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[FONT=Times New Roman]In 1998 when I gave my son to the people who would become his "parents" I did so based on the agreement that I and my mother would be a part of his life. That he would know us and know that we loved him. That worked until he turned 4. As soon as his mother felt threatened by his growing awareness of who I was to him she cut me off. Completely. And in such an insensitive way... she just never responded to our usual call for sharing Christmas presents. After 3 months I wrote her and her response consisted of excuses and accusations. She cited my apparent "experimenting" with life and my inconsistency. She stated she didn't want J. to be confused. I was so angry. My inconsistency? She was the one who controlled when I saw him and which cards I sent he got to see. His confusion? What child could be confused by MORE love in their life?I was so angry by her reponse and lack of respect for the agreement we had made I haven’t spoken to her in 10 years. In those ten years I have had two more children – 100% biological siblings to my son she has raised. I miss my oldest every single day of my life. My second son will turn 7 this year and my husband and I want to tell him about his older brother. I found my first son’s adoptive father on Facebook (of course) and found that they are now divorced. I asked him if he could send me a recent picture so that when we tell our son about his older brother we can show him what he looks like now – not ten years ago. I have gotten no response. I can’t help but wonder what I did to these people.I took things in to my own hands and spent literally a 100 hours trying to find something about my oldest. I did find pictures of him from a production he was a part of. He will be 15 in March and when I looked at the pictures I found my heart actually smiled. So where do I go from here? Do I write her and plead with her to allow me back in his life? Do I wait till he is 18? The crazy thing is is that I don’t even know if he knows the story… [/FONT]
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firstmama
Was it harder for you to forgive your birth parents knowing that they went on to get married and have more children?
That is yet another aspect of my guilt!
firstmama
Was it harder for you to forgive your birth parents knowing that they went on to get married and have more children?
That is yet another aspect of my guilt!
I am sorry for your loss Legal.
What a crappy thing they did to you.
I can only imagine the rollercoster that is for you.
I appreciate your imput and I hope too that we can get past the past.
I am also keeping a good attitude about the age of the boys- hoping that if a reunion happens soon rather than later they create a good solid bond.
Thanks for sharing :)
My heart broke when I read your post, but I connected to it as well because I had a very similar situation with my own placement in 1991.
I went through the same thing, except that the adoption agency controlled any contact, and all of my attempts at reaching out were met with indifference. In fact, about ten years after the adoption after I'd made yet another attempt to get pictures, the adoptive family warned the agency that any future contact would result in a harassment charge. Ugh.
Well, I too spent hundreds of hours, and ended up finding my son myself when he was 18. We have had a wonderful facebook relationship for the past five years! he doesn't want to meet me yet or talk on the phone, but it's been so healing to know that he is okay, loved, and has had a wonderful, exceptional life! I've asked him what he was told about his adoption and he knew everything about his birth and placement and told me that his parents always had told him he was adopted and that they would support him if he ever wanted to find me.
In my own life, with my own adoption, I dealt with believing early on that his parents had lied to me. I was filled with anger and resentment. All of these years later, I understand them. They didn't necessarily "lie" - but discovered what they were comfortable with and what they weren't later on. I'm a HUGE advocate for birthmother/adoptive parent co-counseling before placement because of this! Lack of knowledge was the enemy here, not deceit.
Keep reaching out. Stay strong. Believe. Follow your heart and you will find the answers.
Courtney @ [URL="http://www.ravensinkwell.wordpress.com"]INKWELL[/URL]
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Thanks Courtney!
Quite frankly I am a mess right now.
I vacillate continually between believing that they lied to me and forgiving them because I assume that they just couldn't handle the situation.
I do feel strongly though that this isn't one of those things in life you get to change your mind about. If you do it is kin to "baby snatching".
I understand that they may have been given bad advice. I understand that whatever they did they did because they thought it was what was best for him. BUT that doesn't change the fact that they did not honor the agreement we all entererd in regards to our son. It is inexcusable.
If I adopt a dog from an animal rescue and don't abide by their rules to return it if things don't work out and give it to someone else instead - they come and take the dog back! (look at Ellen LOL)
This was a private adoption in 1998 in the state of NY. I know that I have no recourse.
All that being said...
I recently wrote a letter to my son's Mom and one to him- I enclosed his in the envelope and left it unsealed and asked her to read it and give it to him. He will be 15 this month.
