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Hello All,
This is my first post!! All I can say is thank The Lord that I found a place to ask questions and to get feed back! I have a bit of a long but I will try to not go on and on! I would REALLY appreciate ANY AND ALL positive feedback!
About 2 years ago I started looking into adoption. Hubby and I have been trying and still are trying for our own baby but I have always kinda felt like I would like to see about adoption! I put out online profiles and "classifieds" and nothing happened for almost 2 years!!! Well on Dec 4th I got an inquiry from a birth mother (please don't make a big deal about me calling her that) in Maine ...I'm in Mo. I was so excited and right away made contact and found out that she was 16 and pregnant with twin! I asked all the questions that I had researched to be appropriate. And she seemed like a great match. She said that her parents and she would talk and get back to me. Well she got back to me and we started talking about the future and such. I wanted to have an actual conversation with her and her mother so I suggested a Skype meeting. It went great. She seemed wonderful and her mother was great! So we kept pursuing!
Then it ALL turned... She went into the hospital on Dec 29th for an O2 deficiency... I guess asthma. I was so worried, I sent flowers and talked with her on the phone... I just tried to be there for her and the babies. She is 10.5 weeks and I figured that she might be miscarrying. I have go through it several time so I thought I would be there for her and then walk away! But she recovered and the babies are very strong. My thing is A LOT of stuff came out in the few days she was in the hospital.
Like... These babies where conceived by rape. (she led me to believe that it was her bf's)
She has severe asthma, and seizures!!
She has a bad anger problem... And is a cutter...
Her adopted mother (didn't know that until this all happened) is crazy! I don't know what to do...
I guess I just really want to know If this is the normal for what I will find out there... Wether I out to get out of this know or keep persuing this match.
There is a lot that I don't like about this but I am confused on what is normal... Please please help!!
I am so sad and frustrated! Thank you!
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This is beyond early for a match. Most agencies won't even let emom look through profiles into late 2nd trimester or 3rd trimester (as with our agency). You need to speak with attorney, social workers, etc about the resources available to you and your emom (whether this one or future) if you plan on doing this without an agency or faciliator.
As with all placements there is so much excitment, hopefulness and promise but with that comes uncertainity and self doubt.
The first and foremost if you are going to pursue this, which I personally IMHO is way too early to consider any sort of placement, you seek some form of therapy or counseling and set her up immediately for her. Just as with any placement, you need to know what you are comfortable with regardless of whether you are waiting 1 day, 1 year, or multiple years. Your heart will take the leap of faith before logic sets in. I know that there are people under the general adoptive support who have done their own placement but again IMHO an agency or some form of professional who can help guide both parties is worth it.
I agree with others that I would not match with an emom this early in her pregnancy. It doesn't sound like she has had any kind of counseling around the pregnancy, and may not have had any around the rape, either (and remember that just because she conceived through rape does not mean that it was not her boyfriend). No, not all emoms have these kinds of behaviors and issues. The issues you've mentioned are not actually that unusual for teenagers, so if you do match with a teenage emom (this young woman or another), she may have some of the same challenges (I'm trying to remember the latest statistics I've seen, but I think something like 1/3 of teenagers have tried cutting at least once - it's pretty common). Don't match with an emom you don't feel comfortable having some kind of lifelong connection with, because that's what you will have. Even if you and she agree on a totally closed adoption, there is a connection even without contact, and your child may choose to find and have a relationship with her as an adult. She doesn't have to be someone you want as your best friend, but if she should, after birth, make the decision to place, she will be your child's birthmother forever, so you need to have some level of comfort with her.
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