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Well that was an eye opening visit. She basically told me she was planning on staying in foster care because she won't ACCEPT being treated like an animal anymore. No WONDER the foster parents and GAL think we are abusers. No one is checking with the past therapist, relatives, our other kids, school officials etc. We are treating her like an animal by:
1. Alarm on her room door (due to constant sneaking out and RAD)
2. Cutting her off from the world (grounded due to stealing and grades below a D)
3. Locking all the food in our room (food locked in room is sweets and pop due to gorging by her and ANOTHER child in the home)
4. Not letting her see her best friend (a child equally as mentally ill, not a good combination).
5. Degrading comments and bringing up the past daily (deny this) etc.
6. Last year for Xmas getting socks, underwear and slippers (no clothes cause she cuts them up)
7. Making her buy her own clothes (due to her cutting them up).
She brought up stupid stuff like giving other kids more cereal at breakfast than her? I guess since she didn't get a reaction to cutting 8 inches off her hair now she dyed. Still no reaction from me.
Okay well our behavior expectations are not going to change.. Where does that leave us? Speaking to the worker alone they are having issues at the foster home. Already caught her sneaking on facebook, fighting over a cell phone, etc. They asked me if the was bulimic at home ? Nope must be a new behavior.
I flat out asked the worker in private why are we doing these visits then ? Cause even if she doesn't come home they are hoping to heal our family and get us where we can have a relationship. Okay but then asked when we will start family therapy, they don't think family therapy will help even with the original therapist. Probably not, we've out of family therapy for 3 months.
I said giving up your family means not just me and dad it means siblings, aunts, uncles, grandpaernts etc. She said it's better than being treated like a dog.
I told the therapist in private why is no one talking to anyone and taking all this girl says at face value? Why is no one talking to the old therapist? She said is she not preparing a statement for court? NO NO ONE ASKED HER TO! Why is no one looking at the medical records from the PRTF stays and the old mental health records? NO time. Can't spend 40 hours a week on this case. Worker admitted the foster family IS telling her she can stay there after 18 and does not have appropriate boundaries but there is nowhere to put her. They are a GREAT family but still in training. No they don't get RAD but they can't move her because of that. I told worker EVERYTHING we have done is under the advisement and consulting a therapist!
wow, where does that leave us? With a flawed system and flawed family. Just sooooo sad. Just baffled we are doing the right things and disciplining and trying to teach right from wrong and she goes into a foster family who lets her do everything off the bat and so we are treating her like an animal? Really? My oldest daughter said don't act like an animal and you won't be treated like one. The alarms, locks, everything were at the advice of a THERAPIST! AND of course it's all my fault. The only crime her dad committed was not standing up to me. I reminded her how she had a cell phone this summer, stayed out to 2 AM for certain things and was dating and had MORE freedom than she had never had. She told me 6 months doesn't make up for 8 years. And I said 6 months of good behavior doesn't make up for 8 years of BAD either if you wanna go that route. It is just so hurtful that this girl can just turn her back on us. We do love this child but this is just so hurtful! She asked me if I blamed her for being in foster care and I said 100% NO. I said our county attorney jumped the gun and rang this bell that can't be unrung and I TRULY do NOT blame my daughter.
Just beyond devastated and confused. WE really need a meeting with our court attorney about the times of these visits, them not working with us on them, the felons she has friended on facebook and can't even get a call or email back. What are we to do?
I am glad I got some answers so I can start dealing with it and I guess reintegration may mean getting to a place where she can live somewhere else and still maintain family ties?? I am hoping we can at least back off these visits from once a week to a little less frequently so everyone has time to process this and can work with their individual therapists to see how to proceeed? Is that unreasonable?
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Many psychotherapists make it a policy NOT to read previous medical records until after they've seen the patient a few times. There is a good reason for this: it helps them remain unbiased until they do their own diagnostic workup. Children and adolescents, especially, are prone to being misdiagnosed, and sometimes a new therapist just wants to get to know the kiddo before attaching labels to her. Perhaps that's what's going on in your daughter's case.
I'm sorry for all the stress you're going through right now. It's so tough to raise a mentally ill child.... :loveyou:
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sassafras
OH and bio dad is a parole absconder so good luck finding him and bio mom is druggie. There's a reason these kids were removed from their home.
I said giving up your family means not just me and dad it means siblings, aunts, uncles, grandpaernts etc.
Oh lord. Bio mom has disappeared again which makes me think maybe she is unclean. My family does NOT want anything to do with my daughter due to what she has done to our family and continues to do. They do not want any contact. That is the truth including her biological siblings. They do not want her in her their lives EVER is what they ALL are SAYING. Truth is truth. Could that change? maybe who knows.
Yes her workers should be listening to her but they should be checking with other people. She is LYING and they are taking everything she says for FACE value. Their job is to INVESTIGATE and not just believe everything a mentally ill child says. And no the courts do not have her therapy records. Why would they have her therapy records for a theft? I am sorry you feel you were unable to bond with your foster family but we are not her foster family and to say she obviously doesn't care about the family anyway, wow, just PLAIN cruel to someone in my situation.