I, with the amazing imput from all the wonderful people on this forum, wrote a very kind, honest, letter. Completely devoid of any anger. I was asking her to please consider letting go of the past and to allow us to start to build a relationship again.
It is very important to me that all three of my boys get an oppurtunity to know and love one another.
So the wait has begun. I sent it last week but we do live 2000 miles away from one another so I wasn't expecting an overnight response.
I know I am lucky in that I know where my son is, I know he is safe and I know his parents love him - there has never been any doubt about that.
have you tried getting in contact with the adoptive parents again i would give it a try again it doesnt hurt if not you may have to go to court and file for visitation of the child do you have legal papers saying you could be involved in the childs life if so she is breaking a court order if not you may have to go to court for visitation or wait until he is 18
searchhelper
have you tried getting in contact with the adoptive parents again i would give it a try again it doesnt hurt if not you may have to go to court and file for visitation of the child do you have legal papers saying you could be involved in the childs life if so she is breaking a court order if not you may have to go to court for visitation or wait until he is 18
well i guess the best thing to do is what your heart tells you. you can try wrighting the mother maybe asking for pictures etc. maybe you could see if you could see him as being a family friend or something and then later when he is 18 if it is in the best interest then have him told i dont know what i would do in your situation my hear goes out to you it really does if nothing maybe you can get some pictures but if you send a letter i would send it certified so she has to sign for it you dont want him to accidentally get a hold of it.. smiles it will work out in the end i am sure.
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Nothing hurts a bm more than feeling your love good intentions and honesty and openness are being denied, ignored, thrown in your face. It is hard to not get angry and feel sad as well. I have the same thing only thru An agency and communication and promises have dwindled over the years. My son will be 18 in 3 years and I can only hope to meet and forge a friendship with him away from all the obstacles. Keep the faith and don't let the negativity affect the love you have for your child.
LauraA
My son will be 18 in 3 years and I can only hope to meet and forge a friendship with him away from all the obstacles.
Hi, saw your post, and was really moved by it. Are you interested in a great book. It's called "Stow Away". The author is Lee Campbell. She is a birthmother who, in this story, writes about her own experience in giving up a baby for adoption. Go to Amazon.com and type in Stow Away to read about the book, and some reviews. Trust me, it is an excellent read. You will love it. I think that it will help you understand what you are going through, and that you are not alone. Spread the word! Thanks. Hope to chat later...
Are you interested in a great book. It's called "Stow Away". The author is Lee Campbell. She is a birthmother who, in this story, writes about her own experience in giving up a baby for adoption. Go to Amazon.com and type in Stow Away to read about the book, and some reviews. Trust me, it is an excellent read. You will love it. Spread the word! Thanks. Hope to chat later...
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I think the hardest thing for me over the years has been the change I started with a good close rep from the agency and met and handpicked the parents that were going to raise my son. It was a wonderful, open, loving choice for me and a happy moment in the midst of the sadness of my situation. A new rep (I didn't like from the beginning) took over my case after the original rep retired leaving me angry, aggravated, and the new rep also pumped lies, fear, and anxiety into the parents making our once comfortable and pleasant friendship strained. I will check out that book. It is nice to finally have women I can connect and share with. I have been alone with this besides one friend for a long time and no one can understand our feelings except other women in our position. I am a few years older than you and have not had any other children and at this point in my life not sure I will. I don't regret my decision because I wanted my son to have good parents, and a life I couldn't provide him and to hand pick them I couldn't ask for a better choice. I just wish to be able to talk to him directly and hope when the day comes he wants to have a relationship with me in spite of what he has or has not been told. Thank you for responding to me hope to talk to you more. :)
I think a lie is a lie. When you make an agreement with someone with something as sensitive as this, you should hold up your end of the agreement. When I placed my daughter with her amom, we specifically spoke of myself and my daughter always being a part of her life. I was reassured over and over again that we would never be kept away from n.a. but as soon as the paperwork was finalized and she saw how much n.a. missed us, she decided to withdraw completely from her part of the agreement. So in my opinion, yes, she lied. But I guess being truthful and trying to work it out for all parties instead of walking away was not an option. If I knew then what I know now, I would have never signed or believed a word.
Also, I am thankful that I found this site. After a year of going it alone, I am comforted in knowing that I am not the only one facing this situation and that so many of you have grown and are still growing though this! Peace and blessings to you all!