Why the inconsistant contact?

ULTREA, From your description, your daughter sounds as if shes unconsciously blocking. YouҒll have to wait until shes ready to talk. But thereҒs nothing wrong with letting her know that youre ready to discuss the heavy stuff whenever she wants and she should feel comfortable asking the hard questions. I realize it can be unpleasant to do face-to-face, but thatҒs the best place to do it. Letters and emails can be misconstrued, and phone conversations are missing facial expressions and body language. Being with someone is the very essence of relationship. (Theres no face in Facebook.) If she already knows youҒll be there for deeper conversations then theres no need to say more. However, if you decide to write, you have options. You could write a letter and send it. Or you could write a letter, sit on it for a while, then reread, edit and send. Another option is to keep a journal for a few months or a year, dating your entries, and then share it with her when you feel the time is right. This is perceived as less threatening than a letter addressed to an individual but may be overly intense. ThereҒs such a thing as being too honest in the sense that there are always some things better left unsaid. Theres an out-of-print book available used on Amazon for only 4 cents, ғ[URL="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0882820524/sr=1-1/qid=1358628102/ref=olp_product_details?ie=UTF8&me=&qid=1358628102&seller=&sr=1-1"]Birthbond: Reunions Between Birthparents and Adoptees, What Happens After[/URL]. IԒve read it and its worth the time, particularly chapter four entitled Post-Reunion Basics. Another I havenҒt read but you may be interested in is, [URL="http://www.amazon.com/Adoption-Reader-Mothers-Adoptive-Daughters/dp/1878067656/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1358632827&sr=1-1&keywords=adoption+reader"]The Adoption Reader: Birth Mothers, Adoptive Mothers, and Adopted Daughters Tell Their Stories[/URL],Ӕ also used on Amazon for only one penny. In general Whether adoptee or birth mother, not everyone is reunion-ready when found. Expectations, wants and needs may not be the same. An unwillingness to change rigid expectations will break a reunion. Be flexible with your expectations. Remember that the quality or pace of the relationship with your daughter is not the key to your healing. Or hers. The kind of relationship desired may differ. Some adoptees donŒt want another mother; they want a casual friendship only, and this will be disappointing to a birth mother who wants more. The reverse is true as well. Some birth mothers desire to be friends but cant fill the role of mother, and this is crushing for an adoptee thatҒs looking for a strong maternal bond. Some birth mothers can take years to thaw out of their deep freeze, and some never do; they will never be able to connect as Mom. Some adoptees take years to let go of their anger, and some never do; they will always be angry at Mom. Reunions fail because carving out a mature, healthy relationship is fraught with difficulty, the hurdles are too high. Those who think it should be easier will resent the work involved and be tempted to quit. So will the impatient. Patience is important. It can take years and years for healing to fully manifest. Or not. One birth mother was lambasted in a hate-filled letter, almost twenty years post-reunion, by an adoptee stuck in dissociated rage, destroying any hope for a relationship. Some adoption literature is good, some is iffy at best. Avoid pop psychology. The better writers should be taken with a grain of salt as well. Liftons different selves, VerrierҒs primal wound, Solls mother/child separation as PTSD Җ none of these theories have the solid support of published, peer-reviewed research data and, without it, will eventually go the way of Freud. Ideas lacking empirical evidence are interesting but certainly dont apply to every adoptee or birth mother. DonҒt discount or believe all of it. There are lots of helpful insights to glean but be careful in your reading. Paper never refuses ink, and almost anyone can get published these days, especially for the Kindle. David Kirchners work with homicidal adoptees is absolutely fascinating. Everyone interested in adoption should read him, heҒs that good. He states that of the 500 estimated serial killers in U.S. history, 16 percent were adopted as children, while adoptees represent only 2 or 3 percent of the general population; and adoptees are 15 times more likely to kill one or both of their adoptive parents than biological children. But some will walk away thinking all male adoptees are at high risk of becoming homicidal serial killers simply because a very small segment of them do, albeit disproportionate of the general population. So we need to guard against tarring everyone with the same brush. Also know when an opinion is given. Kirschner writes, Usually they [reunions] do not result in long-term, close relationships.Ӕ This is his opinion based on his clinical practice and reading. However, we dont know yet if this is true. We need longitudinal studies with large samples. In addition, much of whatҒs been written applies to human behavior and relationships in general, common outside of the adoption triad. Women whove never relinquished a child for adoption and nonadopted adults experience the same problems in their relationships as birth mothers and adoptees in reunion.