them was all a lie.
This now more than ever has me nervous about my relationship with my husband and children. I have HUGE insecurities when it comes to any relationships. I feel like I will only disappoint my husband and children in some way and they will walk away from me too.
I am alone and lost and scared......
Like
Share
I'm sorry you are hurting. As to your husband and kids - don't even think that - completely separate. Continue loving your husband and kids and being the best person you can be.
With your mom close to the end - the "estate" may be in their mind, however much, or little, it may be. Many families get torn apart over estates - money and who deserves it in someone's mind, and who doesn't, brings out the worst of the worst in some. Being the only "adopted" one makes you the target.
Just keep living your life with grace and understand that at the end of the day - you will be able to sleep at night with how you acted.
Kind regards,
Dickons
Like
Share
Advertisements
Thank you for your kind words.
I know that realistically things should be different with my husband and children. I however remain ever fearful that they too will find a reason not to stay or not to love me. I have always felt my abandonment was my fault which has in turn made me feel unworthy of anyone's love. I feel as though if I am not a perfect daughter, wife, aunt, sibling, mom etc that I will not deserve their love.
As to the estate, it's ridiculously small. She has no real assets and what she does have is not worth more than $30k. I don't get it really their behavior towards her or towards me. What would they have me do sit backs and let her suffer and die?
Like
Share
I however remain ever fearful that they too will find a reason not to stay or not to love me. I have always felt my abandonment was my fault which has in turn made me feel unworthy of anyone's love. I feel as though if I am not a perfect daughter, wife, aunt, sibling, mom etc that I will not deserve their love.
This is such a common feeling for adoptees - just know that you are not alone in feeling it. If you believe it stems from being adopted and that there was something wrong with you (putting it bluntly) which is why you were surrendered, then I may have a solution to help you put that feeling to bed. The following is if you feel that way.
I don't know what era you were born in - but if you can - take the time to research that era with different eyes than what you had growing up. For example, my era - the baby scoop era (post WWII - mid 70's) the only two choices for a middle class family, or above was a hasty marriage, or send the expectant mother away to a maternity home or to a 'sick' relative in another city, and for her to return with no baby. The shame was on the entire family and they would be shunned. There also was little to no support, and even renting an apartment was almost impossible as a single mother, and employers won't want a tainted employee. The next couple of decades were not as harsh, but the services were minimal, and if you were in highschool you were kicked out. Understand how society acted when your mother was pregnant, and how much power they had over the entire family, within the commuinity. Growing up I did not see how it really was, and by the time I could have seen it - society had changed.
The other suggestion is that you get "The Girls Who Went Away" by Ann Fessler. She is an adoptee who has spent so much time researching, and interviewing mothers. For so many of us - we were wanted, loved, and would have been kept - if not for the times. Fessler has also produced a documentary about it as well. You may have to order the book but if you haven't read it, it is the best book out there to really understand the opposite side, and in return it helps you. Even in some communities today it is not acceptable for a single mother to keep her child.
Understand with your adult brain - what your mother went through, and then decide whether or not the odds are that you weren't desperately wanted, and loveable. You may still struggle with it - but it may allow you to see your fears are only that - fears.
As to the estate side - it does not seem to matter the amount - some people will always think only they are entitled. Keep doing what you feel you should be doing for your mom - you won't have any feelngs of guilt afterwards. Stand your ground and make sure her best interests are what you base your actions on - not what your siblings are bickering about or muttering about.
Take care,
Dickons
Like
Share
Things in the way of my bio-mom were different than yours. She was very promiscuous and didn't care who knew. Her mother and father divorced when she was 16. She was on drugs and an alcoholic as well. Her father passed away when she was 18 from cancer. He left her everything of his $1 million estate. Within one year it was all gone. She spent it all.
My grandmother was an educated woman and nurse at the hospital. She was embarrassed by the behavior of her only child but did all she could to help her stay on the right track.
My bio-mom slept with a minimum of four men when she got pregnant for me. This is what she told my grandmother. In August of 2010 a DNA test was done with the man she was adamant was my bio-dad. It proved he was not by 99.99%. The second man she said was my bio-dad says he never slept with her. She can't remember the other names.
I was born in 1978. I have never reached out to other adoptees. I don't know why I just haven't. This is the first time I have ever "talked" to another adoptee about any of this.
I have been in therapy for the past four years dealing with this stuff. I have come a long way with some things. Others are so deep rooted; I know what is logical and reasonable but that little voice is always there.
As to my "siblings" I will do what is right by my mom and her wishes. They will not sway who I am as a person even with all their hurtful words.
Like
Share
Lost - wow - that is a hard story to have. Cannot imagine how I would react to it being mine. I can tell you have the courage and the staying power to find a way to (struggling for the right words) - live with it. I am so glad you are working with someone.
Your logical and reasonable vs the other voice - I call that the war between my adult brain and my child's brain. Not that it really makes it easier to ignore, or overcome, but I do find it helpful to separate the two.
I enjoy talking to other adoptees - even if their stories aren't like mine - there is always the fact that for whatever reason they were born into one family and raised in another.
Is your husband like mine who is willing to deal with / reassure, prove false - the 'are you going to leave' feelings?
Kind regards,
Dickons
Like
Share
Advertisements