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[FONT="Arial"]Its been about 3 years since my last post and sadly, I still see alot of the same birthmothers on this forum. Unfortunately, I`m right here with you. When does the healing ever come.
This past year my daughters adoption has hit a rocky road for me. Everybody`s got a story right... Although my adoption is still slightly open, I was told by the adoptive parents and I quote "If I'm looking for some kind of daughterly relationship with C, I'm not going to get it!"
This brings us to the next question that many birthmothers struggle with... WHERE DOES THIS LEAVE US? WHO ARE WE? Yes to us, this is our child and to the parents we are the first mother, but what are we really? Yes I'm C's birthmother, but I'm also the woman dying to be her mother... as is any birthmother. This is what makes adoptive relationships difficult. I'm not saying I didn't do what was best for my child, I'm saying it **** well sucks that I was not in a place to raise her. It seems that as much as adoptive parents try, they just can't comprehend that we have these thoughts or feelings... Our child is happy and cared for, so what more could a birthmother want... Right?
Today, I received an email with pictures, and an invitation to a sporting event with my daughter and her parents... Here I am complaining... What is wrong with me? Is it selfish to say, that although I think about beautiful C every day, and stare at my favorite picture of her each morning before I begin my day.. that I just can't handle seeing her. It seems every time I receive any sort of the infrequent communication or invitations my day/month/few months, goes from good, to bad.
There is so much pressure put on this one visit. First of all, your walking into a room to see your child and all you want to do is pick them up and love them. But your child doesn't know who you are, so they cling to their daddy. So you spend your day talking about the weather, the education your trying to obtain, and the new crappy relationship your in, because lets be honest.. as a birthmother, my self esteem isn't great. Meanwhile, they talk about how wonderful your child is, how great their trips are, the new renovations they've made to their mansion. I don't know about you, but I find myself spending the day listening to them try to convince me why I've made the right choice and watching them try to show me that I no longer have a relationship with the child in front of my eyes.
Maybe I'm just a bitter old birthmom, with alot of healing to do, and yes, you've caught me on a bad day. But I figure, at some point the anger comes out in all of us. They say their is 5 stages of grief... Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. All I've got to say about that is that a birthmother will always and forever be in one of the first 4 stages, and on some days, some months, hopefully will slide into acceptance... and then repeat the cycle, regardless of the severity... Who's with me on that?
Here's for a better tomorrow![/FONT]
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My heart goes out to you!! I am feeling the same way you are. What about us? How will our lives ever be the same again? I feel like a dead beat dad. You know the one who is put down and talked about and kept away from the child because I am such a horrible person. Count yourself lucky that you still get pictures and visits with your daughter. I don't get that. Everyone says that it gets easier. I am just hoping that easier comes sooner rather than later. This is harder than I ever thought it would be.
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Everything you said I can totally relate to. I do want to encourage you to maintain contact and visits to the best of your ability. I have thought about walking away too, but I have to keep in mind that I truly think it would be worse for my daughter. Maybe not now but later on in her life. I tell myself everyday that I am important and valuable to my daughter, even if I don't see it now. I KNOW how difficult it all is, not just the fact we aren't the ones raising our children, but also the relationships with our childs family. It is very stressful and we feel like we have to be almost perfect. Sinse my daughters birth, I truly have spent more days crying than I haven't and I hope it gets easier at some point. I am sorry for what you are going through.
I'm so glad to hear that you have some contact. It has been 32 years for me and it feels like yesterday, as if I could reach out and hold him again before he was gone from my life. Please value your contact! I knew nothing of my son and he grew up within 10 miles of me! The questions that fly thru my mind since I found this out. The really sad part about this is the bitterness that has grown inside of me toward my parents (esp. my father) and I can't control it. How I was given no choice when there were several more than likely. I pin the whole situation as selfishness on my families side, not mine. I would have kept him, but I would have lost a roof over my head also. I could not do that to him. 30 years later I have a son who finds me, pumps me for info. and throws me to the curb. Twice hurt to the core. Do not lose contact, no matter what. In due time she will begin to understand who you really are and you do not want to be a complete stranger.
Hi, Kryptonite! And Leanne, ilovemybabies, -emma- and the rest of us!!
Kryp, seems like our stories are alike but most of ours are except maybe minor variations. I also would have lost a roof over my head had I kept my son and I was just 14. That was until I returned home and gave my mother the court papers she had to sign. When she saw I had a boy, she wanted me to change my mind because she had always wanted a grandson. I told her to sign the @$#%&^ papers and walked out of the room. I couldn't believe she said it especially after what I went through in 3 short days because of her. I gave birth 2 days before I turned 15 and had to sign my rights away on my B'day because of the pressure she put on the admin of Booth Memorial and the Dept of H & W. She had me on a plane that evening. I still relive that day in court, how hard I cried and the judge had to keep giving me recesses because I was throwing up, couldn't breathe etc...I remember the head lady at Booth coming to me earlier that day and telling me I needed to tell my Mom to back off and I looked at her like she was crazy. Had no idea why she had said that to me but knew there was no way I was telling my Mom that! A lot of things that happened back then I managed to just block out so I could function. My Mom and I never spoke of it again after the paper signing situation. On his 16th B'day she caught me crying and asked why. I told her and she said she knew it was and when I asked her why she never talked/asked me anything, she actually said "I didn't think you cared"! The door to my heart slammed shut that day and oh, my goodness...the bitterness and hatred that infested me that day pretty much knocked me to my knees! I turned to alcohol and drugs to numb the pain of emotions I experienced every day. I finally got help in Jan 2009 for my addictions (yes I'm clean and sober)! Had looked for him since the day he turned 18, just off and on, but as I had to learn to deal with all these emotions without the numbing, face everything head on, my bitterness and angry grew even more towards her and then I became suicidal. Thank God I am a disabled vet and I credit the VA for saving my life! Otherwise I never would have been able to deal with the reunion with my son after 35 years. Thank goodness he has not thrown me to the curb and our bond just keeps getting stronger. At this time (reunited 12/2011) he really has no desire to meet her or anyone else on Bdad's side. I don't feel my Mom or any of them has earned the privilege of meeting him. Of course, it is all my fault because I did not lie to him. Yet, no one has even tried to make contact with him. I feel like I stepped off one emotional roller coaster right onto another one. My Mom has yet to even discuss the past or except responsibility for her actions of the past. That keeps the flames of anger and bitterness growing inside me. Her and I have not had any contact in almost a year!