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I'm not being cruel, by her own words she's not bonded and is 17 years old. I just don't see what more they can do, since she's not living with you for a reason. I'm guessing there trying to deal with her until she gets 18 years old. She should be in juvy for stealing. I just hope she's able to get a job and make a life for her self. She doesn't even respect you, or love your family if she could tell you she doesn't want to live with you, or care about the whole family. Atleast I was never that rude to my foster parents that raised me. I'm just telling you, to let her know you will always love her, just can't go through this abuse. I just thinking since she's 17 years old, no attachment therapy will work. But with that being said, she doesn't sould like she going to be stable, might have to be there for any possible grand kids, maybe in 20 years she'll realized how bad she treated you, need you. Sadly now she's not seeing the pic. and wont for a while.
{{Sassafrass}}}
I can understand how you are feeling. When we disrupted with our Ason we went through very much the same thing....honeymooning with the foster family...we were the bad guys with simple rules, he could lie to everyone and they gave him pity and us a lecture.
I was in that place where I didn't sleep and drove myself nuts trying to "fix" it all. My gentle advice to you would be to let it go. I know that sounds impossible but you need distance and healing, your other kiddo's need a healthy Mom/family and she needs to stop being able to pull your chain. It is empowering her even more to keep up the raddy behaviors and it doesn't help her and you can't control or stop it. And it will eat you alive. Let it go Mom.
You will appear even more frantic the more you try to explain and convince people. Nobody will understand it. 1st rule of RAD....parents appear hostile. Try to remain neutral.
She will burn her own bridges in the foster family and eventually it won't matter that you said this or that or these are her behaviors and this is why you had rules. She is flush with a new power right now. Cut down/way down on visits and try to stay as unaffected as possible by her actions.
Try to develop a list of neutral answers. that's nice dear. That must have been interesting. I am not able to do that right now. Sorry, We are unable to fit that in. Sorry, that doesn't work for me. No excuses and no reasons. To anyone.
Try and start new little things to do with your other kiddo's and family....eat something sweet, be outdoors, nest and nurture. Take time to heal........HUGS...pm me if you need someone to talk to that gets it.
SM
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I have been reading this forum for years. I have posted in the past maybe once or twice. Then I lost my password and eventually forgot my username. I moved, got a new computer and I am telling you all this now because I had to re-register for this post alone.
I am so supporting you in all this. You have my total support (albeit cyberspace unfortunately). I have followed you, amongs others here, for years and I just really hope and pray that you can have some peace. Nobody should have to go through what you are still going through.
I do hope you get a chance to heal. Sending hugs and support to you and your husband and family. The truth always comes out - lets hope it's sooner than later from the other side. You have been and are a great parent.
Mel.
Sassafras, I have been following your daughter's sad trajectory since your first post here and LucyJoy's (wondering how she is doing) first reply to you years ago.I need to share my fear with you. If other posters (most of them much more knowledgeable than I) think it is not warranted, I will humbly defer to their opinion. For now, I am really fearful for you, without even knowing you in person.My fear is this: given the messed-up stance of all the people involved in the case, it may get even worse than being charged with "just" child support. If they followed through with those allegations against you, you would face criminal charges for child abuse. In such a case, could they remove all your chldren?IMHO, you should have a very good family-law attorney in your corner in lieu of the court-appointed one. IMHO again, you should get one, "like", yesterday.It is only this fear of mine that gave me the chutzpah to offer advice to someone more experienced than I. If I am out of line, I apologize.Again - I have been thinking of your family a lot lately.
I actually brought that up to the worker and she did say if that was going to happen she thinks it already would have. Someone did try to say we physically abused her by locking her in her room. Luckily the DCF worker had seen the alarm on her room, knew how it was used and knew the allegations were unfounded. We do have a meeting with our lawyer this Thursday and are gonna lay it all out on the table. WE have already consulted a private attorney who is willing to take our case if we need him to.
Thank you for your concern and no you are not out of line. You are not saying anything we have not thought of. I thank you for your concern.
At least I know we have three other children and countless relatives, church members, therapists that could testify in our defense.
For instance, the worker asked me if we had any trouble with her binging and purging at home as they think she is doing it there. Um no because we had all the sweets locked up in our bedroom. Hence the "food being locked up". The only thing locked up was chips, pop, cakes, cookies, candy etc because this child would eat an entire cheesecake in one sitting. I told the worker I can tell she has gained about 15 to 20 lbs and being skinny is important to her. At home she could not binge so she did not need to purge. There she has free reign in the kitchen. She even got up here at night to gorge which was part of the reason for the alarm on her door in addition to the sneaking out which there are police reports of me calling them at 2:00 AM due to a missing child. Hmmm maybe it's all starting to make some sense now to at least the worker.
sunshinemomma
{{Sassafrass}}}
You will appear even more frantic the more you try to explain and convince people. Nobody will understand it. 1st rule of RAD....parents appear hostile. Try to remain neutral.
SM
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Just wanted to send *hugs* I have no advice. I think you are doing the very best you can. I hope that things smooth out for you. People don't understand how hard it is to be a parent of a RAD kid until they are a parent of a RAD kid. I say that in all honesty. I worked as a therapist for RAD kids for many years and didn't get it until my DD came into our lives.
I am sorry you are going through this...I pray it all works out in the end...We had an experience where all the "official" people told me it was my home and that the child would be better off in a placement that could devote more time to her. They all felt our home was not good enough. So, they moved her. Guess who got pregnant at 13? I tried to tell them that she needed some in depth help. They later told me that they wished that they had listened to me and not just the child. I had so many people who judged my family negatively and that hurt....
sassafras
Good advice. I will try to remain neutral. But do I not even give an explanation to our lawyer? How does that look?
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sassafras
Good advice. I will try to remain neutral. But do I not even give an explanation to our lawyer? How does that look?
absolutely give your lawyer all of the information that s/he will need to best represent you.
it is uber hard to do neutral when your kid is so good at this. and it's even harder to sit quietly by while the whole world falls for the act. but since it is an act, it will eventually fail. i have found that regardless of how hard it is, staying quiet and letting the truth speak for itself can be the best.
except to your lawyer. speak there.
Sassafrass - I just came across this and thought that I would share.........
To Mothers of Unattached Children
We are sisters, you and I.
You know who you are. We have a bond even closer than blood. And even if I don't know you well, even if I don't know you at all, if I knew you in the past, or will meet you sometime in the future...even if I will never again lay eyes on you this side of heaven, our lives are intertwined. We are sisters.
We are mommies. We are foster moms, biological moms, adoptive moms; but we are bound together by more than that. We are bound together by a common thread. A broken child, or broken children, that we have been called to mother.
We are heart healers, which is so hard to be when we ourselves are broken. Our hearts are broken, too...often by the same children we are trying to heal.
We've been the recipients of abuse, emotional and verbal and physical. We've had to turn the other cheek, put up a brave front, treat others the way they would want to be treated even though they refuse to do the same for us. We have had to show love- real love, yes, but mostly fake love and somewhere-in-between love- to some of the most unlovable people imaginable, all in the name of healing.
We have the same secrets, sister. We've lost our tempers. We've parented in anger. We've said and done things we regret. We've tried, at our most broken, to make our children understand just how unlovable they are. We've hated a child.
We have the same fears and the same questions, too. Will I ever love my child for real? Will I ever look at her without seeing a monster? What kind of a person will he grow up to be? Am I making a difference at all?
We are tired. We are weary. Some days, we want to give up altogether, beat ourselves into the ground. And yet we persevere, sometimes because we want to, sometimes because we've been asked to, sometimes because there is simply no other choice.
We have good days and bad days. Days that we feel like we can change the world, make a difference, and days when we wish the world would swallow us up. End the turmoil of our lives. We are filled with guilt for the damage we've sometimes allowed to fester by not being perfect moms. By being selfish. By being human.
Once upon a time, my sister, you were a girl with a beautiful dream, and so was I. We were going to be mommies. We were going to share a lifetime of love and laughter with bright-eyed, dimpled children that would thrive under our care. We were going to foster or adopt and give a future to a child who had no future. Our hearts were loving, our motives were pure, we just didn't know then what we know now. We didn't know that damaged children take more than love and security and structure to heal. More than food on the table and a roof over their heads and clean clothes and new toys and a good education and piano lessons and band aids on skinned knees.
Our damaged children need to be loved perfectly, unconditionally, and completely. No matter what.
And herein lies the problem. We can't do it, can we? We've tried and we've failed time and again. Our kids need the love that only Jesus can give, and we must wake up each day and surrender our mothering to Him. Or fail.
I used to feel entirely alone as a mom. Mothers of normal children simply cannot understand the depths of pain and shame and heartache and anger I have felt. The utter hopelessness. I still feel alone sometimes, but I've begun to hear whispers from other places...other mommies that are destitute in their despair, too. I know you are out there, sisters, somewhere under the veil of secrecy and guilt. And I need you to know something.
You are not alone. I understand exactly how you feel. You don't even have to tell me, but I will listen if you need me to. I won't judge you. I won't hate you for how you feel. I won't even be surprised. You are not a horrible mother for how a damaged child has changed you. Good days and bad days aside, you are and always have been one of the special, the few. The mommies that haven't given up on beautiful even though it's covered in ugliness, even though you sometimes wish you could run the other way. You have allowed yourself to be put into a place where God can use you to do miracles. And He will, if you let Him.
Your dreams are still beautiful. You are beautiful, my sister.
Once upon a time, I had a beautiful dream. I wanted to rescue children that had no hope and no dreams of their own. Be their mommy. It hasn't worked out exactly as I'd planned or expected, but it has brought me here, to the point of surrender. And I'm discovering that this, in and of itself, is far more beautiful than anything I ever dreamed up on my own.
If you know a mother struggling with an unattached child...a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder, or with special needs, or with no official diagnoses at all...a foster mom, an adoptive mom, or any mom that you know feels totally alone and misunderstood....please share this. She needs to know she's not alone.
Posted by Lisa at 8:12 AM